River returns with a thick blanket and wraps me snuggly.
“You are in shock, Star.” His hands rub up and down my arms. The friction makes me feel warmed, but I am still shaking. I listen to his voice as he does his best to soothe me.
“Everything is going to be okay. I promise you that. Chrome and I won’t let anything happen to you. Do you understand me, Star?” I nod and acknowledge him. It is all I can do.
We sit there for what seems like hours until the bathroom door starts to creep open. I don’t turn to look. I just continue to sit on the edge of the bathtub.
“I’ll take her from here.” Chrome’s quiet voice echoes through the tiny room. The men exchange positions as my guardian. I feel so fucking helpless. But I can’t fucking move. Why can’t I move?
I want to scream and yell. I want to fucking break shit. I want to lash out at everything and everybody. The amount of emotions that mix through my body rival that of your everyday lunatic. I am angry and melancholy. I am jubilant and free. I am worried and anxious. I am relieved.
“It’s okay, Star. Everything is okay.”
He turns the shower on and turns to wrap me in his strong embrace. Holding me close to his chest, he rubs lazy circles on my back and continues to reassure me that everything is fine. I just wish it was that easy.
Chrome slowly removes his clothes, starting with his boots first. He continues piece by piece until he stands before me in nothing more than his boxer-briefs. I want to smile, or touch him, but I can’t. He unwraps me from the blanket. Thankfully the shaking has stopped and I am slowly starting to feel as though I am not going to freeze to death. He strips the clothes from my body until I am completely naked. He’s tender and gentle with me. Careful where he touches me, never inching close to intimate spots.
He lifts me over the threshold of the tub, placing me on my feet while he pulls off his boxers and joins me in the shower. The water feels good running over my cold skin. The steam helps clear my thoughts. I am able to focus for the first time since Blue approached me. I have no perception of time. I just know this time he can’t come back for me.
Chrome’s hands fill with my fruit scented body wash and he washes me from top to bottom. Not missing a single spot. The action is intimate. Like a parent cares for his child, but our connection now is just so different. I wonder if there is any going back from the events of the day, or if we will just go in our own directions from here on out?
“I am so proud of you, baby. You are so strong. So brave. You did what you had to do, and he will never bother you again. I promise you that. We will never have to hear his name as long as we both live. I promise you that, Star. Never again.”
His words bring a level of comfort to me. I believe him; this will never come back to bother us. I feel more peaceful than I have since I settled into Woodstock. The soap and water rinse away every trace of the crime. Down the drain of the now dingy white bathtub. I just pray the shower is enough to cleanse my guilty soul despite the peace that fills my mind.
My body sags against the soft mattress in Chrome’s bed. I haven’t moved since yesterday when he dressed me and laid me down. Movies have continued to keep my mind from wandering back to what I did. What a monster I have become. It started with happy shit. Scarlett laid with me and we watched Snow White. I smiled at her concern for me. River insisted she wasn’t the one who got me sick, even though she was the only culprit in the house with the flu.
As the hours passed, Chrome came and went, holding me in his arms as I would cry, or just encouraging me to watch a funny movie instead of the gloom and doom list I had picked out of his collection. The Hangover, Ace Ventura, and The Break Up actually got me to crack a couple smiles. In the middle of the night, though, his phone rang, and he was gone.
River replaced him by my side and he hasn’t left. It’s almost dinnertime now, and we still haven’t spoken. I feel like I am mute.
“I’m a bad person. I am a criminal. I got your brother to cover up my transgressions.” My voice cracks as I choke back the sob that threaten. I pull my knees up to my chest, and cover my face with my clammy hands.
“Star, listen to me when I say this. I won’t discuss it again, either.” River turns in the bed and faces me. I should look at him, make eye contact, show him that I truly am paying attention. But I just can’t do it.
“Chrome lives this life. You didn’t make him do anything he hasn’t been involved with before. He did this for you, because he cares about you. It may sound selfish but he doesn’t want to lose you. If something happened, he would blame himself.”
He tries to continue but I cut him off.
“It wasn’t his fault! I did this!” The emotion finally takes hold of me, for the first time in a full day. I feel my heart begin to beat again. The feeling of actually living begins to flow though my body. “I am responsible for my own actions, River! No one else!”
“Star, you are fucking family now. We take care of our family, whether you like it or not. So fucking get used to it.”
Then, he leaves me alone for the first time since I killed the man who turned me into a victim for all those years. Alone with my thoughts, I try and rationalize what I did. Alone to think about his words. You are fucking family now. A family that cares about me, enough to put their own asses on the line. It makes me happy as I battle my own inner demons. Knowing I have these people to fall back on no matter what happens. That unconditional love and support. I may never be able to get over what I did. Walking around free, while he is dead in the ground somewhere. If they even were kind enough to bury him. River is as upset as I am when he walks back into the room. He sits down next to me and slings his arm over my slumped shoulder.
“He hasn’t always been like this, Star. We grew up in a good house, with good parents. He was on his way to The University of Georgia on a football scholarship.”
What? Chrome playing football? I couldn’t see it if I tried. Although he’s built like one of those giant blocker guys.
“It was his senior year. He had already been accepted, and he was going to be a football star. He had a straight ticket to the NFL. But he got hurt a couple weeks into the season. Doctors said he would never play again. That’s when he changed. That is when my brother became Chrome.” He shrugs it off like it isn’t a big deal, and all I can think about is how I wished it was Chrome himself telling me this story. Confiding in me during my darkest hours. I feel like we are doing something wrong, talking about such serious shit behind his back. It feels like betrayal.
“He started to hang around with the Renegades, and the rest is really history. Michelle did a fucking number on him years ago. But, Star…” He turns my face by the chin so I can look him in the eyes. “There hasn’t been anyone since her. Yeah, a couple club skanks here and there. But no one he would ever bring home. No one he would trust with Scarlett. Star, he needs you.”
I don’t know what to say, and I am sure he doesn’t expect much of a reply.
“Just think about it all. That’s all.”
“I want to go for a ride.”
Chrome looks across the bed where we both feast on takeout from Maggie’s. He figured French fries with American cheese and gravy would actually get me to eat. He was right. As I took the first bite, my appetite that had completely vanished returned.