3. THE TAILS' CONFESSIONS
Tail A: I’m also highly intelligent and cultured. I’m not bad- tempered, and I’m very forbearing. In general, no matter the circumstances, I don’t alter my opinions. But this was obscene (I say obscene, because something was covered up behind it). I was hit by a deathblow and I was duped; my self-confidence wavered. What kind of person am I? Am I a useless idler who’s been following a decent couple every evening just to create rumors and then finally has gotten nothing? Are they really so decent? Could it be that I’ve tailed them night after night just to prove this little bit? Since I can’t prove what I wanted to prove, is it the other way around? Has it proved that I’m a jerk? In the beginning, I considered it a contest of wills. I was confident of victory. Now, I am less and less sure exactly what the problem is. No matter how hard I try, I can’t escape the circle of demons. Nothing is what it seems. I’m so utterly unnerved my shoes slipped off while I was running. Now I suspect I might have been deluded by a lie, that my talent might have been misused. What I’ve been doing is something like alchemy. Is tailing proper for one of my status?
Tail B: To begin with, I had no time to care about these two people’s whereabouts. Think about it: I had always been a tower of strength on the street. All the work was heaped on my head, and I was dead tired every day. I didn’t even have time for a noontime nap, for as soon as I closed my eyes, someone would come and yell at me to put up banners or wall newspapers or call the people together for a meeting. Sometimes, I wanted to sit down and have a cigarette, but I couldn’t because jealous people were always coveting my leadership position. I am a proud person. I wanted to do well in everything so that people would respect me. So where did I have the time and energy to be concerned with side issues? I throw myself wholeheartedly into whatever I do.
Now I want to charge these two rotten eggs with evildoing. No, I can’t stand it! It’s just too damnable! Like robbery, like a calamity. It leaves you speechless. Think about it: now I still haven’t made my mark in anything. I’m young and still single. I have a great future, but it’s far off. I’m not established in a job yet. I’m just full of beautiful fantasies, and then all of a sudden-these two rotten eggs! Who sent them to disturb our peaceful lives on Five Spice Street? Why do they swagger on the streets? And then lots of people started tailing them! Has this had any effect? Who dares to give this problem careful thought? All along, we’ve pretended to be ignorant of it! This is because all of us know our plight. Some have become so exhausted by this exasperating surveillance that they’ve fallen ill, and their lives are in danger! Yet, this isn’t the worst. The worst is that they persist in their old ways. You crumble in the face of such an attitude. Like a night owl, you scurry here and there, while they- absolutely unaware-saunter along at their leisure. Embarrassment and feelings of inferiority overwhelm you. You wobble, you see spots, you ache with fatigue, and you can never hope to get better- you just keep following them. You can’t expect quick success; you must even recognize that your efforts are in vain. You must recognize that your destiny is in their hands. Don’t imagine breaking free. Because I was tailing them, I asked Madam X what she thought about the wide-ranging efforts to tail her. ‘‘Early this morning,’’ she said, ‘‘I turned on the light and found the room filled with people sitting against the wall. The light forced them to narrow their eyes. One of them told me that they had lived in this room for years, observing me every day. They saw how overbearing I was, and that I’m cranky, impudent, and phony. Then he jumped on the table and began cursing loudly. He rushed at me and forced me to answer his questions. When he finished, he told me to go to the meeting hall. He said the meeting would result in a ‘new beginning.’ ’’
Madam X said that the ordinary people ‘‘perceived the minutest details.’’ She went out of her way to emphasize this. Wasn’t it clear what she meant? When did we begin to turn into fools? Not only had we turned into fools, but we also had no hope of shaking off this condition. The situation was clear enough. Maybe, if we stopped tailing them and took a live-and-let-live attitude, they would undergo an earthshaking change someday. Maybe we didn’t need to have so many people engaged in this activity. It might be all right if just one or two people handled it. But if everyone thought this way, no one would come. Also, if the two who did come thought this way, perhaps they would start making light of this whole matter. And in the instant we took such an attitude, a major problem would arise. That would really be too bad.
So, whether we wanted to or not, the only option was: we had to continue tailing them, like a pack of loyal dogs following their masters and secretly protecting them. Even if we were dead tired, we couldn’t let up in the slightest. This was foreordained by fate. Although we weren’t one bit happy about it, although we often grumbled that the road was bumpy, although we lost sleep over it, although we gained nothing from it, although it was uninteresting, we couldn’t extricate ourselves. As long as they went out, we were tied behind them. Sometimes, I can’t keep from asking myself: What on earth is this all about? How did these two characters become our masters? They’re nothing, and we always looked down on them, but unfortunately God likes to play games with people: the more you scoff at something, the more he will inflate its status, until your head is muddled and you busy yourself blindly with it. You can’t control yourself.
Tail C: I came up with a scheme once: I planned to take a certain action while Madam X was walking. Of course, I couldn’t do this alone: I needed the community’s agreement; otherwise, people would think I had evil intentions. I thought through the numerous difficulties in achieving a consensus: each person had his own notions, so if I tried too hard, others would hate me. They’d all drop what they were doing and run over to question me: What’s wrong with you? Do you want the glory for yourself alone? Do you think you are a prophet? How dare you cast everyone else to the side? As soon as they doubted me, they wouldn’t cooperate. Not only that, they would want to abandon everything and would leave no stone unturned in wrecking my scheme. I had originally intended to announce my ideal scheme to the people, but as soon as I realized what this might lead to, my spirits sagged. It would be better for me to bury the scheme deep inside myself and wait for the whole thing to wind down on its own. As I saw it, this was the only way. Nobody could even think about taking advantage of me.
Every night, I’d stretch out on the canvas lounge chair and reflect on my unpredictable fate, on my extraordinary self-control, and on my character, which ran deeper by the day. I couldn’t help choking up. The crowds’ emotions were the hardest thing to figure out: one misstep might put you at odds with them. When I was young, I made numerous such mistakes. Now, of course, the situation was quite the reverse. I had done my utmost to appear ordinary, dull, and undistinguished throughout the process. I had been extremely careful not to overstep the limit. I had gone with the flow. No one knew my true ideas, even though the one I harbored was ingenious! This is why I never doubted that my work was useful and why I could be so selfassured. Without a spiritual pillar sustaining him, a person might as well be a walking corpse. When I saw how anxiety-ridden and how indecisive the people were, I became aware of my good fortune. I easily saw their mistakes. Sometimes, I wanted to roar at them. Unfortunately, mortals are always so short-sighted and ignorant of life. For most, thinking straight is like roosters laying eggs.
I felt keenly that this world lacked people with ideals and aspirations. Mediocrity was everywhere. Every project was left unfinished. All the talent died before it could be born. The future was hopeless. What a frustrating world! I’m not a pessimist: I’m just a fighter constantly striving to become stronger in today’s reality. Look at everything I do, and you’ll agree.