Tracii had a special way of making it known when she was done with a conversation. It wasn’t always subtle. In fact, it was rarely subtle. But despite her borderline rude attitude, she was genuinely a good person. And that was why I ended up at her house when I was too lost to know where to go.
For the remainder of the week, I struggled with my emotions. I’d be fine, going about my day like normal, and then get an urge to call Bree. I didn’t know what I wanted to tell her, or why I even wanted to call, but I’d literally have to make myself do something else to keep my fingers from dialing her number.
Ayla had come to class every day, clearly oblivious to our connection. I didn’t even have to ask to know that her mother hadn’t told her anything about me. And that only made me want to reach out more, asking Bree if she had given it any thought at all. I wanted to believe that she had, and that her decision would be in my favor, but I couldn’t help the worry that possessed me at the thought of her keeping Ayla from me.
By Friday, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. But instead of calling Bree, knowing that wouldn’t end well, I decided to call my parents. They lived four hours away, so I couldn’t very well just stop in and talk to them face to face. A phone call was my only option.
My mom answered the phone, giving me her usual update on life and the happenings around them, but once she finished filling me in, I asked that she get Dad on the phone, as well. That’s when she turned quiet, and I knew she could tell something big was about to happen.
“I just want to start off by saying I’m fine. My job is going good and no one is dying,” I said after my dad picked up the line, hoping to calm some of their worry. “But I do have some big news I wanted to share with you guys, and I don’t know how you’re going to take it. Bree—the student from years ago that I had the relationship with—lives here. Before you say anything, I had no idea before I moved here. In fact, we’ve been living in the same town for six months, and we never realized it until two weeks ago.”
“Just spit it out, Axel,” my dad said harshly, not one to deal with stalling.
“Well, we ran into each other, and it turns out I’m subbing for her daughter’s class. I didn’t know she had a daughter until then.” I paused, finding my courage to continue with what I had to say. “I know I told you guys that we were never intimate, but I was too scared to tell you the truth.”
Silence filled my ear.
“I found out that she’s also my daughter. Bree and I have a child together,” I said through a tight throat, nearly choking on my words.
“So you slept with a student? Your student?” my mom asked angrily.
“It wasn’t like that. We shared a connection…a life-altering connection. We were only intimate one time, at the very end. And it was real, for both of us. It’s not like we snuck around all the time or that I took advantage of her. It was a very personal moment for us both.”
“A very personal moment that probably destroyed the poor girl’s life. A very personal moment that nearly destroyed your life. Or have you already forgotten that? Have you already forgotten that your moment of weakness, and her betrayal, caused you to lose your job with the high school? That it caused you to drown yourself in bottle after bottle of alcohol?”
Luckily, my dad interrupted and urged my mom to calm down. He didn’t speak into the phone, but I could hear his even mumble through the line, and knew what he’d done. He’d given me a moment to compose myself, and offered my mom a chance to breathe properly.
“No, Mom. I didn’t destroy her life. As strange as it sounds, it actually played a really big part in saving her life. It got her away from her mother, and back into her father’s life. She’s very different now than she was back then. And she says it’s because of Ayla.”
“Ayla? That’s her name?” My mom’s voice sounded broken, heavy with emotion at the mention of her granddaughter’s name. “Is she a Taylor?”
“Her name is McKayla, but no, she’s not a Taylor. Bree didn’t give her my last name out of fear I’d get in trouble. But I’m working on that. If I have my way, she will be a Taylor.”
“You gonna do right by her, son?” my dad asked, finally speaking up, the emotion in his voice just as heavy as my mom’s.
“If you’re asking if I’ll take care of my daughter, the answer is an infallible yes. But if you’re wondering about the future of Bree and me, I can’t give you that answer. It’s only been a couple of weeks since we’ve been back in each other’s lives, and it’s been really rocky. I don’t know where her head is at, and I don’t want to push her.”
“Where is your head at, son?”
I ran my fingers through my hair, the length finally long enough to grab some. “In regards to Bree? I don’t know, Dad,” I said with a deep sigh. “I can’t even begin to give you an answer. The last time we talked wasn’t very pretty. I think we both have a lot to work through, not only with each other, but with ourselves, too. There is a big issue with trust between us.”
“Well, you’re talking about another person involved, as well, an innocent child, Axel.” My father’s loud voice boomed through the line. “It doesn’t matter how you feel about her mother right now, or even how she feels about you. You both need to get your heads out of your asses and think about what’s best for that little girl.”
“Axel,” my mom said, her melodic voice a massive contrast to my dad’s. “We trust you, honey. While we don’t agree with the decisions you’ve made regarding Bree, we trust that you know what you’re doing. But you can’t call us up, tell us we have another grandchild we know nothing about, and expect us to be calm about it. You made a mistake all those years ago and—”
“No, I didn’t make a mistake, Mom. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, and even though a lot of unnecessary things happened following those decisions we made and the relationship we both willingly entered, I don’t regret it at all.”
“Sounds to me like you know what you want,” my mom said, sounding very assured in her words. “But knowing you, you’re too stubborn, and maybe even a little scared to go after it. You’re not her teacher anymore. She’s no longer your student. You’re both adults and free to work things out. Stop letting the past hold back your future. You have a daughter to think about now. You can’t afford to waste any more time.”
I nodded, knowing she couldn’t see me, but it was all I could do with my words caught in my throat. I’d accused Bree of being a coward, and yet there I was, doing the same thing. I had allowed my anger over the entire situation—over everything that had ever happened to us—keep me from seeing the bigger picture.
I had a daughter.
And her mother would always be in my life. It just came down to how I wanted her in it. I couldn’t allow my fears of the truth, of our past, of our connection, to keep me from feeling.
I hung up the phone, promising to keep them informed on Ayla and Bree, and gave into my thoughts. I laid down for bed that night, allowing my mind the free reign to feel it all, to go back to the first time I’d set eyes on Bree. The first time I saw her smile. And to the time I realized I loved her. I let it drift to the day she gave herself to me, the way she looked into my eyes and told me how much she loved me. How I’d held her shaky body as she straddled my hips, and promised I would always protect her. And then I thought back to the day I walked away, hearing her cry out for me. I allowed myself to remember the way her voice sounded—so desperate, so scared—and how I had to fight with every ounce of strength I had to not turn around.