“Good job. Let’s see if we can get a strike.”
“Or you can take me home now and do what you promised…”
* * *
Sheldon told her parents that she would be sleeping over with a friend so we headed straight to Keiran and Keenan’s house. I didn’t know how comfortable I was yet sleeping over at Keiran’s house but he didn’t give me much choice after I gave him the green light to take me home.
Thinking about how Keiran hunted down Sheldon and Keenan from their dark corner and practically threw our shoes at the poor cashier before hauling ass out of the alley brought a smile to my face.
We entered the house and I noticed once again that their uncle wasn’t home. I tried not to judge, thinking about how often Aunt Carissa was on the road because of her career. I didn’t know their story so it wasn’t my place to form an opinion.
Keiran seemed indifferent to his uncle’s absence but I noticed how Keenan would discreetly look around before disappointment shadowed his features. He never let it show for long though. As quickly as it would come, it was gone again.
I knew how it felt to wonder if your parents loved you or not. At least he knew where his was…or if they were even alive and didn’t abandon you… I shook off the thought and turned to Keiran who was watching me.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Why do you always want to know what I’m thinking?”
“Because you’re still hiding.”
Was that what I was doing? A part of me still believed that this was a cruel joke and he still hated me. Ten years of fear doesn’t just fade away does it?
“So are you.” It was the only thing I could think of to take the heat off me.
“Maybe. But not because I don’t trust you.” His tone was accusatory. “But because I think it will keep you safe.”
“From what?”
“Me.” His expression was pained. I definitely needed answers.
“Did I ask you to protect me?”
“It kind of comes with the package.” His lips curled in a sneer and I could tell he was pissed.
“Well I did pretty well when you were the threat. Maybe you still are…”
“You’ll find out if I’m still a threat as soon as you get your ass in my bed.”
“Is that all you care about?” I asked, feigning anger.
“At the moment.”
“You can be such an asshole.” I moved to sit on the couch and got comfortable. I wanted to remain in the living for as long as possible to keep us on equal grounds. As soon as he gets me into his bedroom I knew all bets were off.
“What the fuck do you want from me, Lake? I’m trying.”
“I never asked you to!” I screamed the words before I could catch them. When had we started to argue?
“And I’ll never give you a choice!” he roared back. He was standing on the other side of the room but I felt his anger as if he was standing right in front of me. “You keep fighting this. Fighting me. Why?” His voice was guttural and pained. I wanted nothing more than to give him what he wanted but I couldn’t. I was still holding on.
“Because I don’t believe in happy-ever-after, Keiran. You took that away from me a long time ago. How am I supposed to forgive you if I don’t even know why?” My voice broke at the last.
I lifted my head and saw him turn away from me to face the wall. His hands gripped the built-in bookcase as his back tightened with tension.
“Keiran, please –”
“I was going to the court to play basketball, just like every day. I didn’t intend to like the game. I just wanted to embrace the one thing I was good at besides what I was taught to do. I would even sneak out in the middle of the night to play so I wouldn’t have to sleep. John finally caught me one night, so he put up the hoop in the back. It didn’t stop me from leaving, though because I wasn’t willing to accept anything from him. I didn’t want to have to say thank you because what the hell would I have to be thankful for? Eventually the nightmares stopped and I could sleep again…until you came along.”
He gripped the mantle once before letting go to face me. His eyes were burning bright with silent fury.
“You looked so innocent that day. So sweet and nurtured like you never had a bad day or did a bad thing. You reminded me of everything I was and what I wasn’t. That night I had nightmares again for the first time in weeks. But this time was different. It was you in my nightmare now, not her or any of them. I told myself that none of it was real anymore and that I wouldn’t hurt you or anyone. I didn’t want to be a bad person.” He released a dry laugh and rubbed the back of his neck. “I knew then that she got to me.”
I desperately wanted to ask about this mystery “her”. Had she been a girl or a woman?
“I wasn’t prepared to see you again. I thought—I hoped, that maybe you were just passing through but then I saw you again on the playground. You were going to save Buddy when no one else would. Not even his sister would try.” He swallowed hard and took a deep breath, averting his eyes.
“There is nothing more in this world that I hate than a hero…” his gaze caught mine once more as he said, “not even you.”.
“Is that why you pushed me?”
“When I tried to stop and you wouldn’t listen, I wanted to punish you. After I pushed you, I realized I could hurt you and that I would never be good and I hated you for it. I didn’t expect you to stay. I thought again that you would go away but you never did and I was stuck with the constant reminder of who I was every time I saw you. No one could make me feel that way but you so I tried to break you. I guess it backfired because as we grew older I began to want something different from you and suddenly making you cry wasn't nearly enough. I knew I couldn’t have you because you weren’t meant for someone like me and that pissed me off.”
My mind was raced with questions. I didn’t know whether to be mad at him or sad for him. No child should have those types of thoughts or think of themselves that way, especially at that age when your childhood is so crucial to your future as an adult.
“Say something,” he demanded.
“Who was she?”
‘What?” His eyes shifted away and his face paled.
“You said you had nightmares again but about me and not her. Who was she?”
He took a deep breath and ran his hand down his face. “She was someone who didn’t deserve what happened to her.”
“Was?”
“She’s dead.”
“The girl in the picture,” I said. He nodded as I stood up and walked over to him but he took a step back, retreating from me until his back hit the bookcase. I took his face into my hands and kissed his lips softly before gazing into his eyes. I saw heat and emotion flash in his eyes and felt his body shift toward me.
That’s good baby. Stay with me.
I wanted to ask him about his nightmares but decided against it. I didn’t want to risk it. His moods shifted around like a ticking clock except no one would know what came next.
“When did you first see me?”
“At Pies, Shakes, and Things, two days before the playground. I was riding by on my bike and saw you on the other side of the sidewalk with your Aunt. It was your voice that caught my attention. You were singing along to Sweetest Thing by U2. I sat there on my bike and listened to you try to hit every high note. It was the first time I could remember smiling ever. I didn’t see you for long because you went into the shop. I wanted to follow you in. I almost did.”
I remembered that day clearer than I’d remembered any day. I was feeling sad over being separated from my parents for the first time so my aunt took us out to get ice cream to cheer me up. I heard the song come over the radio when we arrived. It had been my favorite song so my aunt turned up the radio and I hopped out of the car to dance along to the song. I was so caught up in forgetting I was sad that I didn’t realize I was being watched.
“What was her name?” I asked. He swallowed hard and shook his head but I gripped his face tighter. “It’s okay, Keiran. Tell me. Please, I need to know.