“I don’t understand,” I said through my sobs, my throat thick with the added mucus that comes from ugly crying. “What did I do wrong?”
He waited a moment before answering, letting the weight of it all settle before opening his mouth. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Bree. Not one goddamn thing. I underestimated you. That was my fault. I knew you were special from the very beginning. I knew you weren’t like the other students. Hell, you aren’t even like most people my age. And that’s where I went wrong. I never anticipated that I’d enjoy your company so much. I never thought I’d need you as much as I do. It’s so fucked up because it’s only been a couple of weeks, yet here I am, torn apart by the thought of not having you in my life. The thought of going to sleep without talking to you guts me. It makes me dread the night. I never want the sun to set, because I don’t want to deal with not getting your phone call.”
“Why do you have to? Why can’t I be in your life and you in mine? You’re talking like you never want to speak to me again. I don’t understand. Why can’t I call you anymore? Why do we have to stop? We haven’t done anything wrong!”
He finally stood and walked to where I sat in the grass, falling to his knees in front of me. “It was only a matter of time, Bree. You snuck up on me. I didn’t realize how I felt until it was too late. I’ve tried convincing myself that I don’t care that much. That you don’t mean that much to me. But nothing works. Because you’ve already taken root in my heart. We can’t go back now. We have two choices: keep going the way we are, knowing eventually, the lines will get erased—not just blurred, but decimated. Because, let’s face it, Bree, in less than a month, I’ve already fallen for you. What’s going to happen next month? Or the month after that? How long can we go before we give into our desires and risk everything? Lose everything? We could do that, or we admit defeat and walk away now while we’re still ahead. Those are our choices.”
“I don’t want to admit defeat. We haven’t been defeated.”
He cupped my cheeks, wiping away the tears that covered my face with the pads of his thumbs. “But we have. This was supposed to be a friendship. An easy, uncomplicated friendship. However, that’s not what we have.”
“But we can,” I begged, pleaded with him as I wrapped my fingers around his wrists, holding him to me, unwilling to let him go. “We can pretend this conversation never happened and go back to the way it was.”
His eyes never left mine as he shook his head, except this time, it wasn’t out of humor like it’d been every other time before. “I can’t pretend anymore. I tried. It won’t work. You asked me a question because I had confused you. How long do you think it would take before you’re confused again?”
“But I won’t be confused again, because I know the truth now.”
“Okay, fine…how long before you have feelings for me? And once that happens, how do we keep ourselves from acting on it? It doesn’t matter how long we pretend that we’re only friends, because it will eventually become harder and harder for us to stay in that role. It’s impossible. We can’t talk every day, you knowing how I feel and vice versa, and not bring it up.”
“You knew, didn’t you? You knew when you asked me to stay that this would be our last day together. That’s why you didn’t want me to leave. You just wanted a little bit longer with me.” I ripped his hands away from my face, ignoring the flash of anguish in his eyes. “You bastard. You’re the only friend I have. The only person in my life I have to talk to. You know that! And yet you’re taking it all away from me because you couldn’t follow your own damn rules. Why are you punishing me?”
In the midst of my fury, my hands flailed about. I pushed, hit, and slapped at Axel, wanting to hurt him in some way for the way he’d hurt me. But my punches didn’t do anything to him since my energy had been depleted by his unsolicited words. He allowed me to lash out for a moment before grabbing my arms, pulling me against his body, and restraining me. He pinned my hands between our chests with his arms wound tight around me. Even if I’d wanted to fight back, I couldn’t. The only thing I could do was lean into him and let it all go.
I sobbed against his chest, my tears soaking through the cotton material. My shoulders shook uncontrollably, but he held me to him, softly rocking side to side. He didn’t speak or try to make me stop crying. He only held me, his own body quivering with grief that mirrored mine. We’d shared so many things over the span of a few weeks, but nothing as devastating as this. And knowing this was our last moments together made it that much worse.
“I don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want you to let me go.”
“I know,” he whispered into my ear, his lips pressed against my temple. “I don’t either. If I had my way, I’d never let you go. I’d never say goodbye to you. I’d spend every day with you, growing these feelings you’ve uncovered within me. I’d embrace them instead of denying them, until they turn into the kinds of feelings that never go away. The kind that’s so deeply rooted within you that you can’t remember what it ever felt like to not have it.”
“Maybe this is just infatuation and it will go away.”
He dropped his forehead to my shoulder and his body shuddered against mine. His arms tightened around me, and that’s when I felt the first sign of his breakdown—moisture against my neck. He may have held it together when confessing his feelings to me, but holding me, the end approaching us as fast as the sun set, that seemed to be too much for him to bear. That seemed to be his breaking point, the moment when his strength betrayed him until he cried into me.
I decided to try once more, hoping his weakness would allow him to give into my desperate pleas. “We don’t have to do this, Axel. I’m begging you, don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to us. We can figure it out. I’ll be seventeen in a couple weeks. Age of consent here is seventeen. I can apply for a homeschooling program. We have so many options. We don’t need to do this.”
He slowly released his hold on me, his arms going slack. Then his hands ran up my back to my shoulders, and he pressed his cheek to mine, threading his fingers into my hair. With his lips against my ear, he whispered, “We don’t have any other options. I’d give up my job before letting you waste your intelligence. And just like I know you’d never allow me to do that, I won’t allow you to ruin your future. Have faith that this won’t be forever. If it’s merely infatuation, and it goes away, I’ll be the first one on my knees, begging you for forgiveness. If it’s not, and what I feel for you is real, then the day you graduate, I’m coming for you, swearing to never hurt you again.” He pressed his lips to my cheek, held them there for what seemed like an eternity, yet it didn’t feel like long enough. Then he released me, stood, and walked away, not allowing me to see his face.
He left me in his yard, crying to myself in front of his unfinished work. I’d never felt so empty before, so hollow and vacant inside. I’d endured a lot from my mom, her hateful words, dismissing glances, disappointed sneers, yet even through all that, she’d never managed to hurt me as much as Axel had in that moment.
I somehow found enough strength to pull myself from the grass in order to leave. I couldn’t stay there a moment longer, knowing with each passing second, another piece of my heart fell into oblivion, never to be found again. So I forced my feet to move one in front of the other until I managed to make it to the back yard. A few feet from the edge of his grass, I turned around, needing one more glance in his direction, desperately hoping to catch a glimpse of him in a window, a shadow or even a silhouette. But I didn’t get any of that. Instead, Lassie, who hadn’t left her spot on the patio, lifted her head to watch me leave.