"Rimon—what are you talking about?"
"Ever since—ever since there's been a Sime Territory, we've raised Gens, used them, controlled them. And now, the only way we can stop using them… is to let them use us."
"No, Rimon!"
"No? You've just used me, Kadi—used me as your sexual plaything. I felt no desire until you turned me on."
Uncertainty in her nager, she said, "I love you, Rimon.. I thought you loved me."
"I do. Oh yes. It's just that I wonder if I ever had any choice in the matter?"
Chapter Twelve
GROPING IN THE DARK
As their first winter on the homestead closed in around them, Kadi made an obvious effort to keep from controlling Rimon. Sleeting rain kept them housebound much of the time. Willa was becoming more and more of a help, her clumsiness slowly disappearing. She was a cheerful child, still eager to please as a puppy, ready to cry at a harsh word, but delighted with any praise or comfort.
They went to Fort Freedom often, traveling as much as the roads allowed, and now Willa giggled with delight when the wagon was harnessed, eager to go anywhere Rimon and Kadi went.
Abel could not achieve healing mode before he came into need again, and so resigned himself to another kill. "The last, may it be God's will."
The next day, when Rimon and Kadi came over as planned, they found him looking worn out instead of fulfilled.
"Abel, you tried to keep from killing," said Kadi as they warmed themselves before the fire.
"I had to try," he replied.
"But it spoiled the kill for you. Here, let me help you—" Automatically, she held out her hands to him.
But before she could touch the older man, Rimon leaped between them, a surge of fury driving him to shove her savagely back. She would have fallen into the fire had Willa not caught her, whimpering in terror. For one blazing moment, Rimon perceived a ravening Raider about to snatch his Gen. Under attack, Abel flicked into battle mode, and that goaded Rimon on.
Then the older man's nager froze, throbbing with bewilderment. "Rimon, I'm not going to take her! I'm not in need. Zlin me!"
The tension suddenly drained from Rimon. "Shidoni, Abel, I'm sorry! I don't know what made me do that.'"
"It's all right," Abel said gently. "Nobody's going to take Kadi from you."
"Kadi!" He turned, stared. "Kadi, did I hurt you?"
"No, Rimon—you just startled me, that's all. If you don't want me to help Abel, then I won't. I'm sorry I upset you."
But he could feel the apology like gall in her throat. Then he couldn't zlin her emotion, but only the tight control she held on it. Control. That means she's lying again.
He turned. "Abel, I don't know what came over me. Of all the people in the world I can trust you to…" Unable to find words, he sat down dejectedly on the couch. "I—wonder if I'm going mad?"
"Of course not!" said Kadi, sitting beside him and putting her arm around his shoulders. But he could feel her uncertainty.
She looked to Abel for help, and he drew up a stool and sat cautiously before Rimon. "Son—look at me." Reluctantly, Rimon raised his eyes. "I know you didn't mean to attack me. I know you're upset because your actions seem irrational. But haven't you seen other Simes act irrationally when they haven't had satisfactory kills?"
"I've had—"
"No. Not for two months now. Willa—poor soulless creature. She can give you selyn, but not the caring Kadi gives you, that must take the place of killbliss. Two months without that—I don't know how you even survive it!"
"It started before I gave up Kadi's transfers," said Rimon. "You—you were there the first time I did something crazy. The night I attacked your son."
"Jord provoked you unforgivably."
"Rimon," said Kadi, "that's the night you discovered my pregnancy! Maybe as my body adjusts, it's affecting you!"
"That may be," Abel nodded. "We have much to learn."
"Yes," said Rimon, "and we'd better get started." Abel wasn't suffering the kind of wobbling imbalances Rimon usually suffered, but his nager was dulled. "You can't work in this condition, Abel. Let Kadi—"
"No," Abel said firmly.
"Why don't you try it with Willa?" Kadi suggested.
At the sound of her name, the girl got up from where she had been crouching before the fire and came to Kadi. She was calm now, as they had calmed down.
"Kadi's right," Rimon said eagerly. "Any Gen who's not scared can do it—even a child."
"I know," said Abel sadly. "I caught Drust Fenell doing it for Vee after her last kill and I didn't forbid it because of what you'd told me. But if she comes to depend on him, what will happen to Vee if Drust establishes and has to leave?"
"We're so close, Abel," said Kadi. "Surely Vee can live in hope until Drust can come home again."
He nodded. "I pray you are right—and we'll never learn if we don't try. Willa?"
He got up and turned to the girl, who smiled up at him. "Willa, I'm going to touch you—" He stopped in amazement as she placed her hands confidently on his outstretched forearms.
"I've been working with her," Rimon explained. "We don't want her ever to be frightened if—if anyone should try to take her."
Abel said, "Good girl." Willa smiled again as he extended his tentacles. As soon as they were firmly in place, Willa leaned forward expectantly, and with almost awed reverence, Abel bent his head to press his lips to hers. When he released her, his tension seemed to have gone, and he put his arm around her shoulders and guided her to sit beside Kadi, repeating, "Good girl, Willa," as if to a trained housepet.
He sat down then in his armchair and was silent for a moment. "She doesn't feel like Kadi—and yet there is a difference from the Gens we take. It must be the drugs," he concluded and Rimon and Kadi didn't suggest otherwise.
"Where's Del?" asked Rimon. "He ought to be here by now."
"I'm sorry," said Abel. "I forgot to tell you. He had a chance to sell some horses over at Ardo Pass. Carlana wanted to come and observe for us, but she is pregnant, too, and I don't think she should be involved in these emotional matters."
Rimon agreed. "Who's going to do it, then?"
Since Rimon couldn't observe his own field from outside, he couldn't tell if Abel were imitating his healing mode, so Del had been joining them, trying to zlin the differences between their fields. The results were frustrating; both Del and Abel insisted that Rimon's field became obscured by a bright nageric haze when he went into healing mode.
Now Abel sat, fingers steepled. "Rimon, I know that you and my son have had your differences. Yet Jord has more sensitivity than anyone but you. Perhaps he can zlin through that haze."
Rimon asked tensely, "You've spoken to Jord about this?"
"He asked me—some time ago. And the point of conflict between my son and me is that he thinks I'm deluding myself in saying the Pen-grown Gens have no souls. Can you not see that his desire to learn not to kill is all the more sincere for his belief?"
Rimon nodded. "Then by all means, Abel, let's have Jord work with us."
For the first time, Jord Veritt did not look sullen. He was determinedly polite at first, and then as they began to work he became eager; no longer acting, but caught up in what they were doing.
"No, Father, it's still not right," he said as Abel tried once more to imitate Rimon. "You've got to—to project like a Gen. Can't you just—project—"
"Project! You keep saying that!" Abel moved away in frustration. "What do you mean, project!"
"I've always thought of project," offered Kadi, "as the opposite of quell."