My voice lowered, but it remained just as harsh as I said, “Don’t blame me for that. You chose to do it all by yourself. You chose to keep me out of it. So don’t stand here and act all justified for lying to me about her. Don’t act like I knocked you up and then split, making you do it all alone.”
Her arms spread out and she leaned her chest in, as if ready for combat. “What was I supposed to do, Axel…put up a smoke signal, letting you know you had a kid? You vanished! You packed up your house and you left! You took that choice away from me.”
My hostility deflated some, knowing she was right. In all the anger that boiled inside me about not knowing that I’d had a kid, I never once thought about how that must’ve been for her. I did leave, and I’d made it nearly impossible for her to find me. Not to mention, at that time, I had no idea about her mom and that her dad had taken her away, too. “Fine. I get it, I left and inadvertently forced you to do it all by yourself. However, you’re missing one very big, important key to this equation… You’ve known for a week and a half that I live here. I’ve known for a week that you even have a daughter. I’ve asked about who her father was, and you lied to me.”
“I never lied to you, Axel. I just didn’t say it was you. I worded things in a way that you wouldn’t know it was you. You never asked me outright if she was yours, so I never lied.” Her voice had gone weak, the battle in her tone nearly disappearing, yet she remained strong in her plight.
I laughed humorlessly at her mention of wording things. “Are you kidding me? We had sex once, Aubrey! I wore a condom. It didn’t rip. It wasn’t defective, as you stated before. I was never even inside of you bare until last week. Did the thought even cross my mind that she was mine? Maybe for a split nanosecond. But most of that was purely out of wishful thinking. Not to mention, I was sure that if she had been mine, you would’ve told me. We talked about having a family together—no! We planned that in our future together. So why in the hell would I question you when you tell me it was just some kid from school?”
“Fuck you, Axel!” The tears came back, cascading down to her quivering chin. “You make it sound like it was just some random fuck. ‘It was one time. I wore a condom. It didn’t rip.’” She mimicked me with an emotionless attitude, trying to portray that I had said it like that. “It was my fucking virginity, asshole! I gave that to you. I trusted you enough to have it!”
“Stop twisting my words. You know it meant just as much to me as it did to you.”
“Do I? Do I really, Axel? Because right now, I don’t.”
I took a small step closer to her. My anger still burned within me, but at the same time, I felt broken by her accusation—her belief that her gift to me meant nothing. “I remember that day so vividly. I remember the tears I shed after school over your pain—the one and only time in my adult life I’ve ever cried. Because of you. I can’t get the images of your back out of my head, even after six years. The way you flinched when I cleaned your cuts, when I bandaged them. I’ve replayed every minuscule detail in my mind over and over again, to the point where I’d convinced myself that our time together on my couch had only been a dream. If I’d only wanted to fuck you, I would’ve done it in my back yard on prom night. I don’t know if you’ve forgotten, but I tried to push you away. I’d brought you home to clean up your back, not to take your virginity. And if it didn’t mean anything to me, I would’ve taken you in my kitchen, with you on the counter, instead of carrying you to the couch where you’d be more comfortable. I would’ve had you beneath me, not caring about your injuries. I would’ve taken charge instead of letting you lead the whole way.
“That’s not how I’d wanted it to be with you for the first time. That’s not how I wanted you to give yourself to me. You were cut and hurt…you were in pain after suffering another round of abuse by your mother. That’s not how I wanted it to be between us. But the way you begged me to make you feel safe, to love you the way no other man ever would…I couldn’t say no. It was your gift to give, and I had to let you do it your way, accepting it without concern for the consequences. I would have rather waited until I could love you the way you deserved to be loved your first time. Had I known what would’ve happened that week at school, I never would’ve done it.” My voice had grown so quiet, so gravelly, I almost didn’t think it was mine.
“That’s where we differ. Even knowing what happened after that, I still wouldn’t take it back. Ayla saved my life. I went to the hospital because I suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum. I couldn’t even keep water down, and I became incredibly dehydrated. Without that, I may have never found the right time to tell anyone about my mother’s abuse. I would’ve never gotten out from beneath her and come to live with my dad. So regardless of what happened or how…she saved me. And she’s a part of you. So in some tiny way, you fulfilled that promise. I have not one single part of me that would take that back if given the opportunity.”
“That’s fantastic, Bree. I’m really fucking happy that it all worked out for you. My daughter saved your life, while mine fell apart. But that’s neither here nor there. Once again, we were fucked by circumstance. However, none of that excuses your lies—I’m sorry…omission of the truth. You had so many chances to tell me. Yet you chose not to. You chose to keep her from me.”
“I needed time to work it out!” she screamed in my face, clearly out of patience. “I never thought I’d see you again, Axel. How was I supposed to know you’d show up in the same town I’ve lived in for six years? How was I supposed to know you’d wind up a kindergarten teacher? How could I have possibly guessed that Ayla’s teacher would’ve had a heart attack and you’d fill in for her? These things don’t happen in real life! I never needed to figure out how to tell you because I never thought I’d have the chance. So fucking forgive me for not knowing how to handle it!”
“But at some point, Bree”—I drew my face dangerously close to hers, lowing my voice—“you were going to tell me. Once you worked it out. Once you figured out how to let me know that I have a kid. Did you happen to think about my reaction then? Do you honestly think that had Ayla not spilled the beans, and I heard it from your mouth instead, it would’ve made this better?”
“I don’t know!” She shoved at my chest, knocking me back a few steps, and stormed across the room. “I was completely caught off guard, Axel. I mean, I woke up in your freaking living room for crying out loud. I was hung over and in shock of seeing you again. I didn’t think the salad dressing aisle at the super market made a good place to confess that sort of thing. And the next time I saw you, you were sitting with her! What do you expect?”
“Okay, fine. I admit you were taken by surprise. But what about at the hospital? What about after we came back here? We sat on your bed and talked about her. I asked you about her father. We made love. Why not then?”
“You mean when I was worried about my dad?”
I let out a frustrated grunt. “You didn’t seem so worried about him when you were naked beneath me.”
“Fuck you!”
Another thought shot to the forefront of my mind, causing me to ask it before giving it much thought. “You were more than okay having sex without a condom, letting me come inside you. How sure are you that I’m her father? Her last name is Bailey. Where did that come from?”
“Are you fucking kidding me right now? I’ve had sex twice in my life…both times have been with you. I wasn’t lying when I said I hadn’t slept with anyone since the time I got pregnant with Ayla. You were inside me…how loose was I, Axel?”