It made people want to have secrets.
“Morning, Mr. Taylor.” I made sure to enunciate his name, if only to ruffle his feathers. And I knew I got to him when he produced a crooked grin that took over his face and his head shook side to side in silent laughter.
“Feeling better today?” he asked once his eyes met mine again, the initial reaction to seeing each other gone. “You seem better, more…spunky.”
“Tons better. Thank you. And I don’t know about being spunky, but I have had quite an odd morning. My mom was in the kitchen when I came downstairs for breakfast. She’s always gone by the time I wake up for school. So it was surprising to see her. I guess she was waiting for me. She asked how I was, felt my forehead, and then left. It was bizarre.”
He cocked his head to the side and narrowed his gaze at me. “Think she’s feeling bad about yesterday?”
“Maybe…but I don’t want to get my hopes up. I don’t—”
“Mr. Taylor…” Rebecca interrupted me as she trotted over to his desk and leaned her hip against the edge. She held her books to her chest, but traced some invisible line along the top of his desk with her manicured fingertip, very close to his resting arm. “I think I’m going to need some extra help for this test we have on Friday. I’m just not getting it, and I want to do good on it.”
Irritation burned within me as I watched her openly flirt with him, but it quickly vanished once Axel spoke. “Well. You want to do well on the test.” Then he glanced back at me with a raised eyebrow, as if seeking my approval. “And although I appreciate your desire to pass my class, I’ve given you all the information you need for the test. We will continue going over it today and tomorrow. If you for some reason don’t pass this one, I believe the library has a list of student tutors that can help you for future tests.”
“Oh…well, I was kinda hoping you offered afterschool lessons.”
I could tell he fought to keep his eyes off mine as he answered. “No. I’m sorry, but I don’t offer those. There are plenty of students in this school capable of giving help to you if that’s what you’re looking for.”
Rebecca huffed out a breath, making girls my age seem incompetent and immature, and then left her perch, flouncing to her seat. Her desk was close to mine, so I couldn’t make any comments to Axel without her overhearing. Instead, I decided to write it down and pass it to him.
Very proud of your English skills.
Without looking at him, I could hear his soft laughter and imagined him shaking his head as he often did when he found something funny. But I couldn’t chance seeing for myself. Our “secret” may have only been obvious to us, but the mere thought of someone else finding out, and then having to give it up, had me overly cautious around him.
I learned from the best.
The paper slid in front of me before he stood from his seat to take the podium. The music in the halls sounded, and everyone knew the bell would ring any second. Students rushed through the door and took their seats. And then class began.
As he taught from the front of the class, I took notes, neither of us catching each other’s eyes. It felt strange to purposely look down instead of at him. But I no longer needed to seek out his attention. I didn’t need to lock eyes with him or see him smile to gain reassurance. I knew I had him on my side. Our conversation the night before had left me settled. Prior to that talk, each time his eyes had met mine or he’d say something to me, confusion and insecurities bred doubt and panic within my mind. But not anymore. I no longer felt that way.
I’m sure it’s perfectly normal for a teenage girl to crush on her hot teacher. What’s not normal is when said hot teacher returns her attention, growing it into affection, and turning that into an affair. An illegal, very dangerous affair. Lives become ruined when those things happen. I would know all about that… I was a freshman when a teacher from my school had been caught with his pants down with an underage student. It’s all anyone talked about for a year. And then my mom helped prosecute him. So needless to say, ever since meeting Axel, worry over his job, his livelihood, my reputation, and everything in between, festered into paranoia. But I didn’t feel that way anymore. Our conversation the night before had given me great insight, and I knew where he stood, but more importantly, I knew where I stood.
Knowledge truly is a beautiful thing.
Everything seemed to settle down after that. My cold got better, my fears dimmed, and even my insecurities began to ease. My mom grew more distant, though. She never did apologize for anything, but that wasn’t something new. Her insults and aggressive lectures turned into dismissals and avoidance. She ignored me most of the time, and when she did talk, it was nothing more than asking me to pass the salt at dinner. I didn’t know what I was complaining about, since all I wanted was for the hostility to end. And it had. Only, in its place, I had gotten nothing. Absolutely nothing. I had to tell myself that silence was golden, and that this was better than words filled with resentment and loathing.
As for Axel, we somehow built a pretty solid friendship. I didn’t see him outside of school again after the day he had stopped by my house, but that didn’t mean we didn’t talk. We’d share a few words before class, leave notes for each other on occasion—never saying anything that could get either of us in trouble—and we exchanged text messages and phone calls. Nothing major, but it was enough to fill me with a confidence I’d never experienced before. I had a friend. For the first time in my life, I had someone to say “hi” to. I had someone there for me to confide in.
It wouldn’t surprise me to find out how many people take that for granted. It’s an easy thing to do. When you’re so used to having people in your life, people that call just to talk about their day or ask about yours, when you’ve never known what true isolation is like, it’s easy to forget how lucky you are. Me, on the other hand, I knew the other side of the coin. I understood all too well what it meant to be lonely, to harbor everything inside because there’s no one to listen to you. And that’s why having Axel as a friend provided me with a natural high. It had me soring with confidence. But it also made me understand what I stood to lose if anyone found out.
We couldn’t become careless, because if rumors started, we both knew we’d have to back off. He never said it, but I was smart enough to understand that although he needed to protect me, he still had to watch out for the ramifications of having a friendship with me. And then I’d be back at square one. I wasn’t ready for that, and felt I never would be. So I made sure to act normal around him, call him Mr. Taylor in class, and never say anything that could be taken out of context—in notes or texts.
But all my cautious acting and plotted words didn’t protect me from what happened two weeks later. It was a Saturday, the last day of January. My mom had some kind of work-related fundraiser to attend that evening, and I wanted to be out of her hair while she got ready. We’d managed to go three weeks without an argument, and I didn’t want to ruin the streak. So I headed out back with a book and decided to read in the quietness that nature provided.
My street formed a V with the one behind us. Trees separated the backs of the houses, growing thicker the farther away from the intersection you went. I lived only four houses away from the corner, so the tree line in my back yard wasn’t as wide as it was five houses down, but it gave me enough privacy to read without interruptions. While some people had a favorite recliner by a fireplace or a special corner in Starbucks where they liked to read, I had my forest. It allowed me to be alone without feeling lonely. Nature had a way of offering peaceful company without the judgment or uncomfortable silence.
Sitting on a bed of leaves with my back resting against a tree trunk, I pulled my jacket tight around my torso and thought of Axel. Over the last few weeks, he’d become everything I enjoyed about nature—comforting and calming. But much like the outdoors, nothing could be predicted. Weather wasn’t reliable—you never knew when a storm could come and tear apart everything you’ve built. No matter how often man attempts to predict Mother Nature, nothing is certain. Tectonic plates shift without warning, and the earth opens up, swallowing anything that comes within reach. Volcanoes erupt and release hot magma from deep within the earth, covering everything it reaches in molten lava. Tsunamis form and travel hundreds of miles before crashing into land, smothering all kinds of life upon contact with its tidal wave of destruction. No one can predict these things, no matter how hard they try.