I took Shawn’s hand.
CHAPTER 7
Josh
“It’s completely last minute, but can you make it?”
Andrew Estevez’s question startled me. My mind had flown back to Kansas City and Cassie’s ’I love you.’ Two weeks ago.
“Joshua?” The Senator put his glass of mineral water back on the table. At the end of my second week, he’d taken me out for an early dinner. He didn’t do that for every junior staff member.
“Yes, Sir. My apologies. I appreciate your offer.” Still, I couldn’t bring myself to answer. The sudden European trip overlapped the weekend Cassie was supposed to visit me. The weekend we were supposed to go house-hunting.
“Joshua?” Peter Swift, the Deputy Chief of Staff, made sure my hesitation had been duly noted. The guy had to have been gutted he wasn’t the only one offered the opportunity. He’d been Estevez’s pet since graduation from Harvard five years ago.
“Of course, I’ll be there. I’m honored you’re asking me to join you.”
Senator Estevez was a member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. The primary reason I’d been asked to join his staff was my Oxford Rhodes Scholarship and my Masters in Foreign Service from Georgetown. Still, being asked to come with him was a big deal.
“Good. It’s settled then. I’ll be speaking at The Oxford Union. I want you to give me the inside track on what to expect.” Senator Estevez winked and took another bite of his cheeseburger. We were at The Bite, a joint Downtown where prominent D.C. people pretended to slum it. “And please, Josh, call me Andy.”
“Thank you, Andy.” I finished my own burger, which tasted nothing like the ones I grilled back at Mr. Guidi’s. Cassie would be in Seattle tonight. I hoped she was enjoying the cross-country tour. I only wished I could be with her.
An hour later, and after a stop in a bar for a night cap, Peter got into a cab and Andy got into his chauffeured car. I started to walk to the next metro station. I knew D.C. pretty well from the Georgetown years, but this was my first time there as a proper adult.
It’d been a busy week, but I couldn’t bring myself to go back to the apartment where I was staying just yet. I needed some fresh air, or as fresh as Downtown D.C. could offer. I also needed to give my brain a break after the last two weeks of hand-shaking, fake-smiling, and speech-writing. Plus, the night was hot and sticky and, while most people hid in air-conditioned rooms, I loved the warmth.
So I started out on my own personal tourist trail. First I headed toward the Capitol Building. All the neighboring buildings looked overwhelmed by the imposing dome. I knew how they felt. My life back in Kansas hadn’t prepared me for this world, but the four years I’d spent hobnobbing with Lenor’s family had at least given me a hint of what was to come.
Was it fair to ask Cassie and Lucas to follow me here?
Working on the Hill had been my goal since my second year at Georgetown. But being a junior staffer for an up-and-coming senator wouldn’t fit well with being a father to a five-year-old. The long hours wouldn’t leave me with much family time. I chased those thoughts away and passed the Supreme Court, then the Library of Congress.
I was seven the first time I’d come to D.C. My father had brought me for the Memorial Day weekend. We’d visited Arlington Cemetery and I could still see the sea of flags that decorated the graves that day. That was when I’d decided that, one day, I’d do something for my country too. Kids have big dreams, or so should they.
After Arlington, my dad and I had continued on to The Mall and ended at the Lincoln Memorial. That was where I wanted to be tonight. Not because of any precious memories I had of my beloved father, but because I wanted to feel like the boy I had once been. A boy not much older than my own son was now.
I strode along Constitution Avenue and reached the Reflection Pool. Behind me, Lincoln gazed down. As I sat on a bench, my feet were throbbing: I’d walked too far in my stiff business shoes. My cell vibrated in my suit pocket. For the beat of a second, my heartbeat quickened in the hope it was Cassie. But she would be on stage about now.
“Darling! I hope it’s not too late.”
“Mom! It’s always the right time for you.”
She giggled and I enjoyed hearing the youthful echo of her laugh. I’d rarely heard that over the last decade and I hadn’t even noticed it was missing.
“I’m just your mother, sweetie. Now that you have a wife, I should take a back seat.”
“Even if I were the worst son in the whole world, I doubt my wife would let me leave you by the wayside. Cass is your biggest fan.”
“What can I say? That’s my reward for baking her apple pie every Sunday for ten years.”
I smiled, but the line went mute. “Has he moved out?”
“Yesterday.”
My father didn’t deserve her, had never deserved her. “Was he sober?”
“We did it in the morning. He was too hung-over to be his usual aggressive self, which was a relief.”
I shook my head and my hand curled into a fist. “I hate him.” I hated him for treating my mom like shit for years. I hated him for manipulating Cassie into giving up our son behind my back.
“Don’t. Please, don’t waste your time on him. Don’t let what he did to me, you or Cassie spoil all the good coming your way.”
I wished I could be that mature. I clearly wasn’t, but I wasn’t going to let my mother down, so I moved on. “Thanks again for lending me the money for the attorney. Give me two months and I’ll start paying you back. I promise.”
“I don’t want to see that money back. I gave it to you, Joshua.”
“We’ll need cash to pay for the deposit on our apartment. So that’s where my first pay check will go.”
“Josh!”
“Mom, I really appreciate you helping me, but I want to cover the legal costs for the adoption. It won’t make up for being out of his life for six years, but….” I let my sentence hang.
My mother and I were masters of the stretched silences. It never felt awkward between us. She finally gave in. “You do what you have to. You’re his father.”
“I don’t really know where to start. If only there was a user guide or something. I mean, how do I become a father? His dad.”
I’d finally asked the question I’d been dying to ask from the moment I’d told Cassie I was all-in.
“You’re already his father,” my mom whispered.
I chuckled. “Your love for me blinds you. I didn’t make Lucas laugh once when he was with me two weeks ago. I tried but it was all awkward. That’s how a first date must feel like. I don’t remember ever being that self-conscious.”
“You have to let it happen. Don’t force anything, darling.”
I bent over and rested my elbows on my thighs. I let out a heavy breath. “I’ll try.”
“I should let you go. It’s late.”
I wasn’t tired, but I heard the strain in her voice. “I wish I could be there for you. I’m letting you down.”
“Now stop being silly, Joshua MacBride. Knowing you’re out there making a life for yourself, that’s what keeps me going. That and knowing I’ll meet my grandson soon.”
Mom phone-kissed me and for a moment I was six years old. After I hung up, I kept staring at the lights that sparkled against the Reflection Pool. I lost track of time and I let my mind go on stand-by. The break was welcome. When I finally made a move, it was ten p.m. I hailed a cab and resigned myself to a hefty cab fare all the way back to Alexandria. The subway would take ages.
I was staying at my friend’s condo. Jack and I had met in our junior year at Georgetown. The guy was low-maintenance and, as a corporate lawyer, he was home even less than I was. I climbed the stairs to the apartment building and entered the elevator. When I made it to my floor, voices and laughter filtered through the door. Jack had visitors? Judging by the high-pitched giggle, one of them was a girl. Good for him! I made my way inside, loosening my tie as I went. Maybe I could slip past quickly. The last thing I needed tonight was any more socializing.