A sickness bites my stomach, and I shake the thought from my head. Once my gown is removed, I immediately go to loosen the strap of my leather sheath and freeze. I’m alarmed for a moment until I remember it’s hidden between the mattresses.
What if I’d been stupid enough to wear it tonight? Sebastian had been more forward than I ever thought possible. His hand had been in the very spot where I keep it. Panic squeezes my chest. Now that we’re betrothed, he may try to take more liberties. I’ll have to be more careful.
My father’s outlawed dagger is the only thing connecting me to him, and the only thing that wards off my feelings of weakness, the ones Sebastian made me feel so prominently tonight.
A fresh set of tears brims in my eyes, and I close them, feeling the warmth trail down my cheeks. I only wish my father would have trained me to use the dagger. I’d have a better chance out there on my own if I had a different skill set. Hunting, fighting, anything to protect myself.
I won’t allow fear to deter me from my goal. Finding a way past the wall and a place of my own, wherever I must, is better than being a prisoner. My father preached as much as I grew up. Even if he, himself, stuck to most of the laws, he knew that being ruled by King Hart and living within this façade was wrong.
All these thoughts exhaust me further, and I climb into bed still wearing my undergarments, without changing into my nightgown. Before I lie down, the heart-shaped betrothal gift slips over my skin, its chilled silver causing my chest to ache.
Sebastian more than staked his claim on me as he arrogantly admitted that I belong to him now. A burning rises in my chest, and I clutch the locket. I yank it from my neck and hurl it to the floor.
I belong to no one.
NINE
Breakfast is awkward the next morning. Sebastian won’t meet my eyes, and he continually kneads his temples, likely trying to massage away the headache from his hangover.
I attempted to feign a headache of my own this morning, claiming the betrothal and celebration had taxed me. I pleaded with Madity to let me rest in my chamber all day. After tending to the cuts on my hands, she so worried that she threatened to call the castle physician. That was enough to get me out of bed.
Now I question my choice, the idea that facing Sebastian would be better than being probed. As I sit across from him, I remember the fierce glint in his eyes as he forced me to look into them, and I grip my fork. The hard metal cuts into my palm.
I must find a way to move past this. My behavior toward him last night was wretched, true, but it was undeserving of my being treated like a whore. I inhale deeply. I must forgive his actions, if only because he’s given me a new purpose. Something more than just becoming stronger and learning to use my dagger: become self-sufficient.
Sebastian’s hand shakes as he lifts his glass of water. “I will never drink again.”
Looking down at my plate, I lower my fork, forcing my hand to release its death grip.
“Zara,” he says, and I meet his eyes. “Can you forgive…?” He trails off. His eyes fall to the table. “I apologize for my behavior last night.”
I wonder if I should let him simmer in his shame a little longer, but I have more important things for the day. I need to work this to my advantage. “I forgive you, Sebastian. It was not you, but the wine.” I smile, my lips twitching. “Only, do not think I’ll be so agreeable the next time you decide to drink Karm dry of alcohol.”
His lips curl into a small smile. “Then you are not angry with me?”
I force my smile wider. “I—” Damn. I’m still enraged, and I can feel his firm lips forcing a kiss on me. My first one. I close my eyes, take in a cleansing breath, and Devlan’s words come back to me. It doesn’t count.
“I’m not very angry anymore,” I say. “But don’t assume this means you are welcome to whatever you please.” I glare at him. Sebastian’s words from last night hit me like a punch. You’re mine. I shake my head, clearing the disturbing memory. “Now. What are your plans for the day?”
He’s taken back by my sudden change of topic, and his brow shoots up. “I haven’t gotten further than working up my apology to you, to be honest.” He reaches across the table and takes my hand. “Let me make it up to you. I’ll postpone my joust practice until the morrow. We can do anything you’d like today.”
Apologetic Sebastian is very different from Vain and Disturbing Sebastian. Is it an act? Or is his hangover so miserable it’s taken him off his game? I think for a moment, calculating the order in which I need to work my plan.
“All right.” I smile brightly. Let’s see how far I can push this. “I want to learn how to ride a horse.”
His features fall, and I’m sure he’s going to deny my request. But then he smiles and says, “Done.”
“Really?”
“Of course. As a matter of fact, Devlan mentioned this morning you were interested in learning to ride.” He glances at his first knight for affirmation, and Devlan nods once. “I was considering it,” he pauses to laugh, “just not today, since my head feels like it’s been used as a practice target for the joust.” His gaze works over my face. “But I want you happy. If riding will do so, I feel I have no choice but to suffer through the pain.”
I smile, preparing to speak my next words nonchalantly. “Devlan mentioned a stable hand. Jericho, I believe. I’m fine learning from him today if you’re too unwell.”
He eyes me curiously. “I endeavor to make this up to you. And there’s no better rider than me, Zara. You will be well acquainted with riding before the day’s end.”
I nod. Though I’d rather not spend an entire day with him, I believe he’s undoubtedly a good rider. Also, I want to learn quickly. Once I have horseback riding conquered, I can move on to archery, and then to learning important skills I suspect Madity has, and lastly, studying how the knights train. That one will be easily enough obtained while I attend the practice tourneys for the tournament.
“Your aching head shall be your punishment, then,” I say. “Let it be a reminder for the next time you consider drinking yourself into oblivion.”
He laughs and brings my hand to his lips, kissing it softly. “It couldn’t have been all that bad.” His voice drops to a whisper. “Surely, the thought of my lips on yours is not the worst thing you can imagine.”
My stomach sinks, and the memory of his lips trailing over my skin causes my face to heat. “Sebastian.” I say his name as a warning.
He releases my hand. “Right.” He clears his throat. “Call on your maid. You’ll need to change your gown.”
I scrunch my brow. “Into what?”
All I have are dresses. The tunics I brought from the farm have disappeared. It’s not as if I can wear hose or trousers like a man, though I’d gladly trade my embroidered gowns for them any day.
“You’ll need a simple dress. Something you don’t mind being ruined if you should fall.”
“Fall?” The thought hadn’t occurred to me. “Are you so poor a teacher that I’m in danger of falling?”
His eyes darken. I shrink back, regretting my outburst, but his bothered expression is quickly replaced by a bright smile. “I promise, no harm will come to you.” He rises from his seat and looks down at me. “But,” he says, a devious smile creeping onto his face, “plan on getting a bit dirty, my love. I ride hard.”
Madity changes me into a plain brown, full-length tunic. It’s more comfortable than my gowns and reminds me of what I used to wear every day back at my father’s farm. I sigh, thinking that even though I’ve only spent a few days stuck behind these walls, it feels like a lifetime.