I run for maybe a minute and then I stop. I take out my phone and shine it in front of me. I see it. I see all the things that you’ve taken from my bedroom and from the house. At the end of the tunnel, there’s another bedroom, made from things you stole.
I’m saying, “This is where you come from?”
But that’s wrong, because what you’re telling me right after is that “this is where I go to be by myself.”
Then why are my things here?
But see, I get it. I do.
You really don’t have to tell me.
I say, “Yeah, it’s kind of a stupid name. That’s why I didn’t end up using it.”
And then you say, “I understand.”
You really do. H — it’s not actually that cool of a name. Not that you need it, that name. Mine will do just fine.
You say it: “Hunter.”
Then I say, “You get used to it over time.”
We start working on a way where we can both talk and not lose the point of what we’re trying to say a moment later. It’s not going to work, I don’t think, if we refer to each other as “we,” right?
It will not work.
That’s what I thought. I think it’s better if we just keep things the same. Yet different. Yeah, well, it really does feel like everything’s changing and I’m really happy. I’ve never felt this happy before, like I can do… anything.
You can do anything.
I know, I know — it feels just like that, you know?
I know precisely what you mean.
That’s what’s so awesome, I think. I feel, like, encouraged to not hold back anymore.
There is no reason to hold back.
Definitely. Definitely. Not when I feel this good.
There will be problems.
I know. I know there’ll be problems, but when aren’t there any problems? I think that’s kind of why I stuck around her for so long. She was the problem, yeah, but I got used to the problem, and because I did, there was nothing else that really came up. It was always just one big predictable problem.
She needed you more than you needed her.
Yeah, that’s true. And it’s also like with everyone else… I met people and those people who I met became the people I stayed around. I mean, that’s what everyone does. But I did it in a way where it could have been anyone, really. It could be someone else, someone totally random, and I’d end up around them if they were there.
But not anymore.
I kept it all the same anyway… Yeah, not anymore. Things are starting to feel different. I mean, like, one thing that should be bothering me is am I awake or asleep? Does it matter?
It does not.
I guess it doesn’t. And then I should probably be worried about what people are saying.
Yet you won’t.
No, I won’t — I’m like, “Say what you want. I am trusting my instincts.” I get along. This is working. Getting along just fine. I think people don’t understand. They don’t understand what’s going on with me. They could never understand because it isn’t actually happening to them.
It is only happening to us.
Yeah, exactly! It’s like, it’s like… we met in our own way. I know we said not to use the plural “we,” but I guess in this case it works?
It will do just fine.
Cool — and, um, what was I saying? Right! You and I met just like Blaire and I met, and Becca and I met, and Brad — wait, not Brad. But it’s true. Sure, we’re different, but nobody’s the same. We’re different but actually I think we get along well. Who cares if what I tell people doesn’t make sense? They don’t get what we’re talking about. But we get along real well.
I think we have more in common than one would expect.
I agree. The strange thing is really just how people see this as so different, so, like, fucked up.
They do not understand.
Like, you make all those crashing noises, and open doors, and do all that stuff because… why do you do that stuff?
I get bored. I get lonely. I want attention too.
Yeah, I can see that. I can definitely see that. But people see it as haunting behavior. They see it as symptoms. They see it as problems that need to be fixed. Everything’s a problem to them, ugh. I just don’t want to be around people who don’t even try to understand what’s happening to me, you know?
I understand.
Well, yeah, of course you do. But that’s also why people are going to have such a hard time with this.
Many will fail to fathom it.
Fathom, yeah. That’s a good word. I like words that start with the letter “f”—“father,” “fixate,” “further”…
“Falter.”
Yeah, that’s a good one. Then there’s the go-to staple: “fuck.”
Humans love to fuck.
That makes me laugh, man, that really does. And it’s true. It’s basically written into our DNA or something. Do you ever have those kinds of needs?
No. I experience what I experience, but for the most part, what is felt is what humans define as loneliness. I get lonely, which is precisely why I do the things I do.
Well, you’re hanging with me now. You’re right here with me. I consider you a friend. No one would have really helped me out the way you did. There’s no way I would have been able to break things off with her if you weren’t there, even going all out and saying the right things so that I wasn’t so nervous.
I am not going anywhere.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. You can stick around. I want you to. I consider you a real friend. And we get along. We’re getting along, right?
You invited me. I am not going anywhere.
That’s awesome. Yeah, I can count on you. I mean, think of it this way: As long as I get what’s going on, nothing else matters, right? Right?
Correct.
Yeah, they’ll look at me weird. They’ll think they need to save me; they’ll talk about how I’m losing. But I never said I was fighting. I’m not fighting any battles, and I don’t think they’ll understand how I know even before I could ever know what’s going to happen. Like, I know what’s going to happen, like, whole days before it’s going to happen. People call that a symptom. I think it’s really a gift. You’re letting me know before it happens.
There are plenty of surprises ahead.
Yeah, it would be boring if there weren’t. That’s what I was going on and on about earlier. Things are definitely different and they can’t be different if everything’s the same.
Nothing will ever be the same again.
Nope. Things are getting exciting. I mean, people will say it’s weird, how I talk to myself… but that’s what they see. They hear us talking but it’s the same voice. It’s like, “Who is saying what?” It doesn’t matter. Hunter.
H.
I said something.
Then I spoke.
I should be scared.
You should be scared.
Why am I not scared?
Because you’re smarter than most.
Right, and that’s cool of you to say, but what just happened there happened without even having to say anything. But we could have said it. If we did, it would be, like, to other people, complete insanity. They’ll say that I’m speaking in tongues. They usually say that about a person when he’s all possessed. Oh! And that’s another thing. This is possession, right?
You are possessed?
I’m not sure. I guess this is it. I was reading about it earlier. You saw.
I did.
And well, they say that when it’s, like, no longer a sense of being watched and now a sense of being one, or no longer, um — what were the words? — able to think clear thoughts without there being…
Interjections.
Yeah, interjections, then it’s more likely that the subject is possessed. That’s what they call people in the videos: “subjects.”
The subject in question is: What of bonding isn’t possession?