“I’ve already told you, I’m a lot stronger than I used to be. I’ve gone through a lot, I’ve dealt with a lot. And I’ve always come out of it better than when I went in. So you have no need to worry about me. I have no reason to put up any kind of front for you.” Her tone had turned bitter and cold, letting me know she was through with the conversation.
I nodded at her, keeping my opinions to myself, and pulled onto the road. After rehashing her mother’s death, I wasn’t expecting Bree to talk. I figured we’d finish our drive back to the lake in silence, so when she asked me a personal question, it surprised me. “Do you still have Lassie?”
I smiled and shot her a sidelong glance. “She’s with my sister.”
“When did you move here?” she asked, keeping up with the questioning.
One of my favorite things about Aubrey was how we could slip right back into comfortable conversation, as if nothing had happened. She made it so easy to relax and forget the arguing or tension. And this time was no different. Realizing she hadn’t changed too much gave me hope. “About six months ago. I was living with my sister for a while about forty minutes from here, but then took a job with the school board here in town, so I moved here.”
As soon as the words left my mouth, it hit me that I’d been living in the same town as Bree for six months and never even knew it. She’d been directly under my nose…straight in front of my eyes. And then it gutted me, knowing how close I was to her and her husband. How I’d probably run into her again, and what it would do to me if I had to see her hold his hand…kiss his lips.
“I’ve heard you talk about your sisters,” I started, hoping to clear my head of the images that had taken over. “Those are your stepsisters, aren’t they? Are you close with them?”
“Yes. I have two. I’m really close with the older one, Sarah. The younger one, Clarissa, she’s the one that’s getting married this weekend. It was her bachelorette party last night. I love them both.”
I had one of those moments of clarity. One of those moments where you take a step back from your feelings, disconnect from your own personal attachment to a situation, and see the positives of it all. And with that, I was able to see the amazing life she’d been afforded, despite all the tragedy that led her there. In that instant, I didn’t care how that same tragedy had nearly killed me, how it had taken everything from me, including my happiness, because in the end, she was the one who’d needed protection. She was the one who had deserved everything good, and she got it.
“That makes me really happy, Bree. I’m really glad you got the chance to have the family you always deserved. I hate that you had to endure everything else, but at least it’s all behind you now? I mean, you have everything you’ve ever wanted now, right?” I asked, holding my breath for her answer. I desperately wanted her to tell me no, to tell me that she wanted me…but I knew better than to expect that.
“I have the best life. I honestly never thought I’d be able to say that, but I can. I have so much love…so many reasons to smile. Is it how I imagined it? No…not at all. But it’s my life, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”
“So you finished school? You design furniture?”
She became quiet as we pulled into the parking lot of a motel across the street from the lake. I stopped the truck and then turned to her, desperately trying to pull the answer from her head.
“Aubrey?”
“No. I didn’t go to school. I finished high school, and started a new adventure with the love of my life. And I have not one ounce of regret about that, so please, don’t question it.”
Her answer cut me open, reached inside, and pulled out my heart before running it through a grinder. Seeing her wedding ring on her finger didn’t even come close to gutting me the way her admission did…hearing her mention the “love of her life.” That was supposed to be me, dammit!
Before I could reply, she had her door open, stepping out of the truck.
“Can I see you again?” I asked, hopeful and probably partially delirious.
“No, Axel. That’s not a good idea. I think we’ve managed to get out everything that we needed to, and there’s nothing more for us to talk about. It would only complicate things, and I can’t risk anything muddling the life I’ve built.”
I nodded, understanding. “All right. I get it. I wish you all the best, Bree. If anyone deserves a happily ever after, it’s you.”
“You deserve one, too, Axel. I don’t know what happened to you after you left, but hopefully now that you have some answers and closure, you can move on and find your own happiness.”
With a smile, she closed the door and then walked to her car parked across the lot. I waited until she started the engine and backed up before I pulled out and left. During my drive home, I couldn’t stop the questions that slammed into me. All the things I’d wanted to ask about, but didn’t think to. I wanted to hear about her dad and how that relationship worked for her. I wanted to ask if she’d made any friends, if she’d found any peers that she could trust. I wanted to know everything that had happened to her in the last six and a half years, but I’d lost my chance. She didn’t want to see me again, and I’m sure after knowing about my spot by the lake, she wouldn’t show back up there again. I didn’t have her phone number, or any contact information. My only chance of getting the answers would be if we ran into each other again. And since we’d lived in the same town for six months, never really running into one another, I didn’t know when or if that would ever happen.
Intense emotions hit me once I fell into my bed. And they carried into my subconscious as I drifted off, sleep finally taking over. A familiar dream settled in, one I’d had countless times before, so vivid and real as if it’d really happened in that moment. It was of Aubrey’s hands roaming across my bare chest. My lips on hers. Her voice telling me how much she loved me, and my whispers of love in return. Her need pouring from her in waves, and my inability to turn her down. Then, I fisted her hair in my hands. Her nails dug into my back. The hottest heat I’d ever felt consumed me, rooted within me, filling me up until I couldn’t take it anymore. But like every time before, the second just before giving in, I woke up. Fuzzy images filled me with euphoria right before reality slapped me in the face.
As my eyes opened, the ache in my chest festered. Heavy regret pressed down on my ribcage, threatening to stop the beating of my heart. Remorse suffocated me, stealing the breath from my lungs. All because of the love I had for Bree. There was no denying it. I couldn’t pretend it never existed, or even convince myself that it wasn’t real. I couldn’t hide from it or make the ache go away. It was genuine and raw, powerful and unrelenting. Haunting. But I had to let it go. I had to learn to live with this hole in my chest, this deep ache in my gut, and the overwhelming emptiness inside. I had to learn to move on, like she had.
I had to learn to live again.
I had to learn to love again.
And I had to do that alone.
There’d been so many times in the past when I thought I’d seen Bree in public, so as I turned the corner in the grocery store the following Sunday, I had to take a double glance at the woman in front of me. I’d been let down so many times before when it’d turn out to be someone else. However, this time, I kept waiting for the let down, for the realization that it wasn’t her…yet it never came.
Mere feet from me stood Bree, reading the back of a condiment bottle. We’d spent six months in the same town, never meeting face to face, but after finally speaking, after we’d finally acknowledged each other, it seemed fate had intervened. Fate had brought her back to me again. I had to take that as a sign.