“What are you talking about?” Careful, Stephanie, Ian might bite. “Nobody cares what the hell I do in my private time.”
“No, perhaps they don’t care about you.” When Stephanie looks at me, I’m almost convinced she’s going to punch between my ribs and rip out of my heart. “They might want to know about her, though.”
I grit my teeth.
Once again I am taken back to my scene with Ian, where he made me confess my worries and insecurities. This would be another one… having the whole world know about my love for kink. Not solely domination. If word got out in our broader social circles that I was now subbing? Never. I would never be taken seriously again. By anyone.
Kinky people would understand better than the non-kinksters, but the few other Dommes I know would consider me a traitor. Probably. If I am to eventually debut as a switch in my relationship with Ian, then it has to be done tastefully. Having someone like Stephanie leak it to the local press? I would rather die.
I hear a click. Stephanie puts her phone away. I realize what she’s done.
Taken a picture of me. Like this.
“None of this is necessary.” Ian steps between her and me, as if he could block what everyone sees in that picture. “Neither Kathryn nor I have anything to hide. You are done here. You need to leave.”
Stephanie trudges to the door, taking a long, hard look at me with a smirk to rival one of Ian’s. It’s as if she’s saying, “You know what you have to lose. We’re both women. We understand.”
Yeah, I understand.
Stephanie leaves, with her evidence of me in a compromising position. Ian acts as if it’s nothing when he tries to plant a kiss on my cheek.
I step back.
“Katie, don’t listen to her.” He follows me into the bedroom, sidestepping the cat who has decided to come out and roll around our feet. “She’s clearly a mess. Even if people believed her, so what? It’s not worth paying her off.”
“Especially since she’s dating your dad now, right?”
He closes the bedroom door behind him. “That’s not the point. Well, I mean, that’s a problem, but I doubt it’s going to last for long. Not after I tell him what she’s done here.”
“Oh my God, Ian…” Him? Tell his father what we’re up to in the bedroom and why that’s something someone would find blackmail worthy? I don’t think so! “You don’t get it. I could lose… I don’t know how much. If I turn up on Page 6 with all my kinks listed, nobody would work with me again!”
He puts his hands on my shoulders and looks me right in the eye. I wish I could say I feel safe here, but… “Nobody’s going to find out. Even if they did? I would make their lives a living hell. It’s the least I could do.”
“I don’t know what you did to that woman, but I wish you hadn’t.”
He steps back. “What makes you think I did something?”
“Maybe. I dunno. I mean…” How can I make Ian understand where I’m coming from? Inside me is a battle between kissing him and pushing him away. I don’t doubt this man’s sincerity, but I do judge his ability to understand me. “It seems like the deeper we go into this relationship, the more I have to compromise my identity.”
Waiting, I expect him to say something along the lines of, “You never have to do that.” Instead, what I get is, “I love you.”
This is it. The moment Ian Mathers confesses his feelings to me… I can’t bring myself to accept them. As nice as it is to hear those words, they aren’t what I need to hear.
I need to hear him say that everything will be okay. That we’ll be okay.
As long as this relationship continues, I will push my boundaries and take risks that I never anticipated before. What has he done? What compromise is he making for me? So far, all I’ve done is change every fucking part of who I am.
A relationship like this can’t be sustained.
I can’t keep falling down this rabbit hole and not expect to explode.
Now the man says he loves me? He wants to kiss me and lure me back to bed as if nothing happened? Has happened?
What have I gotten myself into?
I need to find Stephanie. I need to set this straight and… pay her, if I have to. Not like I don’t have the money.
I also need to find a backbone. Because Ian has me in his bed, his lips on mine and my hands pulling him out of his clothes. “I love you,” he says once more, before pinning me to his bed and kissing me. He waits for me to reply, but I can’t.
I’m frozen to reality. The reality he tried to help me escape from.
A reality where I’m broken with no way to be fixed. Only cracked further until the Kathryn Alison I knew is no more. What was once a liberating thought is simply terrifying, and I don’t know what to do.
I can’t fight this anymore.
To be CONCLUDED in Part 3, SAVE US, coming November 16th!
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