“My old guild.”
“That’s right, kid, you need to get us in touch with the leader of your old guild. I know you said that you didn’t know how to go about doing this, but that was before you took into consideration the fact that you have one of the most dastardly, crafty, bastardly, sly, and handsome mitherfickers in all of Tritania in your guild. Me. I’m referring to me. If there’s a will, there’s a way, and if there’s a fickin’ goblin, there’s usually more than one way. Plus, Twixy and I have sort of become partners in crime. Ain’t that right, Twixster?”
FeeTwix considers this for a moment. Finally, he grins. “I’d say it’s not wrong.”
“Good, in my book ‘not wrong' is technically right, a phrase which will never hold up in a court of law, but that’s beside the point. So we’ll get to the Knights. No problemo. Doneski. Good.”
Ryuk rubs his hands together. “We need to be at level 15 to travel to Polynya, the next floating continent. Zaena and FeeTwix are already able to travel. I’m currently at level 13, and Hiccup is at level 12. We need to level up.”
“I’ve got this. Jim!” Hiccup barks. “We need a case of Hopkins’ Healing Nostrums. Now!”
Not two seconds later, there’s a knock at the door.
“That was fast … ” Zaena says.
“Too fast. I’ll get it.” FeeTwix’s Glock appears in his hand and he approaches the door cautiously. He presses the safety off as he asks, “Jim?”
“Here with your healing potions,” comes the reply from the other side. “Might I ask you to lower your weapon? Thank you.”
FeeTwix clicks the safety back on and stuffs his shooting iron in the back of his pants. Once he’s good and situated, he opens the door to find Jim standing behind a dolly which holds a case of healing potions.
“The potions you requested?”
“Just add the cost to our room.”
Jim nods. “Certainly, Mr. Fajer.”
“FeeTwix, call me FeeTwix,” he says as he bends over to grab the case.
“Or Twixy!” Hiccup pipes up from his seated position on the bed.
“Right, Mr. FeeTwix or Twixy, I will add the charges to the room. If you need any further assistance, please do not hesitate to ask me.” With that, Jim turns back to his clerk’s station.
“Fick yes!” Hiccup rubs his grimy paws together. He practically knocks Ryuk to the floor as he makes his way over to the case of green, grenade-shaped bottles.
“No, no, no,” says Ryuk as he places his hand on Hiccup’s shoulder, “our health is already full.”
“Marbles, don’t you fickin’ get between me and my healing potion. It’s a goblin’s Oxycontin, got that? What part of prophylaxis do you not understand? The opioid epidemic is a fickin’ crisis and shouldn’t be joked about. Don’t be an insensitive fickhole and quit bogarting the potions! Gimme, gimme, gimme!”
“At least let me set the case down first.”
FeeTwix places them on the table and Hiccup grabs the first one, pops the top, and gets to chugging. He burps, beats his chest for a moment, and continues guzzling. “Listen, Team MFers, we can’t let the fickin’ bullshit that we dealt with today affect how we handle the fickin’ bullshit we deal with tomorrow, or tonight for that matter.”
A confused look trails across his face.
“That’s right. Okay, pep talk. So let’s get to leveling, and we’ll be on the first airship out of Aramis in the morning. And seriously, let’s open up a serious can of whoop-ass the next time we see the Shinigami, Tammy, or Marble’s evil more powerful twin brother!”
“Aye, aye, aye!” Zaena shouts.
“Whoa, Liz, this isn’t a game of Boaster Toaster. Although a game of Boaster Toaster with healing potions would be a dream to play, a dream! This is a good ol’ fashioned rally the troops speech. Marbles, Twix, Liz – it’s time to quit fickin’ around!” The goblin tosses the depleted Hopkins’ brew to the floor, shattering it to pieces. “Jim! Clean up this mess, and while you’re at it, get us some quests!”
(0)__(x)
Jim stands at the door of their room with a broom and a dustpan attached to the bottom of a long sword. He twists his wrist, letting the light reflecting off the sword shine across the room.
“What’s with the swordpan?” Hiccup asks.
“It’s a reminder to you what will happen next time you decide to break something in your room and/or abuse the waitstaff.” With the click of a button on the handle, the sword separates from the swordpan. He clicks it back into place. “Need I persuade you anymore?”
“Fair enough,” Hiccup hooks a thumb at Ryuk, “but you’ve got the wrong guy. I didn’t break that shit; it was Marbles over here.”
Jim ignores Hiccup as a floating scroll appears in front of him and he reads it for a moment. He folds it up and it dematerializes. “Regarding your levels, I don’t have many options for you to partake in quest-wise.”
“That’s fine,” Ryuk says, “just tell us what you have.”
“Right. The first quest involves defending a shipment of Wizardous set to depart from the Goblin Riviera. The suggested average level is 13, and the bonuses associated with this quest are 1.5 times EXP and a 10,000 rupee bonus for its successful completion. The consequences are incarceration and the potential to make arch-nemeses. There is one more caveat to this quest: it can only be taken by three party members.”
“Fick yeah!” Hiccup counts on his fingers. “Twixy, Marbles, me. Sound about right? You got the night off, Zaena. Spend it in your Sotlian pocket spa or something.”
“Riptak jatla blanktakh boomboom morrha.”
“You already called me that!”
Jim clears his throat. “I’m not finished. There’s also a quest to slay a mysterious land dragon in the Klin mountain range that only comes out at night and has been terrorizing villages, most notably McLeod Ganj, which are situated in the range. The trolls in the Klin Mountains will also keep you busy. The suggested level for this one is level 15. There is no bonus for this quest, nor are there any EXP boosters, but you can bet you’ll get a good amount by defeating the land dragon. Not too many consequences for this one aside from sudden death.”
Zaena nods. “Not bad, gunsyakhai are incredibly difficult to kill.”
“And that’s what attacked Tamana in Tokyo, killed her.”
“So what?” Hiccup tells Ryuk. “Tammy is a turncoat-ass-bitch! You saw it yourself. I don’t want to hear anymore shit about what happened to her up in your world.”
Ryuk clenches his fists together.
“The final quest is in the Cape of Chukchis.” Jim smiles curtly. “It’s a night raid on the orc stronghold there sponsored by Bullbean Energy Drink. From the press release, I mean, quest release: Surge! Get the highest number of orc kills and win schweet schwag in the real world and Tritania! Odds of winning a Bullbean energy ring increase with each kill! The energy ring doubles your highest stat and gives you free entry to exclusive concerts and happenings across all three floating continents of Tritania!” Jim smooths his hand over the front of his tuxedo jacket. “I hope I read that right. There is one caveat to this quest: you’ll be competing against other guilds of varying levels. Last month’s winner was an RPC guild from Ultima Thule with a median level of 85.”
FeeTwix turns to the others. “Guys, let’s do the orc quest. We can get that energy ring and maybe Dory the Weaponsmith knows someone who can replicate it.”
Hiccup scoffs at the Swede’s suggestion. “What part of ‘going up against stronger guilds’ do you not understand, Twixy? We just had our asses handed to us not two hours ago! Let me frame it like this: an RPC guild from Ultima Thule vs. the Mitherfickers, a lowly guild consisting of a guy who shoots marbles and broods too much; Mr. ‘If You Got It Flaunt It’ over here who’d whore out his own offspring if he knew it had a 15% chance of a good ROI; a relatively handsome and intelligent goblin with a good head of pink hair who’s good with an ax and well-read; and the most lizardous of lizard queens.”