‘You are so lucky,’ he says indistinctly. ‘No one’s on your case. You can do what the hell you like.’
‘I can’t do what the hell I like!’ I say defensively. ‘I have to do this documentary the whole time. And now I’m supposed to go to Starbucks.’
‘Why Starbucks?’
‘Dunno. Starbucks therapy. Whatever.’
‘Right.’ Frank sounds supremely uninterested. But then, all of a sudden, he sits up. ‘Hey. Can you tell your therapist you’ll be cured if you attend this year’s European Gaming Expo in Munich and you have to take your brother?’
‘No.’
‘Phhhmph.’ Frank subsides onto the table again. Mum’s right, he does look rough.
‘You can have these.’ I give him the last remaining dregs of Shreddies, which Felix has abandoned.
‘Yeah, right. Soggy, third-hand Shreddies covered in Felix dribble. Thanks, Audrey.’ Franks gives me a death stare.
Then, a moment later, he reaches for a spoon and starts shovelling them in.
MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY – FILM TRANSCRIPT
INT. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY
Camera pans around the living room. It is in semi-darkness. Mum is gazing raptly at the TV. Dad is surreptitiously on his BlackBerry. Frank is staring at the ceiling.
Music crashes from the TV. The camera pans to the TV screen. Black-and-white writing reads ‘The End’.
MUM
There! Wasn’t that amazing? Wasn’t it just the most gripping story?
FRANK
It was all right.
MUM
‘All right’? Darling, it was DICKENS.
FRANK
(patiently)
Yeah. It was Dickens and it was all right.
MUM
Well, it was better than one of your inane computer games, you have to admit that.
FRANK
No it wasn’t.
MUM
Of course it was.
FRANK
It wasn’t.
MUM
(erupts)
Are you telling me that your ridiculous games can compete with a classic Dickens story? I mean, take the characters! Take Magwitch! Magwitch is unique!
FRANK
(unimpressed)
Yeah, there’s a Magwitch character in LOC too. Only he has, like, a better backstory than the Dickens one. He’s a convict, the same, but he can help any competitor.
AUDREY (VOICE-OVER)
He transfers powers.
FRANK
Except the competitor has to take on one of his crimes and pay the penalty—
AUDREY (V.O.)
Exactly. So you have to choose which power structure to go in at. And—
FRANK
Shut up, Aud! I’m explaining. Except you don’t know which penalty you’ve got till they make the choice. So it’s like a gamble, only the more you play, the more you can work it out. It’s awesome.
Mum is looking from Frank to Audrey and back again, in total bafflement.
MUM
OK, this makes no sense to me. None. What power structures? What is that?
FRANK
If you played, you’d find out.
AUDREY (V.O.)
Magwitch is a pretty amazing character.
MUM
Exactly! Thank you.
A slight pause.
MUM
The Dickens Magwitch or the LOC Magwitch?
AUDREY (V.O.)
The LOC Magwitch, of course.
FRANK
The Dickens one is just a bit . . .
MUM
(sharply)
What? What’s wrong with the Dickens Magwitch? What could be wrong with one of the great literary characters of our time?
FRANK
He’s less interesting.
AUDREY (V.O.)
Exactly.
FRANK
Two-dimensional.
AUDREY (V.O.)
I mean, he doesn’t DO anything.
FRANK
(kindly)
No offence. I’m sure Dickens was a great guy.
MUM
(to DAD)
Are you hearing this?
Mum’s been pissed off with us ever since Dickensgate. She made us tidy our rooms today, which hardly ever happens, and she found a cheeseburger in Frank’s room and it all kicked off.
I don’t mean a cheeseburger carton, I mean an actual cheeseburger. He’d taken about two bites and put it back into the box and left it on the floor, like, weeks ago. It was buried under a pile of rank sports kit. The weird thing is, the cheeseburger didn’t moulder. It kind of fossilized. It was pretty gross.
Mum started on the hugest lecture about rats and vermin and hygiene, but Frank waved her away and said, ‘I have to go, Mum – Linus is, like, a minute away. You always say we have to be polite to guests and greet them.’ He stomped downstairs and I felt a bit swoopy in my stomach.
Linus again. I didn’t think we’d be seeing so much of Linus while Frank was banned from computers.
Mum obviously thought the same thing, because she looked a bit thrown and called down the stairs, ‘He does know about your computer ban, doesn’t he?’ and Frank said impatiently, ‘Of course.’ Then he added, as he swung round into the hall, ‘But Linus can play LOC on my computer while he’s here, can’t he?’
Mum looked a bit flummoxed. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. A moment later she was heading off to her bedroom, saying, ‘Chris? Chris, what do you think of this?’
That was all about ten minutes ago. I know Linus is here because I heard him arrive a few minutes ago. He went straight into the playroom with Frank and I guess they fired up LOC straight away. Meanwhile I could hear Mum and Dad in discussion in their bedroom.
‘It’s the principle!’ Mum kept saying. ‘He’s got to learn!’
I think Dad was on the ‘They’re only kids, it’s all fairly harmless’ tack and Mum was on the ‘Screens are evil and corrupting my son’ tack, and they couldn’t agree, so after a while I got bored listening. I headed down to the den, and here I am now, waiting.
No, not waiting.
Well, kind of waiting.
I put on an old episode of How I Met Your Mother and try not to calculate how long a game of LOC is, and whether Linus might come and say hello when he’s done. Just the thought of him is giving me little twinges. Good twinges. I think.
I mean, not that he needs to say hello. It’s probably the last thing he wants to do. Why would he?
Only, he did say ‘See you soon’. Why would he say ‘See you soon’ if he was planning to ignore me for the rest of my life?
My hands are twisted up, and I try to unclench them. He won’t come. He’s here to see Frank, not me. I need to stop thinking about this. I turn up How I Met Your Mother, and am flicking through a copy of Closer too, for good measure, when Felix comes charging towards the sofa.
‘This pocket paper is for you!’ he announces, and thrusts a piece of A4 at me.
Hi, Rhubarb.
He’s drawn the picture of rhubarb in dark glasses again, and I feel my mouth twitch into a smile.
Hi, Orange Slice.
I’m terrible at drawing, but somehow I manage a picture of a face with hair and an orange segment for a mouth. I send Felix trotting off with it, and wait.
A few moments later I hear Mum and Dad coming down the stairs, and some sort of kerfuffle coming from the playroom.
‘You are SO UNREASONABLE!’ Frank’s voice suddenly echoes through the house.
‘PLEASE DO NOT SHOUT AT ME IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS!’ Mum shrieks back.
I instinctively have my hands over my ears, and am wondering whether to escape upstairs to my room, when there’s a noise at the door. I look up – and it’s him. It’s Linus.
Before I know it, I’ve bolted into the furthest corner of the sofa.
Stupid, dumb lizard brain.
I stare fixedly at the wall and mutter, ‘Hi.’
‘Hi, Rhubarb. So what’s this “orange slice” thing?’
‘Oh.’ I can’t help a tiny smile, and my fists unclench a teeny smidgen. ‘I think your smile looks like an orange segment.’