Nikki and I look at each other, sharing the guilt, as we scarf down stuff that should never be called food.
I ask her, “How’re the nachos you stole from me?’
She makes a face, mouth full. “Those tacos worth stabbing me in the back?”
Laughter and more eating.
She turns on the radio and tells me, “This song is, like, everywhere. Every single station. Watch…”
Nikki scans the other stations, stopping only long enough to hear a couple beats. But she’s right, two stations down the line, the song is playing.
“See?” She sips from a big plastic thing of soda.
“I don’t get it,” I tell her.
Nikki says, “I love the song. It’s so… now.”
I guess so. A song that defines this moment?
I start on another taco.
She jumps up in her seat, leaning forward, which makes me drop the taco all over my lap. She laughs and says, “Come on, let’s do something else!”
I’m like, “Yeah, sure,” and then, “Of course, I’ve had enough to feel guilty for a long-ass time.”
Nikki touches my arm. “Wanna go for a walk?”
You know I do. But let’s not seem too eager. I tell her, “Sounds good.” And then I ask, “Where?”
She narrows her eyes, knowing well that I won’t be able to say no. “You know where…”
At first I think she’s joking. Then I begin to see it all. Everything. I see it pull back, like one of those movie shots where it starts zoomed in and then zooms out to reveal a huge landscape.
In this case, I’m focused on her so much that I forget to even notice everything that makes her even want to be around me.
Zoom out and I see.
Zoom out more and I can’t help but feel cheated.
Zoom out to the point where I’m parking the damn car at the fields, and we’re both getting out into the dark of the night, walking the fields with our phones used as flashlights, me shining my light over her shape, Nikki shining her light in my eyes, blinding me, laughing — it’s a wide zoom that makes me feel, well, kind of sick.
I know. I know that she is like all the others.
I’m quiet and she’s all happy, giggling and doing her thing, what she probably uses on any guy she wants.
Hand in hand, but my arm is limp; she’s swinging it as we walk closer and closer to the real cause for all this.
Do I need to really say it?
Do I really need to say anything?
Zoom out enough and it’s all so obvious. But from this distance, it seems like everyone would get it instantly. I’m the stupid moron who thought that she actually liked me.
I see the spray-painted black crown from far away.
The moon is high in the sky.
She’s leading the way.
There it is — root cause. And I think I’m going to be sick. All that fast food’s going to end up under some tree.
Nikki pulls me in close. “Tell me,” she says in a whisper.
I got to play up the conversation. I can’t stand it, but that doesn’t mean I’m a wuss and won’t go through with this, like maybe I’ll still get to make out or round the bases with a one-of-a-kind girl like Nikki.
But come on, I know that I won’t get that far.
Still, I say in a perfect even tone, “Tell you what?” Say it in a way that’s as sexual as possible. Flirting, I guess.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
Nikki’s eyes glow. “Is it here?”
Do I play dumb or do I fast-forward, zoom the hell out to where I can be sick and everything that seemed worth it ends up being wrong?
I push it aside, mostly because I don’t want to believe it, don’t want to believe that it’s just the same as anything or anyone else.
I tell her, “Yeah.”
Nikki kisses me. It’s a real kiss. I want it to be because she likes me, not because she wants to be near it.
When I pull away, she says, “Keep kissing me. I wanna know what it feels like to kiss you.”
We kiss and then she runs away from me screaming, “I wanna know what it’s like!”
I run after her. “What are you doing?”
She runs toward the opening, as if she’s going to run too.
I’m saying something like, “Are you serious?” But it doesn’t come out as a question. She stops near the opening of the Falter tunnel and then kisses me again. She pushes me to the ground. “What does it feel like to never be alone?”
A kiss.
“I just, like, wanna know what it feels like to be around.”
I tell her, “This is what it feels like.”
“It’s watching us right now, right?”
I nod.
She giggles. “I wanna make out right here, right now.”
“W-what?” It’s a genuine stutter. She’s kind of freaking me out.
She’s unbuttoning my shirt, her face near mine, breathing heavy, eyes wide and really bold. “I know you wanna.”
I don’t.
Nikki pulls her dress up. “I wanna be as close to it as possible.”
I really don’t.
Nikki bites my lower lip. “Make it do something.”
I really can’t.
I’m frozen in place, shocked by what’s happening. Nikki kisses me hard, driving her tongue into my mouth. She keeps asking me about the demon — what it’s like to be haunted by it, what it’s like to be so close to possession, what it’s like to never be really sure of what I’m feeling — and then I push her away when she finally comes out with it: “Make it latch on to me.”
I tell her, “Stop.”
But she doesn’t, not at first. She keeps trying to kiss me, forcing her will on me or something.
My stomach churns. I jump up to my feet, knowing that it’s all coming up. I don’t want her to see it, so I run into the tunnel.
She doesn’t follow.
I hear her call out my name, but I run until I can’t see the entrance anymore.
I run and then somewhere around there, I feel better. I feel fine. The sickness disappears. I stop and just stand there, wherever I am, in complete darkness. I’d look around but there’s nothing to see, nothing to feel either. The air around me heavy, but really, I feel fine. I feel… safe.
I think about what might happen next.
How I’ll have to go back to that.
“That” being the failure of a date, the failure of everything.
I’m confused but here, in the tunnel, it’s strange, almost comforting. The fact that nothing is there, literally nothing at all, not even sound, makes me feel great. It’s comforting. I stand there, absent to everything.
Until I know that I’ll have to face it.
So I walk back until I can see the opening. Nikki is sitting on one of the rocks, her dress wrinkled. She looks depressed.
When she sees me, she runs to me, and it’s clear that she’s still not convinced that this — whatever’s between us — is over.
“Hunter, what the hell?”
All I say is “I’m heading back.”
“But…”
She follows. She doesn’t want to be abandoned at Falter, not with the legend being so true and real and mysterious and fun and awesome and attractive.
On the drive back, Nikki tries to talk to me, tries to apologize, but she doesn’t know why any of this has happened. She feels vulnerable, and you know what? She should feel that way. If only she knew how insane this feels for me. And then she looks in the backseat and asks me if it’s there.
“I just wanna know, that’s all.”
Ugh. I’m not going to tell her.
I’m never going to tell.
She gets dropped off at her fancy house and I drive home. I park the car in the street because my dad’s home and took my spot, and I wait in the car until they’re both asleep.
I count the windows, looking at every single one. I swear that one of the lights flickers on and off, but I don’t care. Even if it is you, I don’t care.