She’s quiet for a few moments, her eyes not focusing on anything in particular. I hope her self-reflection is going well.
“Are you fucking someone else?”
Kathryn’s red in the face, that rosy hue nothing in comparison to the red beaded flowers blooming behind her. I’m so taken in by this image that I barely hear what she says.
“No.” The hardest thing in the world right now is keeping my voice steady. “You’re the only one I’m seeing.”
Derision flows through her flared nostrils. “I don’t believe you.”
“What? Why?”
She shakes her head, that wavy blond hair snaking through the air. “It’s not that I think you’re lying. It’s me having to keep my guard up so I don’t…”
“Don’t what?”
I catch a glimpse of her stone-cold façade crumbling. “Don’t fall in love with you.”
I’m tired of these silences, and yet it’s like we can’t avoid them. Especially after Katie says something like that. “You’re falling in love with me?”
“For God’s sake.” Kathryn turns away again with a click in her throat. “Yes, yes Ian. I hate every second I spend falling in love with you. For every moment I feel your affection and what you do to me, I see who you really are and want to die.”
“Who am I? Really?” This should be good.
Kathryn still won’t let me touch her. Not that I blame her. “You heard what I said in there. You’re a playboy. You have no interest in a serious relationship with anyone, least of all me.” Before I question that as well, she laughs and says, “A Domme. Could you really see yourself spending the rest of your life with a Domme? The other night doesn’t count. You’re not going to be interested in that often enough to keep me happy.”
She steps away from the window and passes me. I want to reach out and caress her arm. Hold her hand. Hold her to me. Except I don’t dare.
“Why do we have to think about the rest of our lives?”
I instantly feel like an idiot when she looks at me with nothing but pity. “I always have to think about the rest of my life, Ian. If I don’t stay one step ahead, I fall back ten more. A man who doesn’t have what will really make me happy in mind?” She shrugs. “He’s a waste of my time. I don’t care how good the sex is. You can’t expect me to live on your whims 24/7.”
“I don’t…”
“You do.” She’s in my face, calm, but too cool for me to speak to. “It’s always about what Ian Mathers wants. You want to have sex? We get to have sex. You want to dominate me? Those are your terms, fine. You want me to put on a lesbian BDSM show? Sure! Yet if I asked for any of that? You would run.”
I don’t say anything.
“I’m not a woman who can be bossed around every day of her life. The first thing you did in there was make sure everyone at the table knew that I was nothing more than a casual fuck to you. You said that in front of my father.”
Wincing, I apologize.
“Sorry tires me right now. I dunno, maybe I need to cool off, but I’m dangerously close to making a huge mistake with you, and that’s the last thing I want. We’re working together. Perhaps it’s best we drop whatever we have going on and go back to normal. Excuse me.”
She pushes past me and leaves the room. I don’t know where she goes. I’m frozen in place, looking at the spot where she stood a minute before.
There is no going back to normal.
Normal was not having her, even though I so desperately wanted her.
I’ve been carrying my secret for too long now. A few days, sure, but it’s a few days of knowledge torturing my heart, my mind, and my weary soul. You see, I’ve never been in love before. I wasn’t entirely sure I was, since the only times I thought “I think I love Kathryn” happened during sex, and that’s never a good indicator of anything.
But the moment she walks out that door, I feel an emptiness I was not familiar with.
This isn’t like the other times we parted, with hopes of seeing one another in an intimate way again. Those separations were bearable.
This…
This emptiness says I’m in love.
Kathryn thinks she’s in danger of falling in love with me?
I’m past danger. I’m mired in a hell gnawing away at my tendons and making me want to throw up the bile sitting in this emptiness I feel.
Fucked up. That’s what I did. I’ve fucked up big, and now I have to face my family and a woman who won’t stop haunting me ever since that unfortunate night I first realized I’m attracted to Kathryn. Ha. More than attracted. I’m pathetic.
Chapter 23
KATHRYN
Sometimes a girl has to wrap herself up in bed for a day and hope the world doesn’t bother her. I’m not even answering my door, and I think I’ve missed a package or two. Who cares? I’ve got better things to do, like watch TV from my bed and feel sorry for myself.
Stupid. I was so stupid to entertain the idea that Ian cares more about me than what he could get from my cunt. I bet he enjoyed taking someone like me and turning her into a sub for a round or two. Not many men get to say they tamed a Domme and got to come on her face.
Blah. Kill me.
The only person to see me in this state today is Anita, who has a key and comes and goes with food. What else is she supposed to do? I had errands to run and it’s not a scheduled day off for her. Might as well keep her busy while I waste away like a mob of heartbroken…
Ah, fuck no! I refuse to label myself as heartbroken!
“The doorman signed for these and asked that I bring them up to you.” Anita shuffles into my room and leaves two small packages on my dresser. I see cat food in her hand… almost forgot about the kitten sleeping in the other room. Would be nice if Sinéad joined me in my bed, but I doubt that’s going to happen. “Is there anything else you need from me? It’s almost dinner. I could get you take-out.”
I wave a lazy hand at her. “I’ve got leftovers. Pizza. Half a carton of Chinese food. I haven’t been in the mood to cook lately.”
Anita nods, but does not hurry to leave. It’s not only curiosity on her face. It’s genuine concern. That would be sweet, except I’m not in the mood to deal with someone’s concern.
“Well, if that’s all you need…”
“Go home, Anita. If I suddenly decide I need something that badly, I have your number.” I won’t need something that badly.
She takes her leave with barely a goodbye. Suits me fine. I like Anita. She’s a good assistant, but I’ve never seen her as a friend. Our relationship is strictly professional.
Unlike my relationship with Ian.
Groaning, I hide beneath my covers and try not to think of the bastard. I still can’t believe he said those awful things in front of our parents! Then he had the balls to follow me out and ask why I was upset? Most of all, I can’t believe I basically told him that I’m falling in love – with him. Of all people.
He’s so fucking clueless. I was so fed up with him yesterday that I got a ride home with my dad. That was one silent, awkward drive back into the city, let me tell you.
Sometimes I wish my mother were better at being a mother. That she was here, or at least nearby, and available to help me through these issues. Sure, I could call her. Then we run into the problem of her being terrible at the advice and comfort thing. I got used to it long ago. Yet when shit like this happens I could really use an experienced heart that is full of unconditional love.
I’m a billionaire, and I can’t even buy that.
Speaking of, don’t get me started on the presence of Hollywood starlet Stephanie. The only thing my father and I could talk about on the drive into town was Dominic Mathers waltzing in with not only a very young woman, but a woman his son had dated. I was hesitant to say that Ian and Stephanie had sex – so I heard through the grapevine, of course – but Dad eventually got it out of me. Once that tidbit hit his ears, he made a sour face that said Dominic thought more with his dick than his head.