“I loved you more than anything, more than anything. Why wasn’t that enough?”
“It had nothing to do with you, Max. It had to do with me. I needed to find out who I am.”
“Well, you’re going to have to figure it out on your own, then. I’m trying with every ounce of my being to let you go. I don’t know what in the hell is going to happen, and I hate every fucking bit of this, but I’m trying.” Max’s head drops so he’s facing the nearly dark sky. “I’m fucking trying!” he yells.
Tears stream down my cheeks, making my body clench from the coldness that swallows me as my dress soaks in more of the cool ocean water, and I nod. “I know.”
Max’s blue eyes are glazed with his own sadness and defeat. I don’t know what else to say or if there is anything more to say. I close my eyes to stop noting each detail of Max’s face because this isn’t an expression I want to remember. I turn and take one last long look out at the Pacific Ocean, then wade back to the shore with my dress clinging to me. Water drips to the sand, making it stick to my feet and legs as I traipse up to the parking lot, but I don’t care. I don’t care about a single thing.
My heart throbs each time his words echo in my mind, confirming my fears: I’ve lost Max. I hate myself for what I’ve already decided, but I know that right now, I can’t stay. I need to distance myself and allow my heart to heal, and there’s no way that’s going to happen while staying at Max’s house, even if it is also Kendall’s now.
I search everywhere for a piece of paper to write a note to my sister and the others and eventually find a yellow-rule notepad that I tear several pages from.
Kendall,
I know I’m going to break your heart today by leaving, and I’m sorry. I’m so, so, so sorry. I can’t stay right now, but I will be back. I’ll be back soon, and you’ll come to Delaware. I love you too. So much. You’re the greatest sister in the world. Thank you for helping me face my fears.
I love you,
Ace
I leave it on her pillow and grip the Sharpie and other pages and head to the kitchen.
I’m sorry. I don’t mean to suck so bad at goodbyes, but it’s time for me to leave. I love you all.
XOXOXOXO
Love,
Ace
I leave it on the kitchen table along with Wes’s keys and zip my second suitcase as the cab pulls up out front.
Even though I’m a blubbering mess, the cab driver still attempts to make friendly conversation until he realizes that I’m beyond the ability to converse, and then he begins pointing out landmarks. Thankfully it’s a short ride.
I have to use my mom’s credit card when I get through the ticket line, because changing my ticket costs an arm and leg that I don’t have. Fortunately though, they’re able to get me on a flight that leaves in an hour and is going straight to Chicago and then a morning flight that will take me to Delaware.
People stare at me as I make my way through security, wiping tears that still fall without thought. My tears multiply when a woman brushes her hand over my arm, and I look around to realize that the people staring at me are all wearing matching faces of concern and sympathy—because even though as a species we can be heartless and have moments filled with barbaric acts, we still genuinely care for the well-being of one another, and it pains each of us when we recognize someone else experiencing despair.
When I step through the scanner, a TSA rep hands me my bin containing my shoes and other sundry items and glances at my ticket. “You’ve got a real short trip. Up to your left and only three gates on your right.”
I try to smile through the tears that make my cheeks feel dry and stretched too tight to show my appreciation even though I already know where I’m going.
I take a seat in a vacant row, yet within seconds, an older man sits beside me. Without saying anything, his hand reaches over and he places it atop of mine and slowly pats me. The small, but kind gesture only serves to make me cry even harder. We sit together like this for over an hour, until my heart finally settles down enough that my breathing starts to even out and my tears recede, falling every few minutes.
When the speakers announce boarding for my section, I turn my bleary eyes to the older man and smile to show my gratitude before I stand up and make my way into the short line, avoiding eye contact with those I can feel staring at me.
I fall asleep before the flight crew finishes with the safety instructions and miss my favorite part: the take off.
When we land in Chicago, I power on my phone to call Fitz and am greeted with six voicemails and a dozen texts. I know without looking they’re from my sisters so I ignore them. I don’t think I can take hearing how hurt they all are.
Fitz’s phone rings twice before he ignores my call and sends me to voicemail. “Hey, it’s me. I just landed in Chicago.” I attempt to take a deep breath, but it’s shallow as I wipe at my eyes that feel dry and scratchy with the return of more tears. “I wanted to invite you over for some pizza, so I can tell you about Ace, Max, and my parents. I wasn’t ever trying to lie to you, Fitz—I was trying to lie to myself. I’m really sorry.”
I press end and reach to place it in my pocket when it vibrates. I anxiously look to see if it’s Fitz and see that it’s a text from Kyle.
Kyle: R U ok?
Me: No, but I’m working on it. And will be.
Kyle: What happened?
Me: Reality check
Kyle: If I kill him would U come back home?
Me: Worst joke ever…
Me: It’s my fault Kyle. It’s all my fault. I just need to learn to move on. Thank you for everything. I love you too.
Kyle: It’s not all UR fault.
Me: It is. Max was a casualty—don’t be mad at him
He doesn’t respond. I don’t know if he doesn’t want to admit that I’m right, or if he’s just trying to heal another wound that I’ve inflicted upon my family.
When I turn from the luggage carousel with both of my bags in hand, arms pull me against a fluffy jacket that smells of spearmint and cologne. It’s Fitz. I release both handles of my bags and reach around him, feeling my eyes fill with new tears. He hugs me fiercely, as though he’s afraid a piece of me might drift away if he doesn’t hold on tight enough.
“Kendall called,” he says softly into my hair. “We talked for a really long time. She introduced me to Ace, and I introduced her to Harper.”
“I think that the two of us are going to coexist now. Or at least try.”
Fitz and I return to my apartment where we spend the day talking about things I’ve only ever shared with Kitty, and some things that I’ve barely shared with myself.
The next morning, I realize that Fitz left after I’d fallen asleep. Every trace of my wallowing day has disappeared along with him. The ice cream cartons we emptied and takeout pizza and Chinese containers are all gone, and my counters are wiped down as though it never happened, but it did, and my heart feels lighter.
Rather than going to the gym, or the small convenience stand to get my coffee and newspaper, I take Miller Avenue. I take it fifteen minutes out of my way and then turn and suffer through a main commute time until I reach the familiar brick house and put my car into park.