But before I finished my glass, I became hot. My skin burned and I couldn’t seem to cool down enough. I went to the front porch, hoping if I sat in the chair outside long enough, the chilly weather would tame the heat that radiated beneath my skin. Only, I didn’t get a chance to sit down. Something was in my seat.
The sky was dark and my porch light remained off, but with the streetlamps and the moon in the sky, I could see the wrapped present vividly. It was small and thin, and when I picked up the silver package, it was light in my hand. I hesitated before opening it, not sure who it was from, but curiosity got the best of me and it didn’t take long before I ripped off the paper.
I didn’t need a tag or a card to know who’d given it to me. The gift alone was enough of an indication. In my hand, I held a Guns N’ Roses CD. Their greatest hits. Axel had told me plenty of times that I should listen to them because he thought I’d like their songs, and I’d told him every time that I would. But I never did. And then after that afternoon in his yard, I decided I’d never listen to them.
Rage filled me and caused my hands to shake. No words had been spoken, not one glance had been shared, or even a single message received, yet he comes to my house and leaves me something so personal. The nerve of him. Between the blur of fury and the haze of the wine, I ran back inside, shoved my feet into a pair of shoes, and stormed out the back door. I didn’t waste my time grabbing a coat, or even contemplating the option of calling him. All I wanted to do was release this hatred I had inside…at Axel.
I’m not sure how I knew which house was his through the thicket of trees. I’d only ever been there once, and that had been during the daytime. Now, with the sun gone, the backs of the houses were dark, and they all seemed to look the same to me. But with his CD in my grasp, my feet carried me through the dead leaves, past the line of trees, and to his back yard as if they just knew where to go.
I could see lights on inside through the windows, but the blinds were closed, so I had no idea which rooms they were for. I reached down at the edge of the tree line and picked up whatever I could find, which happened to be large twigs and small, thin branches. I gathered as much as I could in my arms and proceeded toward his house. Without taking aim or caring what I hit, I started to throw whatever I had at his windows. The anger inside blazed hotter with every twig that left my hand, the enraged words that flew out of my mouth grew louder every time a small branch smacked against a pane of glass. I was lost in my rage by the time his sliding glass door opened and he stepped out into the night.
“Aubrey, what in the hell are you doing?” His question was stern, his voice hard and deep, but the level of his tone came out more like growling than yelling.
I dropped the pieces of brush I’d picked up, but never let go of the plastic case in my hand. My fingers clutched it in a death grip, the last piece of him he’d given me, and although I wanted to smash it, destroy it the way he’d destroyed me, I couldn’t find it within me to let it go.
“You’re an asshole, Axel! You’re a heartless bastard. I hate you! I wish I’d never met you, that I never let you in.” My breath caught and I choked on my words, making me sound as though I was on the verge of breaking down. And maybe I was, maybe the emotions had finally become too much to bear. But not once did my eyes burn with tears nor my body rack with sobs. Instead, my shoulders remained squared, my spine stayed straight, and I kept my knees locked.
“I get it…you’re mad at me for what I did.”
“No,” I said, taking a step toward him. “I’m not mad at that. I was hurt by it. And no matter how much it devastated me, beneath it all, I understood. I’m not stupid, Axel. I know the consequences our relationship held. And even though your silence for the last two weeks has gutted me, turned me inside out and flipped me upside down, changed who I am as person…I understand why it has to be this way. That’s not what this is about. I’m not here because you broke my heart. I’m here because now you’re just fucking with it. Like you’re taking the shattered, damaged pieces, and playing with them. That’s what pisses me off. That’s what makes me hate you.”
Axel closed the distance between us with two steps. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve made sure to not talk to you, to keep my distance, even in class when I’m supposed to communicate with all my students. You think that’s been easy for me? Do you really think it hasn’t flipped my world upside down to ignore you and fight off every urge to call you? I’m exhausted, Aubrey. Physically and emotionally drained from having to fight against everything I want.”
“So what? You gave in and decided to fuck with my head?”
“Again, Bree, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I slammed the CD against his chest as hard as I could, packing every ounce of strength behind that punch. “This, you fucking idiot! You can’t look at me in class, sit near me, send me a fucking text message to wish me a happy birthday, but you can come to my house and leave this for me? Is this some way to ensure I won’t get over you? To make sure you stay in my head?”
His hands covered mine, holding the plastic case against him. Then he pulled his eyes from where we touched, lifted them to my face, and exhaled with a shaky breath. “That’s not why. I bought this CD before everything happened. I wanted to give it to you today. And then…”
“And then you broke my heart,” I said, finishing his sentence for him.
“And then I broke my own heart, Bree.” His tone grew stern and harsh again before he paused and visibly calmed down. “But yes, then that happened. I wasn’t going to give it to you because I didn’t want to complicate things more so than they already are. But I couldn’t keep it. You deserved to get something on your birthday, to know that you were thought of. Even if I shouldn’t think of you, you need to know that you’re worth so much more than you give yourself credit for.”
I pushed his chest and pulled my hands away, finally releasing the CD. He stumbled back a step, but never let the case fall. I wanted to keep pushing him, to release all my anger on him, but I couldn’t do anything other than stand there and hold his gaze across the dark space that separated us. “You have a hell of a way to show it.”
“Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll take it back.”
“No!” I rushed him, frantically grabbing at his hands. “No! Don’t take it back. That’s not what I want.”
“Then what do you want, Aubrey?” He raised his voice and lowered his face to mine. His warm breath skimming across my cheeks made me realize how cool the night was. He shook my hands away and grabbed my biceps, his heated palms made me notice the chill on my arms through my thin sleeves.
“I want to rewind time. I want to go back to January fifth before school started,” I whispered, the weight of it all suddenly crushing my chest.
“Why that day?”
“Because instead of sitting in my seat, I’d sit on the other side of the room. And then I’d make sure I didn’t go to school for a few days after that until the side of my face healed. If I could just change those two things, I wouldn’t feel this way right now.”
He must’ve understood what I meant, because he dropped his hand, reached down to pick up the discarded present, and backed up a few steps. “I don’t. I wouldn’t change a thing. Even knowing the outcome, I wouldn’t go back in time and do a damn thing different. Bree, you’re the best person I’ve ever known. I’d rather endure this pain with the memory of you, than to feel nothing at all.”
“And how would you feel if I told you that this pain you speak of, the same pain that you believe is all worth it…what if I told you that it killed the person you knew? The one you say is the best person you’ve ever known…how would you feel knowing she’s gone?”