It’s quiet, dark, and Charlotte’s sleeping soundly, like I should be. Yet I’m not. Instead, I’m wide wake at one in the morning because of another night terror.
Walking into the bathroom, I strip off and turn on the shower. Droplets of hot water pelt down on me and I close my eyes to wash away another night of tormented dreams. My mind wanders to Lindsey. Nights with her in my arms allowed for a brief reprieve. The fucked-up nightmares were never as bad. I still had them but they weren’t every night. I knew Lindsey wasn’t a cure for them and it’s probably all psychological but she unknowingly helped me through every night she was with me, nightmare or not. Turning off the taps, I step out and dry off. I throw on a clean pair of boxers and slide back into bed with Lindsey still in my head. I sigh, putting both hands behind my head to lean on them because now Roamyn’s comments about her earlier are repeating in my mind.
I love her, haven’t stopped loving her. The incident with her stepfather was not her fault. But what was on her, was the position she put me in, and the endless retaliation which could come our way from the path she’d chosen to walk. I now understood why she said she could never tell me everything. Deep down, I think I know she didn’t tell me for this very reason. She believed by not telling me, she was doing me a favor because what I didn’t know couldn’t be used against me. But it didn’t change the fact she’d broken the law and now I had too. I should have arrested her the day I confronted her at her place, but I wasn’t going to. How could I put the woman I love behind bars? I couldn’t, I wouldn’t. If I had locked her up, her heart would be lost. She’d rebuild walls of stone around her and I’d never feel her love again.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Lindsey
Sometimes, secrets really are better left buried.
“Ouch!” My hip scrapes the counter as I carry the second suitcase of Ali’s stuff down the hall to my spare room, her new room.
“My God, did the clinic have to rent out a second room just for your stuff? Where did all this shit come from? You didn’t have it before,” I yell out to her.
Ali pokes her head around the corner, her eyes bright with a happiness I haven’t seen for quite some time. Today she was released from the rehab, free of addiction, and I couldn’t be prouder. A smile comes easily as I bask in a moment I was beginning to believe would never happen.
“If you’ve never seen it before, it’s probably Cassidy’s or Adriana’s. Cass lent me stuff while I was in rehab and Adriana’s, well she hasn’t ever come to get any of it back.”
I warm at the mention of Cassidy. They’ve become close since the night Ali was drugged and she’d started visiting her at the clinic. For some reason, they just clicked. Whenever I’d been around them, their friendship came easy and smooth. It’s healthy and normal, exactly what Ali needs in her life. I hurt for Ali knowing she missed Adriana, and I wondered if she’d made contact with Ali after we heard on the news she was missing.
I unfold some of Ali’s clothes and begin hanging them up in her closet. “So have you heard from Adriana yet or still nothing?” I pry.
She sifts through her cosmetics, arranging them on her dresser. Her eyebrows furrow and I can guess the answer to my question. “That would be a no. I’ve tried calling, emailing, messaging her on Facebook. She’s completely MIA. It’s like she’s fallen off the face of the planet.”
It was my turn to frown. I assume she’s with Enzo but I can’t tell Ali that.
“That’s kind of weird, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. At first, I didn’t expect to hear from her anyway because I knew she was mad at me, but after a while, I started to worry but honestly, Linds, she can’t be missing like the news says she is. This has Marino written all over it. It’s them we’re talking about. I’ve lost count of the amount of times they’ve shipped her off for a week here and a weekend away there because things were, ‘too dangerous.’ It wouldn’t surprise me if they’ve done the same thing now.”
I contemplate her response and while she could be right, something feels off about this whole situation.
“Yeah, maybe. I’m kind of glad she’s not around anyway. I always liked Adriana but now, God, if they get close to us or get hold of you—” Ali cuts me off, and our roles are reversed; she’s the one reassuring me.
“They won’t. It’s been months. You heard the police. If they were going to try something, I’m sure they would have already. I’m not saying I don’t worry about it all the time because I do, but there has to come a point where we stop letting it rule our lives, right? Now, no more talk about things we can’t fix. We need to talk about you, because even though I know you’re happy to see me and have me home, you still look really sad.”
I pull my shoulders up tensing as I act dumb and pretend I have no idea what she’s getting at. My heart sinks as Charlotte and Mason’s smiles enter my mind.
“What? I’m fine.”
She rolls her eyes at me, and folds her arms across herself, popping her hip out at the same time. “You’re miserable, Lindsey. Maybe not so much on the outside but you are on the inside. I can tell. Call it sister intuition. All you do is sit and read freakin’ books all night and watch sappy movies.”
I put my hand up in front of her pointing my forefinger to the roof. She may be half right. “Hey, hold up. One, those stories are for work. And two, you haven’t been here for months. How do you even know what I do at night?” I question, screwing my face up.
“Take a guess?” she asks, tilting her head to the side.
It takes all but a second for me to realize, and at the same time, we both say, “Oliver.”
I narrow my eyes at nothing in particular because unfortunately, Olly isn’t here to cop the brunt of my glare.
Ali groans. “Come on, sis, it’s Saturday night. We need to forget about the men in our lives and have some girly fun. What do you say?” Ali shuffles around the stuff covering her bed as she looks for something. “I’ll call Cassidy.”
“Ali, your idea of fun and mine are drastically different.”
“Oh, come on. Things are different now. I’ll call Cass. She can come join us and we’ll watch Magic Mike. We’re stocked up on chocolate and tea so we’re good to go.” Ali beams, her eyebrows raised high, hands now clasping her phone at her chest in a praying position as she gives me big, round puppy eyes. I run my fingers through my hair and weigh up my options. I do need fun. I haven’t had real fun in months. My heart’s heavy with loss and regret, so I’ve shrunk back to my old ways, seeking comfort in pretending.
Each day I plaster on a smile that never quite reaches my eyes.
Each day I brush my hair, apply my makeup impeccably and dress appropriately.
Each day I pretend I’m moving forward. I’ve nearly even convinced myself. That’s how disgracefully amazing I am at pretending.
My own mind has coated my heart with lies and locked it shut by believing them in order to protect myself. Because no feeling hurts more painfully than a broken heart.
“All right.” I sigh. “I guess we’re past due for some sisterly bonding time anyway.”
“Yay, okay, I’ll go call Cass.” Ali’s lips turn up into a big smile as she walks out of the room with her eyes glued to her phone.
I let out a huff and fall back onto Ali’s bed, pulling Dad’s tags out from under my t-shirt. Holding them between my fingers, I stare at them as pain squeezes my heart. My father is yet another reminder of my failed relationships with men, and it all started with him. My lips flatten into a hard line and I shake my head before lowering it, my shoulders curling in. How could I be so blind and faithless in a man who gave me hope? I had no clue what the hell I was doing with Mason and now I’ve lost the best damn thing to happen to me in years, probably ever.