But no matter how I felt while reliving those moments, nothing compared to the emotion that filled me as I pictured her eyes, those bright-yellow wolf eyes on the dock after I pulled her from the water. Her hair plastered to her face, the fear in her eyes, the panic in each frantic breath she took. Because I’d felt it, too. I just hadn’t allowed myself to accept it. I’d always been the strong one between us. I’d always been the one to save her, protect her, and nothing made me feel weaker, more scared, than looking into those eyes after all that time.
We had the power to save each other…yet we also had the ability to bring the other to their knees. When you have love as strong as ours, it can be amazing, powerful, life-changing. It can also be devastating, crippling, and destructive. It’s all in how you take care of it.
I hadn’t taken care of it back then. I didn’t protect it the way I should have. I had allowed myself to put us in a position that led us to being discovered. That one choice, that one simple, mindless mistake, tore her away from me. I couldn’t help but wonder what would’ve happened had I never stopped at that dollar store. Had I never kissed her before going in. But it did me no good to question that.
We flourished in the shadows. We existed in the secrecy of our relationship. But the real question was…did we have what it takes to grow in the sun, to survive in public when we have no oppositions but ourselves?
And more importantly…did I want to find the answer?
I arrived at the father-daughter dance early to help set up and get the school’s gym ready. My nerves were fried, my stomach twisted in knots, wondering if Bree would bring Ayla. One of the administrators had the list of students that had brought back a signed form, but I couldn’t find it in me to ask if her name was on that list. So I swallowed my anxiety and focused on setting up the gym.
Before I knew it, kids filtered in the doors, followed by their dads. The little girls wore frilly dresses, and most of the men accompanying them dressed in slacks and ties. Some of the girls even had flowers on their arms, which I assumed came from their fathers to help make the night special. All around me, I had signs of the things I could have, if only I went after it. Everywhere I turned, I had a reminder of what awaited me…as long as Bree brought Ayla.
The flow of arriving people slowed, only a few trickling in from time to time. My hopes began to diminish, fear setting in that Aubrey wouldn’t let me be the man I wanted to be. She wouldn’t allow me to be the father I’d hoped to be. But I had to keep up appearances, not letting it get me down in front of my students and peers.
In a crowd of people by the refreshments table, I felt a tug on my arm. I glanced down, thinking a child wanted something to drink, but to my surprise, I found Ayla standing there.
“Where’s your mommy?” I asked, kneeling down to her level, trying and failing at keeping the overwhelming smile from taking over.
“She walked me in and then left. She told me to come find you. Are you going to be my daddy for the night?”
My heart picked up its pace and drummed against my ribcage. “Ayla, sweetheart, I’ll be anything you want me to be.”
A huge smile stretched across her face, causing her upper lip to nearly disappear. It was Bree’s smile, and it filled me with happiness. She wore her blond hair pulled out of her face, and it only made her look even more like her mother. God, I wanted to hold her and never let her go.
“You look very pretty, Ayla. Is this a new dress?” I asked, fingering the material that hung below her knees. It’s the only thing I could do to keep myself from pulling her into my arms.
She nodded eagerly. “Yes. Nana bought it for me. She said every princess needs a new gown for the ball. Am I a princess, Mr. Taylor?”
“Of course you are, Ayla. Princess Ayla,” I said with a wink, fighting with all my strength to not say more. I wanted to call her my princess. And that’s when I remembered the fairy tale Bree told me on the night of her birthday so many years before. I wanted that to come true, but I didn’t know how.
Before we could say another word to each other, one of the administrators called for everyone’s attention. They were starting the hula-hoop dance. Ayla’s eyes lit up with excitement as she ran to the gathering crowd of kids. I watched her the entire time, fascinated with her. While waiting her turn, she engaged in conversation with some of her classmates, and other girls that were not in her class. It filled me with a sense of pride, observing her in her own element. And it made me think of Bree, of how she’d missed out on this in her youth. Seeing Ayla, looking so much like Bree in that moment, made me sad for the way Aubrey had to grow up. I’d always seen her as a lost and lonely seventeen-year-old. But that was only a snapshot of her life. I’d never fully imagined how things were for her when she was Ayla’s age. Nor had I really allowed myself to accept the person she’d grown into.
The girls took turns with the hoops, twirling it around their hips a few times before it’d fall to the floor, all while “Twist and Shout” played through the speakers. Once it was over, Ayla did something I hadn’t expected. She ran to me and jumped in my arms, holding on tightly. I held her to me, wanting that moment to last forever. But I had to let go, and when I did, her face came into view, the biggest smile I’d ever seen plastered to her face.
Regular music began to play and Ayla wanted to dance. I set her down and walked with her to the middle of the gym where the crowd had gathered. She glanced around at the other little girls, and without prompting her to do so, she held my hands and stepped on my toes.
“Have you done this before?” I asked with a grin. “You’re quite good at it.”
“No, not like this.”
“Well, you’re a very good dancer, Ayla. Maybe you should be a ballerina when you grow up. How does that sound?” Speaking to kids her age wasn’t strange for me. Even before teaching younger students, I had my niece that could carry on an entire conversation with a brick wall. So this was nothing new for me. What was new, was talking to my own daughter about her life.
“No. I don’t want that. I want to be the president.”
My eyes widened in surprise at her words. “Of the United States?”
“Yeah,” she said with an eager nod and bright smile. “I want to make rules and have my own airplane.”
I couldn’t hold back the laugh that bubbled inside my gut. “That’s rather ambitious of you. What kind of rules would you make?”
Her smile fell as she glanced around at the other little girls dancing with their fathers. “I’d make a rule that no one can take daddies away.”
“What do you mean?” My heart stilled in my chest and my movements slowed.
She looked up and met my eyes. “Mommy said I don’t have a daddy because people made him leave. She said they didn’t want her to marry him. But she has me, and I’m the most important part of him, and they can’t ever take me away. But sometimes, I wish I had my daddy. You know? Like the other kids.”
I reached down and picked her up so we were eye level. “Those people who made him leave were just following rules that are in place to protect little kids.”
“I know. That’s what Mommy says, too.”
“What else has your mother told you about your daddy?” My stomach twisted in anticipation of her answer.
With an impish scrunch of her nose and twinkle in her eyes, she said, “That he’s really really really handsome. And super smart. And she loves him forever.” Her words made my heart swell in my chest.