I watched her profile as she absently ran her fingers through my hair. “Do you have any idea just how truly beautiful you are?” She asked me as she looked intently into my eyes. It was all I needed. I reached up and kissed her. Gently I lowered her down on the sofa. I began to unzip her jeans when a sound from downstairs startled me. There was someone knocking on my apartment door. I lifted my head and listened. “Stephanie?” I heard Peter calling as he knocked on the my apartment door.
“Damn it.” I scowled as I pulled myself up.
“What is he doing here?” Allison growled angrily.
I gazed down at her knowing that I wanted to finish what I had started. But I had to go and deal with Peter first. “I’m sorry.” I apologized quickly. “I’ll get rid of him.”
“Don’t be silly.” Allison sighed as she stood and zipped up her pants. “He probably just wants to wish you a Merry Christmas. I’m sorry I was so sharp at first. I know that he must be having a hard time with this. I certainly would be. Why don’t you invite him up?” She offered gallantly.
“What?” I stared at her in amazement.
“It might help him adjust to things.” She explained thoughtfully. “You know seeing us together.”
“Oh no! I knew things were going too well.” I could not respond to her suggestion as I felt a full-fledged panic attack starting to grip my chest. I knew that Allison was not going to take this well. “Stephanie?” Allison called out to me. “Is there a problem?” She asked cautiously.
“No.” I answered quickly. Perhaps too quickly. “Just let me talk to him.” As I was saying this I could her Peter’s footsteps ascending the staircase.
“Stephanie?” Allison began slowly. “He doesn’t know about us does he?” Her voice was very calm and controlled perhaps slightly too controlled.
“No.” I confessed.
“It’s all right.” Allison responded in the same overly calm tone that was beginning to worry me. “I understand.”
“You do?” I responded with suspicion.
“Of course.” Allison said calmly and caressed my arm reassuringly. “Finding out that you are gay must have been hard enough on him.” I said nothing. I could not move. I could not think. I know that I hadn’t betrayed her I did try to tell him. Yet Allison was not going to respond very well when I told her. “Oh my God!” She said sharply and there it was before I even told her she knew. “You didn’t tell him!” Allison hissed in disgust. There it was and of her fear and doubts confirmed in a single moment.
Peter was knocking on her door and she was just staring at me in disbelief one step away from completely freaking out. “Allison.” I began cautiously. “When I ended things with him back in October I explained that I was not in love with him which is the truth.”
“But …” Allison struggled in a strained voice. I could tell that she fighting with herself not to explode. “.. I seem to recall that he
assumed that there was someone else. You talk to him all of the time and he comes to visit. Since I’m going to assume that he thinks that this someone else is a man which I am mostly definitely not, Peter is going to think that there no one else in your life. Stephanie he probably thinks that in time the two of you will get back together.”
“No.” I argued. “I’ve told him repetitively that it is over. I’m going to tell him everything Allison. Just not right now.”
“Don’t.” Allison snapped as she pulled away from me. “Are you ashamed of me?”
“No.” I answered firmly and without hesitation.
“Are you ashamed of being gay?” Allison asked carefully.
“No.” I responded again with the same firmness. “I’ve tried to tell him but he is just so hurt right now. I don’t want to hurt him any more than I already have.”
“Tell him.” Allison ordered me sternly.
“On Christmas Eve?” I gasped in horror. I wasn’t sure what had stunned me more that she had told me to do it now or that she had out and out ordered me to do it.
“Tell him.” Allison repeated. “Trust me in the long run you will be doing him a favor.”
“Allison let me handle this.” I fought back. “I am going to tell him in my own way. But it won’t be today.” I will never forget the look on her face. It was if I had slapped her. I couldn’t bare to see her hurt this way. I had to turn away from her. I opened the door to find Peter standing on the other side. “Hey.” He said with a goofy grin. “I was just about to knock. I had a feeling that you would be up here. I think it’s really nice that you have a neighbor you can be buddies with.” I grabbed him by the arm harshly and led him back down the staircase. This was all going very badly. I knew what Allison was thinking and why she had snapped at me. It must have seemed like a bad flashback. Right now the woman I love was upstairs in a panic and her next course of action would be to run. I had to deal with Peter quickly and then go back upstairs and reassure my lover that I was not like the others.
When Peter and I reached the bottom of the staircase I spun him around. “Peter, what are you doing here?” I demanded harshly.
“Stephanie.” He said gently. “Oh please just wish me a merry Christmas and go!” My mind pleaded helplessly. “I want us to stop playing games.” He continued. “Oh no.” I felt the bile rising in my throat. “When we first split up you led me to believe that there was someone else. But it is pretty obvious that isn’t the truth. Look I understand we met in college and I can understand that you needed time apart.”
“Oh my God Allison was right!” As the words screamed through my mind I watched in horror as he got down on one knee. “I was planning on doing this in private.” He laughed nervously and looked up at the staircase. “But here goes.” I followed his eyes and was horrified to see her standing there. Her face was ashen as she leaned up against the wall for support. Her eyes seemed to be begging me to stop him and tell him the truth.
“Stephanie.” Peter called for my attention. I turned and met his gaze. There he was kneeling on the floor with a jewelry box opened to reveal a diamond ring. “Marry me.” Was all he said.
I burst into tears. This was horrible. “Darling says yes.” He pleaded as I wept. “Allison help me out here.” He implored her. I turned to her fearfully. She just turned away and walked back upstairs slamming her apartment door behind her. “Stephanie?” Peter called to me once again.
“Peter get up.” I pleaded as I wiped the tears from my eyes and then took his hand gently as he stood beside me. I seated him on the staircase. “Peter.” I began slowly. “I’m sorry but the answer is no.” His smile quickly vanished as he put the ring back inside his coat pocket. “I’m sorry.” I repeated. “I love you. I do you know that.” I said as I looked into his wounded eyes. “But I’m not in love with you.” He slowly rose to his feet.
“I feel like a fool.” He whispered.
I stood behind him and placed my hands on his shoulders. “Peter there is something I need to tell you.” I said trying to calm myself. “I didn’t fully understand my feelings for you until I came to understand myself. Peter I’m a lesbian.” His body tensed as I spoke these words.
“What!” He shouted as he turned to me in anger. “How can you say that?”
“Because it’s true.” I answered calmly. I had hoped that my calmness would quiet him down. I was mistaken.
“You can’t be gay!” He shouted again as his face reddened.
With his last out burst Hal appeared wearing a formal evening gown. “Is everything all right out here?” Hal asked me with concern.