I’m standing where you’d be standing. And no one seems to notice that I’m standing right here—you’re standing right here — the entire time.
Even when there’s no activity, you’re standing near and within reach of other people’s breaths. You can breathe for them, I know you can. You can breathe just like me. In this case, you are, and I’m sensing that there really isn’t a whole lot of difference between the two of us.
Like, you’ve got to trust your instincts, you know? You need to say what comes to mind.
This is the scene that this entire thing has been leading up to. I know that, and even so, it’s like I can’t actually say the words.
We’re finished.
I can’t say them.
I can’t say them to her, and definitely not to her face.
But here, in this dream… that person standing there is supposed to be me. He’s talking like he’s sure about the future. He’s talking like he’s never been more confident of a decision before. He’s talking to Becca like she’s the reason he’s never changed. He’s talking like I should have been talking.
It starts long before the words “We’re finished.”
It starts when Becca walks up and says that everything’s planned. My reaction, our reaction, it’s basically like, “What’s planned?”
And then we find out that Becca’s planned the entire day: she’s spoken with Halverson and gotten permission to leave school early so that I can go get some fresh air, maybe get checked again by a second source. Becca has planned it all out like I’m a kid. She does this. She always does this and it drives me crazy.
Then when it’s time to finally say no, Becca acts like I’ve gone and done it. She acts like I really have gone crazy.
I’m not crazy. I’m not, right? Right.
It seems more like she’s the one who’s out of her fucking mind, saying all these things, doing stuff for me when I’m my own person. Whatever that means.
Then it’s like — I don’t let my mom pamper me, why do I let Becca do this stuff? It’s true. You’re starting to make more sense than anyone else. Everyone else is saying impossible things, like they aren’t saying anything at all. But you’re saying every single thing for me.
It’s a real big help, thanks.
You’re really coming out of your shell. People say that, right—“coming out of your shell”? You look just like me and you do a mean impersonation. Becca doesn’t realize that it’s you that’s telling her to go get a life. Do something else for once. How it’s insane that she can think that it’s okay to do this to a person. How it’s what’s really insane — the fact that this has lasted more than a few years.
She’s repeating herself now. Apologies and then it’s “How can I make it up to you?” and “Sorry about the invitation thing,” and also “We don’t have to go.”
Of course we don’t have to go. I don’t have to go anywhere I don’t want to. I don’t have to ask you to prom, and I don’t have to do what you say.
This is all toxic.
If people hold you back, keeping you from being, well, you, shouldn’t you fix the problem? Shouldn’t you, I don’t know, maybe find people who make you a better person? Find people who you can actually relate to?
I don’t know, it seems kind of stupid to think that you can just be friends with anyone. Not everyone’s the same. Not everyone gets along with each other.
Just like these dreams, no two are the same. They’re all different, and yeah, I’m different too.
So then another thing to be said is that we have nothing in common. You tell her that, for me, and it’s what breaks her down. It’s the one that gets her crying. But I know it’s an act. You know that too, I’m sure. It’s all an act. She does that to get other people’s attention. Becca does it to hopefully make it look like I’m the bad person here.
I’m the one who’s “breaking her heart.”
But she’s really crying because she knows that it’s ending now and there goes her investment. There goes three and a half years of keeping this guy on a short leash. Three and a half years down the drain.
It’s a short scene, telling me what I need to do.
It really does seem easy. But I don’t know if I can do it alone. I need someone at my side. Someone I can trust. I need to know that I’ll be doing the right thing.
This has gone on for too long, I know.
She’s going to be broken up about it because it means she’ll have to start from scratch. She’ll try to fix things, but I can’t just get lazy and let it go, just stop halfway, you know? I can’t do that. I’m in the situation I am because I never tried to meet people. I just kept whoever was there around. I let other people keep the friendship afloat. I let that all happen on its own.
It’s why I’m this way.
And I have to know that it’ll change.
It’s getting so damn old. Everything’s bogus. Everything’s a bust.
We’re finished.
I can say it.
We’re finished.
You’re saying it the way I need to say it.
We’re finished.
I guess I just need a little support. Friends on my side, but Brad and Blaire and Jon-Jon and everyone else, they’re there to watch, not to help. We’ve never had anything in common except that we needed someone to hang around. It’s all kind of a lie, if you really think about it. But this dream, it’s the truth. It’s telling me what I need to do. It’s telling me what I need to hear. It’s showing me what I need to see.
And don’t think I don’t realize that it’s you.
You’re the one that’s making everything change. You’re helping me out, and that’s awesome. But I need help now more than ever.
I can hear myself saying it in my sleep, “Will you help me?”
Will you help?
Of course you will.
And then the next moment I’m calm and smiling. A smile on my face while I dream up that moment when I tell Becca to her face, “We’re finished.” I dream it over and over again, a dozen times, until I wake up.
It’s because you’re helping me that any of this is happening.
I probably didn’t even need to ask.
But I know you were waiting.
It’s the offer you’ve been waiting for.
Once I say it, it’s like everything clicks into place. There’s no more doubt, and I’m really sure that I’m going to be a different person someday. We all change over time. I’m confident that this is necessary.
I can’t fill my life with fair-weather friends.
I need to know that I’m doing the right thing.
You make sure that I never lose confidence. You say all the things I’m supposed to say.
And that’s when I know that you and I really get along.
It’s like you’re thinking what I’m thinking, and I’m thinking what you’re thinking. It kind of goes in a circle, and now I sense that when I’m not sure, you’ll be there to pick up the slack.
Like a true friend, you know?
No, I don’t think I’m crazy.
I think we’re getting along just fine.
10
WHAT HAPPENS IN A DREAM HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE. IT makes sense now. I woke up this morning with marks on my arms, just to make sure that I’d remember. Yeah, it’s a dream, so what? Yeah, I didn’t go through with it, so what happens now? That’s a good question.
I look at the marks like they’re tattoos. But yeah, they’re more to help me remember that it’ll happen today. They help me remember to be confident. They help remind me that I’ve got your help.
“Thanks,” I say on the drive to school.