Know that regardless of what happens, you will never be alone. Your sisters and your mom and I love you with every fiber of our beings. Not only will you always have the Bosse women to fall back on, but you have Kyle and Caulder, and now Max.
Chills break out across my skin and a small cry makes it hard for me to breathe.
This is one of those years that it’s so difficult for me to try and articulate everything I want to say because I’m so excited to see what will happen in the next couple of years. Watching you fall in love for the first time this last year has been one of my greatest joys. I’m thrilled to see what you’ll decide to study in school, and how you’re going to leave your mark on this world, because believe me, Ace, you already have, and it’s just going to continue to get bigger.
Previous years, I’ve always tried to fill these letters with my favorite memories from the last year, and so here it goes. My favorite memories of Ace at the end of 19 and beginning of 20:
Getting to see you complete your first year of college. I know it was hard for you to leave home and experience this journey, yet you never once voiced your concerns. You’re so strong and watching you grow and become so close with Abby made me realize that although you’ll always be my youngest, you certainly aren’t my baby anymore.
Going to France. True, this makes the list nearly every year, but I love sharing my history with you girls, and although it was only the three of us that went this year, I loved getting to spend extra time with both of you and seeing everything that we did. No matter how many times we go into Notre Dame, the significance never pales, and I always seem to find a newly magnificent piece when we visit the Louvre.
Watching you fall in love with Max. This was one of the hardest and best things for me; because I watched you struggle with your fears and trying to appease everyone. I had to fight not to tell you what you should be doing and allow you to come to the realization on your own. You did it perfectly, Ace. Every step of the way, you did it all perfectly, at your own pace, and at your own comfort level. You followed your heart. When did you get so wise?
Savannah having baby Sawyer on your birthday. I may be becoming a sap in my old age, but I swear, I saw visions of the future watching you and Max holding her.
Seeing your strength and knowing that regardless of what happens you’re going to be able to do the right thing.
Now it’s time for the advice portion of my letter. The words I wish to impart on you that you will make an earnest effort to consider.
I have to pause and read through the beginning of his letter once again, slower this time, picturing each item he has described on the list. The advice portion of this letter is what I’ve been seeking, yet it hurts that I’m so close to it already being over. I take a deep breath and hear my father’s voice as I continue.
I’ve constantly struggled over this with your letters over the years but, it’s always scared me a lot more than it does this year for several reasons, but to the same point, this year you have something much larger to potentially lose and therefore I feel horrified at the prospect. Take a deep breath and finish by drinking something strong. I hope it helps.
If, God forbid, you’re reading this, Max has probably let you go.
A fresh course of chills sear my skin, and I reread the sentence several times before quietly whispering, “What?”
Knowing how much he loves you, I’m sure it was very difficult for him, and he’s currently cursing my grave asking me “what now?” while you continue on your journey, seeking out answers to questions you don’t have.
You’ll never be able to answer all of the questions that life throws at you. All you can do is enjoy what you’re given, and make the very best of it, so I’m going to tell you, it’s time to go home Ace.
I pause and feel my brows furrow as I look up at Fitz.
“What?”
“He knew. He knows. How in the hell did he know?”
“Know what?”
“That I’d leave.” I push the letter toward him. “He knew I’d leave if something ever happened to him. He knew that Max would let me go. How in the hell did he know?”
“Did you finish?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Keep reading.”
I know you’ll be hurting and be in a difficult place, but you need him, Ace. This last year you found someone you love even more than you love me, and although it was difficult for me to accept at first, I’m relieved you did. Max is your home now and that’s where you belong. I know I’m telling my twenty-year-old daughter and her free, independent spirit to go running into the arms of a guy with tattoos and a motorcycle … Who knew this day would come? But in all honesty, we know he’s a lot more than that. Max has a heart of gold and he loves you more than all of the stars in the sky.
Life is going to be filled with hurdles that test our strengths, but ultimately, it’s a celebration—a journey. Don’t stop because it hurts, or because it’s scary; pain and fear already take too much, don’t give them more. Fight to be happy, Ace. Fight to see the good, because it is always there if you look deep enough. Fight for life. And always, fight for love.
Finish your journey, and then go home. There’s another letter for you when you get there. Go tell Clementine you’re ready.
Save travels,
All of my love,
Dad
PS
I hope you’re reading this at eighty, sitting beside Max and laughing at the prospect of you ever leaving.
PPS
Please don’t ride on the motorcycle.
I read the letter six times and then look up at Fitz.
“I’m twenty-one. It took me over a year to read his letter.”
“It doesn’t matter, H. What matters is you need to go.” His brown eyes are heavy with pain, and his lips are tight as he smiles at me, but his fingertips squeeze around my forearm and he nods and I slowly nod in response.
“I do.”
“What can I do to help?”
I throw my arms around Fitz and clutch him so tightly it hurts. “I want to take you with me.”
“Don’t worry, you can’t get rid of me this easy. We’ll keep in touch, and visit, and get you back on those social networks so you can post daily pictures for me.”
I laugh and shake my head as a tear rolls down my cheek. The letter seems to have revealed something that I already knew: California is where I belong. But leaving hurts, and saying goodbye is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done because I know I won’t be back.
Fitz and I spend the night packing things into boxes and periodically venturing over to one another for a hug.
After I finish filling a box from the bathroom, I find him asleep on the couch I finally bought. I pull the blanket from across the back to cover him, and look over the array of boxes around my small apartment. I thought with coming to Delaware I was running from those I cared about most so life would be easier, less complicated, painless. Who knew I would manage to find one of the best friends I could have ever imagined and a mentor that I’ll be leaving before she possibly leaves me and the rest of the world permanently.