I sat with my butt to the floor and stared at my bathroom cabinets thinking maybe I needed a different private investigator.
Then I sucked in breath in order to move.
It hurt to move. It hurt to sit. It hurt to lie down. It hurt to sleep. It hurt to breathe.
And every day, it hurt worse.
I wasn’t bleeding, my skin wasn’t ripping open, my hair wasn’t falling out.
But I was dying. Dying inside, I could feel it.
Slowly, I walked through the bathroom, opened the door then walked out the door, through the bedroom and into my living room. I heard the murmuring voices and stopped, leaning against the wall to hold myself up. Then I listened.
“I’m worried,” Mom whispered.
“Me too,” Phoebe whispered back. “It gets worse every day.”
“Is she taking her vitamins?” Dad asked as if vitamins would help with this.
“I don’t know. She picked up the prescription the doctor gave her when he confirmed her pregnancy. I took her to get them myself. But I don’t know if she’s taking them.” Mom said.
“One of us should stay with her all the time,” Dad stated. “Make sure she’s taking her vitamins. Make sure she’s sleeping. Make sure she’s eating.”
“Agreed,” Phoebe said instantly. “I can move in, sleep here at night.”
“I can take the days,” Mom added.
“We’ll do weekends, Phoebe, give you a break,” Dad told my friend and I closed my eyes again.
I couldn’t endure another weekend without Tor. I didn’t know if I could endure another second without him much less another whole week.
“She has that other Cora’s money, Phoebe,” Dad went on. “But Dara and I saved twenty-five grand for Cora’s wedding. You, Harold and Marlene find someone who knows something, who can help and they won’t do it without getting paid, you need it, you add that, you hear?”
I opened my eyes.
My Dad. God, he was such a great, freaking guy.
And twenty-five grand for my wedding? That was way cool and that would have given me a kickass wedding, what he knew I always wanted.
Yeah, my Dad was a great, freaking guy.
“Yeah, Forrest,” Phoebe whispered.
There was silence then from Mom, her voice dripping with concern, “If she’s going through this, what’s Tor going through?”
I twisted my neck to press my cheek against the wall.
The very thought of that hurt too because I knew he was experiencing the same thing. My mighty warrior prince, struck low with this hideous pain. No one could endure this, no one, not even him.
And certainly not me.
“She told me she holds half his soul and he’s feeling the same as she is,” Phoebe answered my Mom.
“God, that man, I can’t imagine –” Mom whispered.
“Don’t,” my father cut in. “Only imagine a solution to this problem. Phoebe and her friends will find a way. Negative thinking never helped anything.”
“You’re right, my love,” Mom whispered.
“I know, my love,” Dad whispered back.
My love.
I could take no more.
I forced myself forward and stopped in the kitchen doorway, seeing three pairs of startled eyes turn to me, eyes that were set in haggard, worried faces.
“You should be lying down,” Mom ordered, bustling forward.
“I need some alone time,” I told her.
“Sweetie, you can have it, go to your room and –” Mom began.
“I need you guys to leave,” I announced, her eyes got big and her torso shifted back.
“Cora, sweetie, that’s not –”
“I know you’re worried about me, I heard you talking and even if I didn’t, it’s impossible to miss. And okay, you want to watch over me, that’s cool. But give me an hour. Just an hour. I just need to rest and clear my head and not think of you in here whispering or worrying. I just need to be alone and quiet for an hour. Then you can come back. Can you give me that?”
“We can be quiet here, sweetheart,” Dad said softly.
“It’s not the same, Dad,” I replied.
“Cora, you’re not too –” Phoebe began and that was when I lost it.
I’d been holding it together, holding it by a thread, holding onto that thread for two weeks, living for two, long weeks with the constant feeling that thread was going to slip from my fingers. And, just then, I lost hold of that thread. It wasn’t nice, it wasn’t good but that was when I lost it.
“I know what I am, all right?” I shouted, shut my eyes against the worry on their faces and nodded my head sharply once. I opened my eyes and looked at them. “I’m hurting and I’m sorry and none of this is in anyone’s control and you’re all dragged into it and you’re worried about me and you’re giving up time and energy and it’s making me feel guilty on top of everything else and I just need to be free of that. Just for an hour.”
“You didn’t do anything to feel guilty for, honey,” Mom said quietly and I looked at her.
“I know that Mom but that doesn’t make me feel any less guilty,” I returned, she bit her lip and I sucked in another painful breath and snatched back that thread, holding onto it for dear life.
Then I said gently, “I’m sorry. I love you guys. I loved you before you went all out to help me, to help Tor, worrying about me. I’ll always love you, no matter what happens. But can I just have an hour to try to forget? Can I just have an hour alone? And then we can all go back to worrying.”
And, for me, go back to the pain… though the pain never left.
Ever.
They all stared at me.
“Just an hour,” I whispered. “Please?”
Mom looked at Dad. Dad looked at Mom. Phoebe studied me.
Then Dad’s eyes came to me. “Fine, sweetheart, one hour. Just one.”
I slouched against the doorjamb such was my relief. “Thanks, Dad.”
He came forward, wrapped a hand around the back of my head, pulled me to him and kissed my forehead. Mom came forward, squeezed my hand and kissed my cheek. Phoebe came forward and gave me a tight hug.
Then they left and they did this without me leaving the doorway.
After I heard the door close, I stared for a long time at my kitchen which was still full of Tor’s food. I was taking my vitamins (of course I was, forcing them down for the baby) and I had been eating. I wasn’t hungry but I was pregnant so I was eating for our child. But Tor bought so fucking much food…
I closed my eyes against the memory. Then I moved to the couch, laid down, grabbed the remote, turned on my stereo and did what I’d done what had to be a million times since he was torn away from me.
I played “Crash into Me” which was already queued up and ready to go.
When it was done, I played it again.
And when it was done, I played it again.
And again.
“Baby,” I whispered to the ceiling, the tears streaming out the sides of my eyes, down my temples, drenching my hair, “come back to me. Find some way to come back to me. I swear, swear, swear, if you come back to me, I won’t ever vex you again. Never again. I won’t be overly friendly to people who are common and I won’t save half-dead birds and I won’t sneak apples to Salem in the stables… or to all the horses in the stables though I don’t think you knew I did that… and I won’t rumple children’s hair. I’ll be the perfect princess. I’ll be your perfect princess. I’ll live every second doing everything I can to make you feel nothing but happiness, to make you want to do nothing but smile your beautiful, beautiful smile. I swear. I swear,” I forced through my blocked throat. “Just come back… honey, come back and crash into me.”
My throat clogged, there came a loud banging at my door and I jumped.