“I am not a queen,” Zaena says sharply, her orange eyes narrowing on Hiccup.
“Easy, princess, just trying to make a point.”
Zaena grits her teeth.
“Enough,” Ryuk says. “Let’s take the legendary creature quest. We’ll gain a ton of EXP.”
“No.” FeeTwix shakes his head. “I’ve got a better idea. You three take the Wizardous quest. I’ll log out and get some real world rest. I … ” He thinks for a moment. “I can’t remember the last time I logged out. I’ve got a custom Somnium Skip Box that also keeps my vitals level with IV infused nutrients. Point is – it’s been days.”
“What?” Zaena raises an eyebrow at him.
“I’ll explain later. You three take the first quest, win bigly, and I’ll see you guys in the morning.”
Ryuk looks to the other two. “Well? What do you guys think?”
Hiccup snaps his fingers. “Let’s do it. Maybe we can get a pinch of some of that Wizardous too, you know, to sell if we ever find ourselves in a bind.”
Quest: Will you journey to the Port of Corpses in the Goblin Riviera to defend a shipment of Wizardous?
Rewards: 1.5x EXP and a 10,000 rupee bonus upon successful completion.
Risks: You will be arrested and you may make an arch-nemesis.
Ryuk accepts the quest on behalf of the guild.
“One more thing, Jim,” Ryuk says, suddenly remembering something.
“Yes?”
“Have you ever seen one of these before?”
Ryuk equips the dragon egg they looted from the Bannon’s zombie-filled home in Kayi. With its dark purple color and a tendril of blue spiraling around it, the egg looks like it’d be right at home in an Easter celebration.
Jim raises his hand to his mouth. “Oh my! Wherever did you find this?”
“We, um, found it in Kayi.”
“Good,” Hiccup whispers a bit too loud. “Keep the alternative facts a-coming.”
Jim ignores the goblin as he approaches Ryuk. “Do you mind if I show it to some people I know?”
“We need to get it to a hatchery,” Zaena says.
Jim shakes his head. “Not necessarily, but I would like a second opinion on it.”
Ryuk hesitates for a moment, but something about the innocent look in Jim’s eyes inspires him to hand it over.
“Thank you. I promise I’ll have more information on the egg tomorrow.” With that, and with the egg carefully in his grasp, Jim exits the room.
“Now that that ficker’s gone, let’s get down to business!”
The spawning point takes shape in front of Ryuk. It starts as a golden seed, and as Thulean script twists around it, it morphs into a softball-sized sphere.
“Good luck,” FeeTwix tells the group. “I’ll see you guys here in the morning!” He grabs Zaena, kisses her, and logs out while he’s still in her arms.
Hiccup rolls his eyes. “For fick’s sake … ”
Chapter 3: Port of Corpses
Zaena brandishes her four swords made of depleted Pelosium before Ryuk’s avatar can finish materializing. “Weapons up.” She steps in front of him and scans the dark alleys before them.
Ryuk quickly loads his magazines with marbles, four black/molten mixes and one mag with sword marbles.
He pops a black molten magazine into the back of his gun.
“Something smells fishy!” Hiccup chortles. “Sorry, I crack myself up. That’s just the smell of the fisheries over there.” He uses his mechanical thumb to point to a series of buildings with corrugated roofs. “Whenever you smell that kind of stank, it can only mean one of two things. One, you know you’re in the Port of Corpses. Two–”
“–The Port of Corpses?” Ryuk asks. “I was meaning to ask about that earlier – I’ve never heard of it.”
“That’s because you don’t listen, Marbles, get woke. I’m pretty sure I’ve called it that before, and like most things, there’s another name for it. Ever heard of the Port of Protla?”
He nods.
“There’s revisionist history for you. History is written by the oppressors, am I right? Pretty sure I read that in a history book. Any-fickin’-hoo, the real name is in remembrance of the battle between the goblins and the Lost Boys, those little fickers. Lots of dead bodies fell down the continental shelf into the Endless Sea that day. Damn, were the fish down there happy.”
“Lost Boys?” Ryuk glances over his shoulder and catches a group of beefy orcs loading boxes onto a small airship.
Hiccup shakes his head. “I swear, for someone that used to be level 96 ninja, you don’t know fick all about Tritania. The Lost Boys live on the back of a giant turtle down there in the Endless Sea.”
“Bitakh Morla, the Island Turtle.”
“What Liz said.” Hiccup’s bushy eyebrows narrow on the path ahead. “Quit asking stupid questions, Marbles. Looks like we’ve got company!”
Ryuk keeps his marble gun at the ready as three cloaked commoners approach. The thought strikes him like a sucker punch. They too are on a quest, only on the opposite side – they’re out to stop the shipment of Wizardous.
A scalding blast from a female mage forces Ryuk into a backflip with a belly-flop ending.
-89 HP!
He rolls to his side and gets his marble gun up. The mage blocks all three shots with a shield made of radiant energy.
Her guildmates toss their cloaks back to reveal their faces.
Goblin Thief Level 5
HP: 213/213
ATK: 34
MATK: 12
DEF: 65
MDF: 37
LUCK: 5
Mind Mage Level 6
HP: 240/240
MANA: 201/201
ATK: 17
MATK: 56
DEF: 22
MDF: 49
LUCK: 2
Dark Elf Warrior Level 10
HP: 355/355
ATK: 147
MATK: 12
DEF: 96
MDF: 40
LUCK: 3
“Spew Gorge!?” Hiccup cries from the shadows. “What the fick are you doing on their side?”
The enemy goblin does a double take. “Hiccup?”
“Fick yeah it’s me. Getchur ass over here and I’ll give you a cut of the winnings!”
As he keeps his marble gun trained on the female mage, Ryuk tries to place where he’s heard the name Spew Gorge before. Wasn’t he Hiccup’s cousin who lost his chalupa in a game of Natty Dread?
Ryuk suddenly feels stupid for even pondering such a question.
As if to confirm Ryuk’s thought, Hiccup asks, “How’s your chalupa holding up, Spewy?”
“Don’t you talk about my chalupa, you fickin’ fick-faced fickboy!” the goblin barks.
“Fickboy? I’m older than you, Spewy, by at least fifty years. That’s fickman, you little bitch-titted ficktard and another thing … ” Hiccup grunts and lets loose a string of fick-laced cursing the likes of which Ryuk has never heard before. Finally he pauses, takes a deep breath, clears his throat, and shouts, “The goblin is mine!”