“I need an hour or so to look into things in the world up there. I also don’t want any of you to go anywhere, just for safety purposes. I will see to it that you can’t log out until I’m back.”
“Nothing will happen to us up there,” FeeTwix assures her.
“What you four now possess is sensitive information. Once I’ve logged back in, your dashboard will be restored and you’ll be free to do what you’d like.”
“Fine by me,” Ryuk says, “but I need your word that we now have a direct line to the Knights.”
“You do. In fact, if it makes you feel any better, Aiden will keep you company.”
Hiccup throws his hands up in the air and fires off a message to Ryuk about extreme vetting and how the “balaclava boy” isn’t joining the guild.
(0)__(x)
Empress Thun stands, and as quickly as she appeared, she’s gone.
The room elongates, spins, and the Mitherfickers find themselves in a bedroom with six beds and a griffin tapestry on the wall.
The room is nearly the same size as the throne room, meaning it’s just about the biggest bedroom Ryuk has ever seen. Aside from the beds, there are tables, plush sofas around a fire, and a stack of board games in front of a floor-to-ceiling bookcase.
“He’s back!” Hiccup pumps his brass fist in the air. The goblin glares at Aiden. “So it was that Sophia of yours all along that cursed us goblins. What a fickin’ hater.”
“Call her what you like, but I wouldn’t do so to her face. I’ve seen her cast Skin Crawl on someone, and trust me, you don’t want to experience that.”
“Right, I’ll be a good little ficker when she’s around. Welp. Twixy, Liz, I mean Princess, Marbles, and um, ninja man.”
“If you must call me a nickname, ‘Morning Assassin’ will do.”
Aiden snaps his fingers and his medieval ninja getup is suddenly gone, replaced by a red Hugh Hefner Robe and a pair of fuzzy slippers. His hair is suddenly slicked back, and the look on his face is as wolfish as ever. “Feel free to get comfortable; we’re in the new wing of the Knights’ guildhall, FYI,” he tells Ryuk. “Just finished it actually. Me and the Brits and a few others took care of the construction.”
Ryuk recalls the six British members of the Knights.
When not farting around, fighting, fucking, or getting arrested – a feat in itself considering the Knights’ status on the continent – the UK crew generally hung out in a little castle they constructed for themselves in the courtyard outside.
Ryuk walks to one of the windows to confirm this; sure enough, the new wing of the Knights’ guildhall is on the top floor, and below, he can make out the Brits’ castle, a blacksmith’s shop, and a pen with a single sheep inside.
Ryuk has only been to this location once or twice, as it is the Knights’ headquarters, and from what he remembers Tamana telling him, it exists in the OMIB, not exactly accessible by just any member of the guild. His branch’s guildhall was in Porthos, near the piers.
It was much, much smaller than this.
“Shit, has it been an hour yet?” Hiccup yawns. “I’m already bored.” He pulls a healing portion out of his list and chugs it. “That’s right, let’s get comfortable.”
The goblin goes with the same outfit he was wearing at the DJ Ride the Lightning concert – a pair of boy shorts, a pair of boots, and nothing else. He plops down onto a couch and a scrollazine copy of Wet Goblin Holes: Sewer Edition appears in his hands. “Nope, still bored.”
He tosses the scrollazine over his shoulder.
Ryuk sits at the table and FeeTwix comes to his side. “You holding up all right?” the Swede asks.
“I still can’t believe it’s my brother that did this,” Ryuk says, his thoughts drifting away from the real world implications of today’s discoveries and settling back in on his family drama. “And he is clearly working with the Shinigami. I mean, he was there. So he knows about this. He must! It has something to do with the woman behind the door that I saw, the serpent woman.”
Zaena sits across from Ryuk. “My brother is still missing, unfortunately.”
“I’ll bet they have him.”
“We don’t know that,” FeeTwix says.
“We need to find the serpent woman and we’ll definitely need the Knights’ help to defeat her.”
Hiccup snorts. “Marbles, you always seem to be having women problems. A word of advice from a 154-year-old goblin with a penchant for being right and a track record to prove it – get yourself an orc girlfriend. They’re the best. They’ll clean up after you, cook for you, and keep you in line.”
Aiden smirks as he moves over to Hiccup. “Down for a friendly game of Three Cards?” he asks. “I’ve gotten hooked on it lately.”
“What’s at stake?”
“Five hundred rupees to start.”
“Pfft. I wipe my ass with five hundred rupees. You see the Swede over there? That Mitherficker is loaded, and you see the emo snowflake with black hair in his face? That dude promised me six percent of all the loot we find. So if you want to play with Uncle Goblin, raise the stakes. I’m no cheap ficker.”
“Two percent, net,” Ryuk sighs.
“Three percent, gross.”
“Fine.”
“Fick yeah!”
Ryuk returns his focus to FeeTwix and Zaena. “I’m trying to put all this together, and while a picture is forming, it’s just not … not clear like it should be.”
“Do you have a rivalry with your brother?” Zaena asks. “Maybe this is why he has come here and taken a copycat avatar.”
“I don’t know why he’d come here and take the same avatar as me or why he’d … ” Ryuk gulps. “I don’t know why he’d take Tamana.”
“Tammy made a choice, and we’ll keep killin’ her dead until she ficks off for good,” Hiccup says. “Now fick, stop distracting me, we’re negotiating terms here.” The goblin narrows his eyes at Aiden and says, “All right, ninja warrior, howzabout five thousand rupees on your end, and a case of Hopkins’ on my end to start? Twixy over there owes me a case.”
“I do not owe you a case. You didn’t behave, so no case.”
“Fick. Can I borrow five thousand rupees then?”
Ryuk looks to FeeTwix “You’re in charge of the finances.”
“Fine, five thousand, but nothing more than that. And start with smaller bets so you don’t lose it all at the get-go. Sorry, go on, Ryuk.”
Ryuk drums his fingers against the table. “I just don’t get it. I don’t understand why my brother is doing this.”
“All of this will make more sense in the coming days,” Zaena says. “For now, let’s relax a bit. I believe there is food and beverages available.”
“Sure are.” Aiden says as he moves a card table between Hiccup and him.
The door swings open and two faeries zip into the room. “Dragon wings,” the goblin says before the faerie can ask what he’d like. “Lemon pepper, demon berry, and fried griffin eggs if you got it.”
“And you for, Aiden?” the faery asks.
“Horse Piss and pancakes.”
“Pancakes?” Hiccup asks. “Go on … ”
“Something a buddy of mine used to eat every morning for two subjective years. Good stuff.”
The goblin licks his lips. “I’m down.”
“Two orders of pancakes,” he tells the faery.
Zaena places an order in Thulean and FeeTwix orders a horse piss. “What about you, Ryuk? What do you want? Shit! It’s been an hour since I did an ad read.” His eyes flash black and his mirror appears in his hand. “WalMacy’s sale-o-rama, people! Sorry, it has been a fickin’ – ha! Hiccup’s word – long day but that doesn’t mean your local WalMacy’s isn’t open and ready to sell you anything you need. You won’t believe how much they’ve rolled back prices! Okay, people, listen in close … ”
“Sorry about this guy,” Hiccup groans to Aiden, “he’s a real huckster.”
FeeTwix brings the mirror even closer to his face as he whispers, “Super super super SUPER FLASH SALE! Mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout and save 2% on your purchases for an entire year! Next twenty minutes only, guys. Terms and conditions apply. See store for details. Offer only valid in the United States and any of its territorial holdings. Whew! It’s a deal, people! Ryuk will have a pint of Piss,” he tells the faery waitress point blank.