The doorman was a kind man who had been in the Darcys’ employ since the late seventies. He recognized the young woman from her last visit. “I’m sorry, Miss Bennet. Mr. Darcy is away and won’t be returning for a few weeks.”
Elizabeth was shocked at the disappointment she felt. She thanked the man and left the building, feeling completely adrift. Numbly, she returned to her truck, paid the huge bill, and started her drive home.
Automatically, she turned her radio on. She smiled when she heard Jane’s voice singing to her.
With a deep breath, Elizabeth accepted that she was going down. She couldn’t avoid it. She didn’t know where he was and couldn’t contact him for at least two weeks.
Oh, she knew in an emergency she could reach him, through Caroline or something, but this was hardly an emergency.
No, she had to face her worst demon now: herself. She had two weeks to do what Caroline told her to do: pull herself together and figure out what she wanted. She laughed to herself. She didn’t need two weeks. All she needed was twenty minutes. She wanted him.
The song ended and the announcer came on. “That’s Long Bourne Suffering, who really stole the show at the MTV awards last night. And you can see LBS. They are touring with Slurry now and they have dates coming up at Madison Square Garden at the end of this month. I’ve got tickets for that show for caller number twelve…”
The words died away but not the impression. It was a surprise to Elizabeth to realize that she had reached one of her goals. Her band was being talked about on a major radio station. Somewhere, during the tour, she had become a hit. Oh, they still had a long way to go, but they had made it.
Elizabeth found the knowledge puzzling. She had dreamed of this for so long and she had expected that when she made it, she would feel different, be different. She looked in her rearview mirror at her reflection.
The face she found there was basically the same, but as she stared, she found tiny differences. Mileage, the voice in her head told her. She wasn’t the same Lizzy Bennet who had left on tour back in March. But she wasn’t quite finished either.
The other thing that surprised her was how little her success meant to her. She was surprised and certainly happy. But she certainly wasn’t fulfilled as she had always imagined she would be. Success had proven to be not a panacea but merely a job. She received satisfaction from her job well done, but that only went so far. She found that she still needed something. She needed Darcy.
He wasn’t perfect, that was for sure, but she needed to talk to him. She needed to find out what she felt for him, to figure out if he was right.
With a deep breath she realized her train of thought had finally stopped. She had the answer she needed. And now she needed to wait.
Chapter 15
On Thursday Mrs. Bennet answered the phone at her home. “Oh hello, dear. No, I haven’t asked them yet.”
Elizabeth and Jane exchanged a look. They were enjoying a quiet dinner with their parents. Both of them could tell by their mother’s tone that Lydia, her baby, was on the phone and probably asking for a favor. Kitty and Lydia were working for their aunt and uncle as nannies over the summer.
“You know, dear, they don’t have much time off,” Mrs. Bennet spoke into the phone. “All right, all right, I’ll ask them.”
“That was Lydia,” Mrs. Bennet said, unnecessarily, as she hung up. “You know how they have been working so hard all summer, and their friends are going to the beach next week, and they wanted to know if one of you could fill in for them, so they could have a little vacation.”
Elizabeth rolled her eyes. Mary was away at the Tanglewood Music Center for an eight-week fellowship, which left her and Jane to cover for Kitty and Lydia. It was pointless for Elizabeth to remind her mother that she and Jane had been working hard for the past four months. She sighed and looked at Jane.
Jane’s expression surprised her. The deep sadness that had shadowed her since Tuesday lifted, and she smiled slightly. “Tell Lydia I’d be happy to go to Aunt Maddie’s.” Jane then looked to Elizabeth and winked.
Elizabeth considered her sister’s hint. She had to admit the idea had merit. Getting away from Mom and spending a week with her aunt would actually be more relaxing. Watching her young cousins would give her something to do besides thinking about Darcy and how she had screwed up with him. “I’ll come too,” she volunteered suddenly.
“Hey,” she said excitedly as a thought occurred to her, “we could go and stay with Aunt Maddie, and when Lydia and Kitty come back next weekend, we could go see Mary at Tanglewood.”
“That is an excellent idea, Lizzy,” Mr. Bennet pronounced. Elizabeth and Jane had been disappointed that they would be back on tour during Mary’s big performance at the end of her fellowship, but at least this way they could share some of the experience with her. Mrs. Bennet called the Gardiner household back to finalize the plans. After dinner, Elizabeth found Jane staring at the two bouquets of flowers sitting in vases in the living room. Both were of pure white roses. One arrived Wednesday, and the second had arrived today. The first card said simply, “I’m sorry”; today’s read, “Forgive me, please.” Neither had been signed, but that was unnecessary. Jane knew exactly whom they were from, as did Lizzy.
“Are you going to call him to let him know where to send tomorrow’s flowers?” Elizabeth teased gently.
Jane smiled slightly. The sadness was back on her face. “I don’t think so,” she answered vaguely.
“Jane,” Elizabeth said, all her concerns expressed in that one syllable, “you have to do something. You are so miserable, and I know Charles is too. I saw him at the De Bourgh party. He looked like he was dying.”
Jane looked up to her sister with gentle reproach in her eyes. “I don’t think it’s a good idea, Lizzy,” she said softly.
“Couldn’t you just talk to him?”
Jane shrugged. “And say what?” She looked away, shaking her head. “No, I made a mistake. I moved too fast, and I trusted him before I should have. Now I have to pay the price.” She held up a hand to stop Elizabeth, who was already drawing breath to protest. “I know; you think I should talk to him and let him explain. But I don’t trust him, Lizzy, and if I don’t trust him, how is anything he says going to make a difference?”
“But you love him.”
Jane closed her eyes for a long time, then she opened them slowly and said, “I thought I did. Maybe I do. I’m just not sure.” With a sad look, she left the flowers and went to her room to pack.
Elizabeth couldn’t be sure whom she felt worse for: herself or Jane. It was a tough call. She sat alone in her room and felt a pang of intense loneliness. She lay down on her bed, arranging the pillows so that, just for a second, she could try to believe she was back in the loft, in his bed, her head resting on his shoulder. She closed her eyes and tried to remember his scent and the sound of his heartbeat, the rise and fall of his chest against her cheek.