I feel Devlan’s scar beneath my fingers, and envision the sneer on Sebastian’s face as he inflicted it, as he gave in to Hart’s commands.
What’s right? What am I supposed to do?
I sink into my chair, feeling as if my mind is weighing me down. I imagine Devlan’s arms wrapped around me, sheltering me from my own thoughts. Pressing my palm over the communicator in my bodice, I try to feel the strength that Devlan claims he sees in me.
TWENTY-NINE
“We’re cutting it close.” Xander adjusts his sword to his hip.
The morning sun shines through the canopy of tree branches, the meadow covered in a misty fog. I clasp my jeweled sash behind my back as Xander packs our training supplies. Hiking the hem of my white gown above the dew and sap-covered pine straw, I hustle toward the wall opening. Nothing can catch Sebastian’s notice.
Once we’re on the other side of the brook, I look over at Xander. “You truly feel I’m ready?”
Xander grasps Sterlyn’s reins and hands them to me. “Yes, Zara. You’re ready.” The confidence in his voice doesn’t match the waver I glimpse in his deep brown eyes.
I nod, hoping that Xander’s hesitation is an inner reflection, and not solely doubt in me. We’re all preoccupied with our own parts of this mission. I mount my horse while Xander gets atop his. “You’ve been distracted during training, Xander. What’s been on your mind?”
He looks at the ground before kicking his heels. “Fallon and I have been having a disagreement.” I trot Sterlyn beside his gray horse as he continues. “I’ve never gone against any of her orders…until now.”
I open my mouth to respond, but I’m unsure how. Xander’s in a difficult position if he disagrees with an order from the Rebel leader. I know he respects her as his leader, but he’s also in love with her, which might cloud his judgment. Going against a command on his part would take great strength, as I’ve seen them together. I know he’d do anything for her, and anything she’d ask of him.
I’m curious if the order has anything to do with me, and I can’t help but ask, “Does it have to do with the mission?”
Even over the sound of the forest floor crunching beneath our horses’ hooves, I hear his deep sigh. “Partly. It’s more personal, though.” He glances at me. “And I’d rather keep certain things undisclosed. Not to you, Zara,” he quickly adds. “But to all.”
I look ahead to the plain coming into view. “We’re allowed our secrets, Xander. Sometimes, they’re what keep us who we are.”
Saying this, I wonder if I truly believe it. I’ve been keeping my own secrets. Everyone believes it’s the right thing to do, but I still tussle with the choice I’ve made to keep Sebastian in the dark.
“Although,” I add. “The truth can be quite liberating. I guess you have to question who it would affect and how.”
The lines of his forehead deepen, the corners of his eyes frown, and he pulls his horse to a stop. “But it’s none of my business.” I shake my head. “I’ve only known you and Fallon a short while, and I don’t know the circumstances. But I trust you both.”
Xander’s eyes stare out over the plain, a far-off expression on his face. “Fallon is a true leader.”
“As are you, Xander.” I turn Sterlyn to face him. “You’re second in command, and I would trust an order from you as much as from Fallon.”
His eyes meet mine, and a slow smile crawls up his face. “You would? The stubborn, reluctant princess?”
“Hey!” I can’t help but laugh.
He holds up his hands. “Devlan’s words.” His smile falls a bit, and he says, “But thank you, Zara. You truly are ready, and if all this had never happened, I’d have willingly followed you as my queen.”
His admission stuns me as much as the somberness in his tone. He’s carrying a heavy burden, one I hope he finds an answer to in the end. For both him and Fallon.
I raise my brows and lighten my voice. “Well, as it is, Sir Xander,” I bow my head regally, “I’m lucky to have a noble leader to follow.”
He laughs, and his heavy chuckle bounces off the woods. “I hope that you don’t regret those words, m’lady.”
Before I can comment, he gives me a full Xander smile, then kicks the sides of his horse and gallops off. I puzzle over his words only a moment before following him.
Xander and I quickly stable our horses when we reach the court grounds, then rush toward the castle to meet Sebastian at the tournament.
My conversation with Xander still sits heavily on the front of my mind, but my nerves are making it difficult to think of anything other than tonight. This is it. The last day of the tournament and the ceremonial marriage of Prince Sebastian to his chosen princess. Everything depends on today. And me.
Devlan has spent the past two days stationed in the knights’ quarters on the opposite wing of the castle, training for the last match of the tournament. He’s being watched closely by the Force, and we couldn’t take the chance we’d be caught together and have it reported back to Sebastian. Xander took over my training, but we’ve only had an hour each day during my morning rides. Anything more is too risky.
Xander continually tells me of Devlan’s confidence in my skills, and it’s what I desire to hear. Only, I need to hear Devlan’s endorsement with my own ears, look into his eyes as he says it, but I know that’s asking too much. I trust he’d stop the mission if he were unsure.
Every moment that I’ve not been with Madity making preparations, I’ve been with Sebastian. Late-night suppers. Dancing beneath the stars at the tourney celebrations. Long walks around the lake, where I tried to coax him into the pleasant conversation we once shared. And all the while, my soul was burdened with guilt.
Guilt that I have failed him. Guilt that I have failed my father.
And Devlan.
Although my attempts to garner Sebastian’s trust have proven somewhat beneficial, as he’s removed my second guard, I’m not sure it’s enough. Every time he attempted to kiss me, my heart panged, and I pulled away. He believes I have strong convictions about marriage, and Devlan’s absence has helped, but I still see the doubt in his eyes.
All around me is doubt. It festers in the air, and I struggle to breathe through the suffocation of it.
After the last event—the battle between Sebastian and Devlan—I must convince Sebastian to take me to King Hart. I’ll have mere hours before the ceremony starts, and my mind struggles with what I must do.
I envision Devlan’s confident features, his sturdy voice as he tells me to see this through. However, I also feel the doubt that’s been with me from the beginning. I believe Sebastian can come out of this a good leader, a good person. But his recent bouts of anger and the cool, calculated look he gets lately splinter my mind with more poisonous thorns of doubt. What if losing his father sends him in the opposite direction?
Telling Sebastian the truth would open his eyes, and there might not be a need to continue this lie. There might be another way to stop Hart altogether. Or it could backfire, and I could lose Sebastian completely to the darkness seething in him. There are too many scenarios to factor in.
Right now, I can’t consider them. I have to continue with the Rebel’s plan. It’s been in effect long before I was involved, so it’s possible I’m only getting “cold feet.” Just not in the traditional wedding style.
As we reach the tournament, the stands are already full. All of Karm has come to watch their prince face off with last season’s defending champion. My head swims as I search the knights gathered on the sidelines.
Sebastian requested that I meet him near the tent before the match starts, and I’m late. Dammit. I can’t afford to slip up now.