As he spoke, I closed my eyes, trying to visualize how he saw me that first day.
“So…do I think we’d be together in some alternate universe where your mom loved you and I wasn’t your teacher? More than likely. But you asked an honest question, and it deserves an honest answer. I can’t give that to you without thinking about it. You’re right, I like to help people, always have and always will. I’ve never thought that had anything to do with us, but if it worries you, then it deserves some serious thought.”
We didn’t speak about it again after that night, and we went on like we always did. However, our conversations did change slightly after that. We started asking each other more personal questions, delving in to all the cracks in order to get to know one another on a more intimate level. I eventually told him about my dad and the reasons he gave for leaving. Axel wanted to spend more time on that topic than I did, but I gave in and discussed it further. I don’t think it made him change his mind about my dad much, but he supported my decision to let it go. In the end, we both decided it was best to leave the past where it was, and wash our hands of the negativity it brought.
He didn’t know, and I never told him, but the idea of having more with him became a thought. I knew it wouldn’t happen anytime in the near future, but that didn’t stop the questions that consumed my mind. How many girls had he been with? When did he lose his virginity? Has he ever taken a girl’s innocence? And what would it be like to give him mine? The more we talked, the deeper things became, and it made it harder to block out my desire for him. But I never told him any of this, because it would only serve to prove his point when he said we couldn’t have it both ways. He had tried to warn me that there was a natural progression with these types of things, and I had quickly learned that he wasn’t joking. There definitely was a point of no return. It seemed as if one thing would innocently lead to another and another.
So out of curiosity, I’d asked him one night about his first time. He didn’t want to talk about it with me and deemed the conversation as off limits, but I pushed. I learned that he lost his virginity when he was eighteen to his high school sweetheart—it was her first time, too. He couldn’t give me any details about it other than it didn’t last very long, and apparently, it wasn’t that great. But he said it taught him something. He thought they would be together forever. They’d go off to school, graduate, and then get married. But they never got that far, because she cheated on him in their first year of college. He assumed it had to do with her age and inexperience, and the whole grass-is-greener thing had made her curious about other people and what she may be missing.
He didn’t say anything, and I never brought it up, but I’m sure on some level, he worried about that with me, as well. We didn’t talk about her too much before he told me other things. Like how he’d only been with five girls. He said “only”—I thought that was a lot. But I guess it was fine since he explained they were all his girlfriends at the time. He didn’t have an appetite for one-night stands and couldn’t fathom ever seeking that kind of encounter.
I’d wanted to ask how much it’d hurt me, since I was smart enough to know that losing my virginity wouldn’t be pain free, but I kept that question to myself. I really didn’t need the answer right then. Not to mention, another girl would’ve been able to give me a better idea than a guy when the time came for me to learn about it.
By the end of April, I felt as if I knew him so much better. Our relationship had grown leaps and bounds, dug deeper than ever before. Yet we still hadn’t said the dreaded L-word. I’m pretty sure what I’d felt for him had been love for a while, but I hadn’t admitted it to myself until the beginning of May. And that had come to fruition on accident.
Oftentimes, I would leave notes for Axel on his desk, always hiding them. He learned to check his papers and under his keyboard after my class. They were always innocent and funny, but one day, I slipped up without thinking. I blamed it on the heat—Axel was not kidding when he said I had to wear jeans all the time. My note was light, easy, and fun, just like every other I’d written before. I’d made a joke about his hair, and how it needed to be cut. But the one thing that made that one different from the others, was when I’d signed it. I usually wrote “xo” or would draw a smiley face. But on this one, without thinking, I’d signed it: Love, Wolf Eyes. I realized it immediately, and crumpled the paper, shoving it into my backpack instead of leaving it for him. That was the moment I could no longer deny my feelings.
Two weeks later, everything changed again.
It was prom weekend, and it had the entire school buzzing. Everyone was excited, including me. But my excitement was for something very different. Axel had asked me the weekend before if I would be able to sneak out and see him. Neither of us had any plans to attend the function, so I was left confused by his question. But he said to dress nice and meet him at his house. I had no idea what my mom’s plans entailed, but I didn’t care and accepted his invitation anyway.
Luckily, my mom had poured herself a large glass of wine early in the evening, and then retired to her room after dinner. I wasn’t sure why she’d called it such an early night since she didn’t have work that day, but it wasn’t my place to ask. I ignored her, cleaned the kitchen, and then rifled through my closet for something nice to wear.
My nerves didn’t hit me until I made it through the trees into Axel’s back yard. I found him stretching out a blanket with his back to me, but it gave me a moment to absorb everything. Candles were lit along the bricks that separated his grass from the flowerbeds, and I noticed a speaker not far from where he stood. A cooler sat out as well, although I couldn’t see what was in it. Axel wore dress clothes, like the kind he wore to school. Everything seemed so perfect and romantic, even the stars were out bright with not a cloud in the sky.
After laying the blanket out, he spun around, noticing me for the first time. He froze and allowed his eyes to linger over my appearance. I didn’t care if he scolded me for the dress since he’d been the one to tell me to dress nice. I couldn’t exactly dress up a pair of jeans. But he didn’t say anything other than, “Wow.” That wow sent my heart straight to the moon and back full of happiness.
“What’s all this for?” I asked as I slowly walked toward him.
With a shrug, he replied, “Prom. I figured we can’t go to the real one, but there’s nothing stopping us from having our own.”
“What’s the blanket for?”
“Stargazing.” He took my hand and helped me sit down, careful of my dress. Then he pulled out a bottle of sparkling grape juice and two cups from the cooler. “You look absolutely stunning, Bree. Even without lights, I can honestly say you’re the most beautiful girl in the world.”
“In the world?” I asked, laughing off his compliment. “That’s saying a bit much, don’t ya think?” I took the cup from his hand and drank, hoping that giving my hands and mouth something to do would curb my growing desire to touch him.
“Not at all.” His eyes glistened as he watched me, and then he turned his attention to the sky. “Care to lay down with me? I thought it would be nice to gaze at the stars while we talk.”
“Talk? About what?”
“I have a lot to say to you, Bree. I didn’t want it to be over the phone, and I don’t know if I can say it while looking you in the eyes. So I thought if we were next to each other, while staring into the giant sky, it might make it easier.”