Cheers fill the room. I sit in the corner, pushing bits of almost-cake around my plate. I should be relieved and excited like the others, but there’s a nagging feeling in my gut I just can’t shake. Kara kept her word, dressing me up like her own personal Barbie. I’m trying to keep my legs crossed in the short lacy dress, but it’s hard because it’s so tight. Still, when I saw myself in the mirror, I had to admit I looked really good. Older. Hot, even. I do feel better, or at least I did until I walked into the party and everyone stared at me. Now I’m just feeling uncomfortable.
“What’s up, Grumpy Butt?” Ethan asks, nudging me so hard I nearly drop my almost-cake.
I sigh, set the plate on the floor by my feet, and readjust myself in the hard wooden chair. “Nothing. I’m just tired, I guess.”
I rest my elbows on my knees and hold my chin in my hands. Kara is flirting with a group of boys in the corner. Some of the other kids are huddled near the punch bowl, Riley among them. Mistress Catherine and the others are chatting. No one is paying any attention to us.
I glance back at Ethan. He’s waiting patiently for an answer, but with each second that passes in silence, his expression grows more worried.
“No more classes,” I say softly, unable to keep the sadness out of my voice. “No more tests. No more being kids. It’s time to grow up.”
“You’ve always been a grown-up,” he says, nudging me again.
“Not always. Not yet.” I let the words hang between us before continuing. “I guess I’ve just been thinking about the future a lot lately. About what kind of person I’m going to become.”
“Well, that’s a depressing thing to be thinking about at a party. For example, right now I’m thinking, I wonder if there’s any way to sneak out of here tonight for a swim.”
I feel my eyes light up. That would be perfect. But as quickly at the thought comes, it’s crushed. “We still have the Pledge Ceremony.”
“So we go after, just you and me.”
I want to. I really, really do. But it feels like a bad idea. I shake my head.
“Ember, I’m really worried about you. You’ve been a little off the past few days.”
What can I say? The truth makes me sound like a paranoid lunatic. Even though I’m not looking at him, I can feel his eyes on me. Something in the bottom of my stomach tightens. For a second, I imagine us somewhere else—two normal people, at a party. Maybe we dance and he grabs me by the waist, pulling me close. Eye to eye, he lowers his head, bringing his lips to mine.
The thought shatters inside my head like glass. What’s wrong with me? This is Ethan. I mean, Ethan. Even so, a warm flush spreads through my whole body. He’s still looking at me, and I can barely stand it. I’m about two seconds away from a full-on meltdown. “I’ve also been thinking about Caesar.”
“That’s a weird thing to be thinking about. Even for a bookworm like you.”
I shake my head. “I mean bridges. Remember the story of Caesar crossing the Rubicon?”
He stares at me blankly.
“I mean, sometimes, you cross a bridge that’s so important, you can never go back, you know? Like when he crossed the Rubicon, and then burned it down behind him. No turning back.” His brow furrows like he’s trying to follow me but can’t quite make it. I sigh. “Forget it.”
He smirks and touches the side of my face. “Are you asking me to commit arson with you?”
“No.”
“Why not? It could be fun.” He pauses. “The swimming, that is, not the arson. But if you’d rather…”
I roll my eyes and answer with all the sarcasm I can muster. “Because I don’t trust myself alone with you. You, and your awesome brain and your great, big biceps.”
I laugh as he pouts and flexes. “But my biceps are awesome, too.”
I want to give him a playful nudge or a pat on the back, just some kind, any kind, of physical contact. But there’s this little voice in my head telling me I shouldn’t. So I just shift in my seat. “Never mind. It’s just, I’m kind of looking for quiet. I need to think and clear my head.”
“I can be quiet,” he says, and I almost laugh out loud.
Raising an eyebrow, I tilt my head at him.
“Well, I can be quiet-ish. Okay, I’m lying. I suck at quiet. It’s my one shortcoming.”
I raise my eyebrow again and he throws his hands in the air.
“Fine, woman. If you really want to be alone, I’ll leave you be.”
He moves to leave and I grab his arm so fast he almost falls over. I’m clinging to him, and though I don’t know why, I’m pretty sure I’m going to burst into tears any second.
“Can’t bear to see me go, I see.” He pauses and looks at me seriously. “Ember, I don’t know what’s gotten under your skin today, but you can’t let it eat at you. We can’t afford to worry about what might happen in the future. We have our hands full with dealing with the past. Let yourself live in the moment, okay? Let go of the rest.”
I sigh, wishing it were that easy. “If we don’t worry about the future, who will?”
Holding his hands in the air, he wiggles his fingers. “Here. If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll look into my crystal ball.”
“I don’t see a crystal ball.”
“Shhh! It’s invisible. Yes, here. I see your future and you will be…” He sticks his tongue out the side of his mouth then stands up. “You’ll be who you are, who you always were. You’ll be Ember.”
He grins and I can’t help smiling back, even if it’s not an entirely happy smile. “And you’ll be Ethan.” And things will always be just as they are right now, I add silently. In my mind, I can see the bridge between us. Do I dare cross it? Ethan is a flirt by nature. What if he doesn’t even feel the same? Can I take that risk?
He holds out his hand to me and I take it, letting him tug me to my feet. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and kisses the top of my head and mutters, “Always.”
The words are enough to blow past my doubt. If there is a bridge separating us, I’m about to burn it to ash. I wrap my arms around his waist and whisper in his ear, “I need to get out of here. Now.”
The emotions of the day have come rushing back at me like a tidal wave. My hands shake as he leads me through the crowd, out the door, and down the hall. Behind us, the music fades away. He presses his palm against the next door we come to and it slides open.
It only takes a second for the lights to sputter to life, but in that instant I forget how to breathe.
“What do you know, we do have a library,” Ethan muses, his back to me.
The door grinds shut behind me and my knees turn to jelly. Somehow Ethan has his arms around me, helping steady me before I hit the floor. Still, we’re a little off-balance, so we fall and stumble back against the door.
“Whoa, Ember. What’s wrong?”
I can’t answer. My throat is swollen closed, or at least that’s how it feels. Around me the room spins. My chest tightens until I’m sure it will crush me. I grab the back of his neck in both hands and pull his face down so our foreheads are touching. Tears roll down my face. Ethan’s blue eyes find mine and lock on.
“It’s okay. I’m here.” Taking my hands, he slides them down just an inch so I can feel the strong rhythm of his pulse under my fingers. “Close your eyes. Focus on my heartbeat, only that and nothing else.” He closes the space between us and presses himself against me until I’m not sure where he ends and I begin. “Breathe with me.”
I nod and obey. Closing my eyes, I focus on the steady, reliable pattern of his heart beating under my hands. The tightness in my chest starts to relax. When I can breathe again, all I can smell is Ethan. Spicy and warm. Eventually my pulse matches time with his. I take a deep breath, aware of him in a way I’ve never been before. Opening my eyes, I find he’s still staring at me, only now his eyes aren’t so wide and nervous. He is looking at me from beneath his thick blond lashes, and his pupils are so big I think I can see stars in them. His hands are pressed against the door on either side of my waist.