And her grief was frightening, because it had its own will. Her grief filled her mind with comforting, terrible ideas.
In the middle of December planning, Fire made a choice. She hoped she chose right.
On the very last day of December, which happened to be Hanna's sixth birthday, Hanna appeared at Fire's door, tattered and crying. Her mouth bled, and bleeding knees peeked through holes in both trouser legs.
Fire sent for a healer. When it was determined that Hanna was not crying over any injury to her body, Fire sent the healer away, knelt before the girl, and hugged her. She deciphered Hanna's feelings and gasps as best she could. Finally she came to understand what had happened. The others had taunted Hanna about her father, because he was always away. They'd told Hanna that Brigan was forever leaving because he wanted to get away from her. Then they'd told her he wasn't coming back this time. That was when she'd started hitting them.
In her gentlest voice and with her arms around the girl, Fire told Hanna over and over that Brigan loved her; that he hated to leave her; that the first thing he always did on his return was go find her; that indeed, she was his favourite topic of conversation, and his greatest happiness. "You wouldn't lie to me," Hanna said to Fire, her sobs coming quiet. Which was true; and which was the reason Fire said nothing on the point of Brigan coming home this time. It seemed to her that to assure anyone Brigan was ever coming home was always to risk a lie. He'd been gone now nearly two months, and in the last week, no one had heard a word from him.
Fire gave Hanna a bath and dressed her in one of her own shirts that made a long-sleeved dress that Hanna found quite funny. She fed Hanna dinner, and then, still sniffling, the girl fell asleep in Fire's bed. Fire sent word with one of her guards so that no one would be alarmed.
When Brigan's consciousness appeared suddenly in her range, she took a moment to calm her own shaking relief. Then she sent him a message in his mind. He came to her rooms immediately, unshaven and smelling of the cold, and Fire had to stop herself from touching him. When she told him what the children had told Hanna, his face closed and he seemed very tired. He sat on the bed, touched Hanna's hair, leaned down to kiss her forehead. Hanna woke up. She said, "You're cold, Papa," crawled into his arms, and fell asleep again.
Brigan rearranged Hanna in his lap then, and looked over her head at Fire. And Fire was so struck by how much she liked having this grey-eyed prince on her bed with his child that she sat down, hard. Luckily there was a chair behind her.
"Welkley tells me you've not been out of your rooms much this week, Lady," Brigan said. "I hope you're not unwell."
"I was quite ill," Fire croaked, and then bit her tongue, because she hadn't meant to tell him.
His worry was instant. He opened the feeling of it to her.
"No," she said. "Don't fret, it was a small thing. I'm recovered." Which was a lie, for her body was sore still and her heart raw as Hanna's knees. But it was what she hoped would be the truth, eventually.
He studied her, unconvinced. "I suppose if that's what you say, I'll have to believe you. But do you have the care you need?"
"Yes, of course. I beg you to forget it."
He lowered his face to Hanna's hair. "I'd offer you birthday cake," he said. "But it looks like we'll have to wait until tomorrow."
That night the stars were cold and brittle, and the full moon seemed very far away. Fire bundled herself up so that she was twice as wide around as usual.
On the roof she found Brigan standing contentedly hatless in a draft. She blew warm air into her mittened hands. "Are you immune to winter, then, Lord Prince?"
He led her to a place protected from the wind by a broad chimney. He encouraged her to lean back against the chimney. When she did, she was surprised, for it was lovely and warm, like leaning against Small. Her guard faded into the background. The tinkling sound of the drawbridge bells whispered over the rumble of the falls. She closed her eyes.
"Lady Fire," Brigan's voice said. "Musa told me about Mila. Would you care to tell me about my sister?"
Fire's eyes flashed open. There he was at the railing, his eyes on the city, his breath shooting out like steam. "Hmm," she said, too astonished to build a proper defence. "And what would you like to know about her?"
"Whether or not she's pregnant, of course."
"Why should she be pregnant?"
He turned then to look at her, and their eyes met. Fire had a feeling her unreadable face was not as successfully unreadable as his. "Because outside of her work," he said dryly, "she's overly fond of a gamble. And she's thinner, and tonight she ate little, and turned green at the sight of the carrot cake, which I assure you is something I've never seen her do once in my life. Either she's pregnant or she's dying." His eyes turned back to the city and his voice went smooth. "And don't tell me the father of these babies, because then I'd be tempted to harm him, and that would be inconvenient, don't you think, what with Brocker expected, and all these people about who adore him?"
If he'd deciphered this much, then there was no point in pretense. She said mildly, "Nor would it set an example for Hanna."
"Humph." He leaned his mouth on his fist. His breath steamed out in every direction. "I take it they don't know about each other yet? And I take it I'm to keep all of it secret. Is Mila as unhappy as she looks?"
"Mila is devastated," Fire said softly.
"I could kill him for that."
"I believe she's too angry, or too despairing, to think straight. She won't take his money. So I'm taking it myself, and I'll hold it for her, and hope she changes her mind."
"She may keep her job if she wants it; I won't force her out of it.
We'll work something out." He shot her a wry glance. "Don't tell Garan." And then, grimly: "Ah, Lady. It's a mean time to be welcoming babies to the world."
Babies, Fire thought to herself. Babies to the world. She sent it out into the air: Welcome to you, babies. And found, with great frustration, that she was crying. It seemed a symptom of her friends' pregnancies that Fire should not be able to stop crying.
Brigan was transformed from hard to soft, his hands scrambling through pockets for a handkerchief that wasn't there. He came to her. "Lady, what is it? Please tell me."
"I've missed you," she blubbered, "these past two months."
He took her hands. "Please tell me what's wrong."
And then, because he was holding her hands, she told him all of it, quite simply: how desperately she wanted children, and why she'd decided she mustn't have them, and how out of fear of changing her mind, she'd arranged quietly, with Clara and Musa's help, to take the medicines that would make it forever impossible. And she hadn't recovered, not nearly, for her heart was small and shivering, and it seemed that she couldn't stop crying.
He listened, quietly, growing more and more amazed; and when she finished he was silent for some time. He considered her mittens with something of a helpless expression. He said, "I was insufferable to you the night we met. I've never forgiven myself."
It was the last thing Fire had expected him to say. She looked into his eyes, which were pale as the moon.
"I'm so sorry for your sadness," he said. "I don't know what to tell you. You must live where many people are having babies, and adopt them all. We must keep Archer around – he's quite a useful chap, really, isn't he?"