Not one day went by when she didn’t think of them and what might have been.
Meg had stayed home to be with her daughter on what was to be their last night together for several months. This summer, Laura had saved up for this gap-year backpacking trip, with her best friend, before she went off to study Veterinary Science at the University of Edinburgh.
Nick, who had worked for the same company as Meg, had often jokily discussed with her what life would be like one day as empty-nesters when Will and Laura eventually left home. A positive man, they’d made all kinds of plans — perhaps to take a gap year themselves, which neither of them had done in their teens — and head off to travel Europe, and maybe beyond, in their beloved Bessie.
Laura was a good kid — no, correct that, she thought — a great kid. One of the many things she loved about her bright, sparky daughter was the way she cared about animals. Meg was charged now with looking after Laura’s precious pet guinea pig, Horace, and her two gerbils, as well as her imperious Burmese cat, Daphne.
When she came back home tonight to their small, pretty, mock-Tudor semi close to Hove seafront, Meg was painfully aware she would be truly alone. Home to a new reality. A real lengthy period alone. And when Laura returned from her gap year, she’d then be getting ready to move to university. No more music blasting from Laura’s bedroom. No more questions on homework to help her daughter with. No more running commentaries on who was going out with who, or the geeky boy who had been trying to chat her up. A big, lonely, empty nest.
God, she loved her daughter so much. Laura was smart, fun and incredibly streetwise. Above all, Meg always knew she could trust her to take care of herself when she went out into town with her friends. Every night, apart from when she had to spend time away from home, travelling on business, they would sit down and have supper together and share their days.
But not any more. Tonight, she’d be alone with her memories. With Laura’s beloved pets — hoping and praying none would die while she was away — and with the photographs around the house of Nick and Will with her and Laura when they were a family of four. You have children? people would ask. Meg would reply, ‘I have two.’ It wasn’t true, but she did, back then.
‘I am a mother of two children, and I am a wife. But my son and my husband are dead.’ She never found those conversations any easier.
And to add to her concerns, her employer for the past twenty-odd years, ever since she had left uni, would be moving next year from nearby Horsham just forty minutes’ drive from here, up to Bedfordshire — a two-and-a-half-hour grind. No date had been fixed yet but, when the time came, she would have to make the choice either to stay on or take the redundancy package on offer.
Meg showered, got herself ready then went down into the kitchen to make some breakfast and a strong coffee. Daphne meowed, whingeing for her breakfast. She opened a tin and the cat jumped up onto the work surface, barged her arm and began eating, though she had barely started scooping the fishy contents out. ‘Greedy guts!’ Meg chided, setting the bowl on the floor. The cat jumped down and began to scoff the food as if she hadn’t been fed for a month.
Moments after Meg sat at the table, beneath a large framed photograph on the wall of Colin’s Brother passing the finishing post at Plumpton Racecourse half a length ahead of the next horse, she heard soft footsteps behind her and felt Laura’s arms around her. Laura’s face close against hers, wet with tears. Hugging her. She ignored the five earrings cutting into her cheek.
‘I’m going to miss you so much, Mum.’
‘Not as much as I’m going to miss you.’ Meg turned and gripped both of her daughter’s hands. Laura’s dark hair was styled in a chic but strange way that made her think of garden topiary. She had a scrunchie on one wrist and a Fitbit on the other and was dressed in striped paper-bag trousers and a white T-shirt printed with the words, in an old-fashioned typeface, YOU MAKE ME WONDER.
Meg smiled through her own tears and pointed at it. ‘That’s for sure!’
Her daughter had changed so much in these past few years. And recently seemed to be changing week on week with new piercings appearing. From nothing a year ago, she now had, in addition to her ears, a nose ring and a tongue stud, and, horror of horrors, she’d had her first tattoo just this past weekend — a small hieroglyphic on her shoulder which Laura said was an ancient Tibetan symbol for protecting travellers. Meg could hardly argue with that.
Laura’s expression suddenly darkened as her eyes darted to the right. Freeing her hands, she pointed at a pile of plastic carrier bags. ‘Mum, what are those?’ she chided.
Meg shrugged. ‘I’m afraid I’m not Superwoman, I forget things sometimes, OK?’
Laura shook her head at her. ‘OK, right, we’re meant to be saving the planet. What if everyone forgot to take their own bags to the supermarket every time they went shopping?’
‘I’ll do my best to remember in future.’
Laura wagged a finger at her then leaned forward and kissed her. ‘I know you will, you’re a good person.’
‘What time are you leaving?’ Meg choked on the words.
‘Cassie’s mum is picking us up at 6 a.m. to take us to the airport.’
Cassie and Laura had been inseparable for years. She’d been the first to get a piercing and of course Laura had to follow. Now Cassie had three tattoos — God knows what Laura was going to come back with after their long trip.
‘You’ll keep in touch and let me know when you’ve landed?’
‘I’ll WhatsApp you every day!’
‘You’re all I have in the world, you know that, don’t you, my angel?’
‘And you’re all I have, too, Mum!’
‘Until you meet the right person.’
‘Yech! Don’t think there’s much danger of that. Although maybe when we get to the Galapagos next year, I might kidnap a sea lion and bring it back.’
Meg smiled, knowing she was only half jesting. Over the years, Laura had brought all kinds of wounded creatures into their house, including a fox cub, a robin and a hedgehog. ‘Be careful in the water, won’t you — don’t forget about those dangerous rip tides and currents?’
‘Hello, Mum! Didn’t we grow up on the seaside? I’ll be careful! You’ll look after all the animals — don’t forget the gerbils?’
‘I’ve got all your instructions.’
Laura had written a detailed list of their food and the times they liked to be fed.
‘And special hugs and treats for Master Horace?’ She was struggling to speak now, her voice choked. ‘Don’t be sad, Mum. I love you so much and I’ll still love you just as much when I’m over there.’
Meg turned her head and looked at her daughter. ‘Sure, I know you will,’ she said.
And the moment you get on that plane, you will have forgotten all about me.
That’s how it works.
4
Monday 26 November
Shit, Mickey thought, his nerves shorting out as he obeyed the two Border Force officers’ unsmiling signals to pull over into the inspection lane. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Shit shit shit.
Be calm. Deep breath. Smile.
That was all he needed to do. But at this moment there was a total disconnect between his mind and his body. His ears were popping and his armpits were moist. A nerve tugged at the base of his right eye; a twitch he’d not had for years suddenly returned at the worst possible moment imaginable.
Stepping out of the office, Clive Johnson continued to observe the driver’s body language as the vehicle and trailer came to a halt. The man, who was wearing a black beanie, lowered his window, and Johnson strode up and leaned in. He smelled the strong reek of cigarette smoke on the man, noticing his badly stained teeth; the tattoo rising up above his open-neck shirt. He was wearing leather gloves. His skin had the dry, creased look of a heavy smoker, making him appear older than he actually was — probably around forty, he thought.