"You were provoked," said Veritt. "You're young—and Sime. In all the time you've been here, I've never seen you lose your temper. I was much older than you before I achieved sure control over my nature."
"Thank you," said Rimon, still wanting to protest.
"We'll go home now," said Veritt, "and leave you and Kadi to rest. I'll see that my son never again makes such an indecent suggestion."
Rimon and Kadi rode home in silence. As they prepared for bed, though, Rimon was thinking that they did indeed owe people some proof of what they promised. He said, "Jord was right."
"You—want to try his experiment?"
He turned on her, enraged at that idea. "Is that what you want? Is it, Kadi?"
"What do you mean, Rimon?"
"I noticed how you sympathized with him after he as much as called you a whore! If you were Sime, you'd know how enticing you are."
"Well, I'm not Sime! And I'm glad!" said Kadi.
Fists on his hips, Rimon looked her up and down. "What an uppity Gen! Choice kill, that's for sure. Small wonder Jord and his friends are after you. The very idea they could have you and not kill you, so that afterwards they could have that, too! It must surely be driving them crazy."
Her shock thrilled through him, her pain a pleasure to his overwrought nerves. She fought for control.
"Rimon, why don't you relax and let me make you feel better?"
"Oh yes—let you make me happy and carefree, so you can do as you please? You really have become a witch, haven't you? It's like Dad said—you can get a Sime in your power and control him completely! Well, you're not going to control me. I'm my own man, and you just keep your killusting field out of my nager!"
He reveled in the shock and pain that went through her at his vile gutter language. Then he turned and stalked out of the house, holding himself from zlinning lest she somehow reach out and affect him again.
He walked around the side of the hill, half-expecting Kadi to come running after him. But she didn't. Shen the wench anyway! He plunged on, fighting the desire to enter hunting mode, until he was beyond Kadi's influence. In the darkness, where the moonlight didn't penetrate, his left foot came up sharply against a small rock. Feeling like some stupid, stumbling Gen, he kicked spitefully at the rock.
Somehow, the pain cleared his head. He sat down, removing his boot and rubbing his foot as the pain subsided. No, he hadn't broken any bones—but why was he behaving like a Sime in hard need? What did he want from Kadi? When she tried to help him, he pushed her away—and when she held herself aloof, he resented that, too. He didn't understand her. How could a Sime understand a Gen? How could she help always doing the wrong thing? She was only a Gen.
Pulling on his boot, he limped back to the house. Kadi was asleep, her tear-stained face buried in Rimon's pillow, which she clutched against herself. He pitied her helplessness, zlinned her, and found that she was cold.
She woke as he drew the blanket over her, and reached for him. He drew back. "Not now, Kadi."
She sat up as he stripped off his clothing and pulled on pajamas. When he stretched out on the edge of the bed away from her, turning his back stiffly to her, she still sat there shivering a little. "Rimon. We've got to talk."
"I'm tired," he replied gruffly. "We'll talk tomorrow."
"No," said Kadi, firmly, "If you don't want me anymore, I'm leaving tomorrow."
He sat up, eyes wide. "What?"
"If I'm hurting you, controlling you, turning you into something unnatural, then I can't stay with you. I can speak the Gen language now; I know something of their customs. Carlana will give me some clothing that Gens think proper for a woman. If you can't give me a horse, Del will. I'll make out."
"Kadi—no!" His tentacles extended, gripping air in shock. "I can't let you go… I didn't mean what I said– any of it. Not any of it, Kadi. Believe me, oh, please believe me." The tears were his own now, not an echo of hers.
"Then what's wrong with us to make you say those things?"
"It's not us, it's me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just go crazy thinking of anyone laying a tentacle on you. And when I watch someone zlinning you, it's like a knife in my guts, twisting…"
She put her arms around him, bewildered. "But Rimon, I've never wanted anyone but you. I can't even stand the thought… Zlin me for the truth of it, Rimon—zlin me deeply," she said, pulling his hands into position and coaxing his laterals into contact with her arms. "I'd never give transfer to anyone else, certainly never let them have me afterwards. If I leave you, I go to live alone for the rest of my life. I know that—and I know my life wouldn't be very long. But I don't care, if it would make you well at last."
He disentangled the contact and drew her to his chest. "Kadi, you could survive without me—but I couldn't survive one month without you. I think that's what scares me so. I'm only beginning to realize how much stronger you are than I am. You can walk away from me—anytime you want."
"No, I can't," she said deliberately. "Unless you throw me out."
Oh, never! Holding her, he let her field penetrate into him. Then, puzzled, he held her away. "Lie down. I want to check something."
"What?" she asked as she lay flat and he extended his laterals again, spreading his hands over her chest, running them down to her abdomen, seeking the source of the faint anomaly he'd zlinned.
"Yes!" he said, brightening suddenly. "Yes, it is! It is, it is, Kadi, it is!"
"What!" she demanded, though he sensed she knew.
"Our b'aby! We're going to have a baby!" Then he sobered. "My baby. My heir. So soon. So soon."
Kadi beamed, completely missing the dread fear that threatened Rimon's happiness. He pushed it aside. They'd manage—hadn't they managed to survive everything so far? He let himself dissolve into Kadi's delight.
Chapter Ten
TRAGEDY OF IGNORANCE
In the days that followed the discovery that Kadi was pregnant, Rimon made a deliberate attempt to control his emotions. The way he'd lashed out at Jord Veritt—and then at Kadi—disturbed him more than he wanted Kadi to know. One night he wakened in a cold sweat, his laterals fully extended, convinced that he was savagely draining the selyn out of Jord. He hadn't been able to sleep for three nights after that, and when he did finally fall into a doze, it deepened into an episode of near coma, and he woke to Kadi's frantic efforts to rouse him.
He'd had need nightmares all his adult life until Kadi established, but never before turnover. He didn't dare tell her about them. She was so happy now, humming and singing as she prepared for the winter and made plans for the baby. For her, the fight had cleared the air, making everything fresh and new again. But Rimon kept remembering how he'd stormed out on her, with the killrage singing in his veins, wanting to hunt. That feeling wasn't gone after the fight. Every few days; in a dream or while riding within zlinning distance of Slina's Pens, or in the presence of a post-kill Sime, it would come back sharp and clear. And his resolve never to kill again, would be shaken, and that scared him more than anything. Never had he felt this way about the kill.
He couldn't discuss it with Kadi. How could a Sime discuss killust with a Gen? There was no Sime he could discuss it with either. Del had his own problems. Carlana and the people of Fort Freedom—no, they'd lose faith in him. He had to fight—and win—this battle alone. He couldn't lean on Kadi now.
Despite her age in natal years, she was still only six months a woman. However much he had yearned for their child, it was too soon. Her cycles had barely begun. His father never bred female Gens until they'd been established for a full year or their cycles stabilized completely. He wasn't even sure if she had stabilized. He had been so frantic to relieve himself, he hadn't even been aware of her fertility.