“I’m not,” said John.
But it was clear that he was.
“You were hoping Max would be something like our savior. I mean, you and I talked about it enough. You can’t pretend that isn’t the case.”
“OK,” snapped John. “So what if it was?”
Cynthia glanced at John. She’d rarely seen him like this, so upset and angry. She’d touched a nerve. Together, they’d been through countless trials, many near-death situations. There’d been many times where they’d thought they’d never make it out alive. And yet, she’d never seen this anger in him before. Not like this. It was different. More personal.
Cynthia had the instinct to back off of the topic, to let sleeping dogs lie. But, for some reason, she continued. “I just don’t get what you’re upset about. Max is great. I mean, without him, we’d definitely be dead.”
“Oh, is that so?” said John. “Well you don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t have any idea.”
He spoke to her in angry, aggressive tones, and his eyes glared at her.
Cynthia shivered, recoiling from the expression his face.
“What’s gotten into you?” she said.
“Nothing. Nothing’s gotten into me. I’m fine.”
But he was visibly angry. His body was quivering, almost shaking with anger.
“If this is all about Max, then I think the best thing to do is…”
“Just shut up, would you?” snapped John.
It had come on all of a sudden, this mood, and it surprised Cynthia. She’d thought she’d known John. She’d thought what they’d been through together had let her know him as well as anyone could. But there were always dark parts of a person, things that rarely revealed themselves. And when they did, they were shocking.
“I’ve never seen you like this,” said Cynthia. “Why don’t you take a couple deep breaths. You need to calm down.”
“I don’t need to do anything!” shouted John, screaming right in her face.
“What the hell?” said Cynthia. “Don’t scream at me, damnit.”
“Why don’t you just head back to camp?” said John, his eyes burning with anger. “I can do this on my own. I don’t need you, or anyone else. I don’t need Max.”
“Look, I’m sorry, I guess I touched some nerve about your childhood… I thought…”
“You’ve said all you need to. I’m doing this alone.”
John picked up his pace, nearly breaking into a run.
Cynthia tried to keep up, but his legs were longer than hers. And she was already having trouble walking through the snow.
“John, wait up!”
John didn’t look back. He was already many paces ahead of her.
“We’re supposed to go together! There are dangerous people out here!”
“There’s no one out here,” shouted John, without turning around.
It was the last thing he said to her.
She couldn’t keep up. Her legs were already burning, trying to run through the snow. The rifle felt heavy in her hands, impossibly heavy.
It wasn’t just the physical sensation that slowed her down. It was the knowledge that since she’d known John, he’d never once abandoned her. It wasn’t like him to leave her on her own out in the woods, out in the dangerous wilds, where anyone could come along at any moment.
She was all alone. John had disappeared into the trees.
“Shit,” muttered Cynthia, sitting down in the snow.
It had all happened so fast. She felt hurt and betrayed. John had never run off like that before, leaving her there on her own. Not if he could help it. No, before he’d done everything in his power to be there for her, to protect her as best he could, even when they were compete strangers and he’d had no reason to.
It was that childhood stuff. Old wounds and all that. Maybe he had his reason to be upset.
But he should be upset with Max, not Cynthia. She didn’t have anything to do with it. And even on the Max front, it didn’t really make sense. From what Cynthia could tell, Max was a good guy. He was always helping the rest of them. He was always going out of his way to push himself trying to protect the others. And for what? For nothing. He didn’t ask for anything in return, except that the others be vigilant and cautious. Not to mention smart about what they were doing.
Max certainly wouldn’t have approved of John going off on his own, leaving Cynthia there.
An eerie feeling crept over Cynthia. She looked around at the snow and the snow-covered trees, shivering in the cold, and realized quite viscerally that she was completely alone.
Or so she hoped.
Max had been convinced there were others out there. John didn’t think so, but maybe whatever problem he had with his brother was blinding him to the truth.
Cynthia felt not just alone, but exposed. Despite all her practice with firearms, she didn’t feel confident. Sure, she’d fought before. She’d survived. But that was then. Each new situation brought new dangers.
What was she supposed to do? Should she head back to camp, finding protection among the others there?
But what about John? He was out on his own, apparently confident that there was no danger now, that everything was fine.
It just didn’t make sense. If there was anything John and Cynthia had learned together, it was that nothing was ever fine, and that new dangers lurked around every corner, every tree. Each passing minute and hour had always, so far, meant new threats on their life.
John might need her. Cynthia wasn’t mad at him. Sure, he’d blown up at her. But that could be forgiven. She had to remember all the other times, the times he’d saved her from certain death, the times he’d been kind to her when he hadn’t needed to. These were stressful situations of the worst kind. People could be excused for having a blow up now and again.
But what couldn’t be forgiven was leaving her. Striking out on his own. Potentially it meant as much danger as it did for her as it did for him.
Cynthia made her up her mind. She wasn’t going to leave John out there on his own. He couldn’t keep up that pace for long, running through the snow like that. He’d have to slow down.
All she had to do was follow his tracks.
Cynthia stood up, took a deep breath, and headed in the direction John had disappeared in.
27
“Do you think this is ever going to end, Mom?” said Sadie.
“What’s going to end?”
“All this. The violence. Everything that’s happened…” Sadie didn’t quite know how to express what she was trying to say. It felt like they had been going and going, with hardly any breaks, any time to think. This was one of the few moments of peace they’d had over the last weeks.
And it wasn’t even really peace. After all, Jake and Rose were missing. Max and the others were out looking for them. Max was convinced there were other bad guys out there. And if Sadie had learned anything since the EMP, it was that Max was often right. Not always. But a lot of the time.
Her mother was silent for a long time, continuing to scan the surroundings, her rifle by her side.
“I don’t know how to explain it,” continued Sadie. “I feel like I should have learned this in English class or something. But I don’t…”
“Sadie,” said her mother, speaking slowly and with sadness in her voice. “This is too much for someone your age to have to go through. It’s not surprising that you don’t have the words to say what you’re trying to say.”
Sadie thought for a moment, then said, “I don’t think anyone should have to go through this. No matter how old.”
Her mother chuckled. “Maybe you’re right, Sadie. But I guess this is what we get.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I don’t know if we deserve it. I wouldn’t go that far. But our whole society… it was foolish in a lot of ways.”