“I know. That’s all right.” Her hold on him stayed strong, but he could feel tension begin to ease from her body. Matt didn’t take his hand away for a second.
After a few minutes, Julie shivered a bit.
“Cold?” he asked.
“Yeah. A little.”
He slid his legs, and they moved together so that Julie was on her side, under the blanket with him, and resting her head in the crook of his hold. Matt stroked her arm, running his hand up and down, over and over. Her body pressed against his felt like the most natural thing in the world, and the way she fit against him as though they were made for this embrace was overwhelming. She took his hand in hers, intertwining their fingers, and squeezed.
He squeezed back.
“So we’re still friends?” she asked.
Friends. The worst word. But he would take it, because it was the most important thing. “Yes,” he said after a moment. “We’re still friends.”
Julie yawned. Their fight had drained both of them, and Matt wanted her to get some sleep. She had been through a lot tonight, too. And if she stayed awake any longer, she would come to her senses and leave. He slowed his touch over her arm and shoulder and listened to her breathing change as she drifted off in his arms.
If he fell asleep, he would miss this. So he stayed awake and spent the next two hours trying to memorize what her body felt like next to his. When the truth came out, when his many lies were exposed, she would hate him for what he had done to her. She was worth so much more than his cowardice.
If things were different, if he could go back and do this right.
If Finn hadn’t died, if Celeste weren’t so troubled, if his parents weren’t withdrawn and stuck on compartmentalizing everything….
But Matt was the one to blame. He could have stopped this mess with Julie before it ever started. If he’d been strong enough.
Too many ifs.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered into the dark. Matt brought his lips to the top of her head and lightly kissed her.
Julie lifted her head slightly.
“God, I’m so sorry, Julie,” he murmured.
“Me too,” she said.
Julie raised her head more, bringing her mouth by his. He couldn’t breathe. What was she doing? She couldn’t be…. But she was, because she put her lips to his. They held still, delaying the moment that could change everything. They shouldn’t do this. It would be a mistake.
Matt placed his hand firmly on her waist and pulled her up. And then he kissed her. Her lips were incredible, and their kiss gentle and unhurried. He moved his tongue against hers, and she pressed her mouth harder against his, her response heating up their connection. Then she slid her leg over his and pressed her waist against him, bringing them even closer together. Her body moved up, her chest now against him, and he put his hand to her lower back, raking his fingers against her skin. Julie slid a hand behind his head and pulled him in even more. The heat and the intensity between them grew. Too fast.
Matt didn’t want to stop, and it was clear Julie didn’t either. More than anything, he wanted to roll her onto her back, and to take this further. He would slowly ease off her clothes. He would hold his body over hers, kissing her for ages, only eventually pulling away from her lips to work his mouth down her neck, over her chest, her stomach. Lower. He wanted to make love to her, to show her how adored she really was.
Julie’s breathing was picking up as he continued to kiss her, teasing her with his tongue, coaxing her into response. She wanted him, it was easy to tell. And he wanted her more than he ever could have imagined. This was not Julie with Finn. This was Julie with Matt.
He knew they could keep going. Given how she was moving against him, she wouldn’t stop it.
So he had to. Because Julie with Matt was too complicated. She didn’t know what she was doing. Her first time couldn’t be like this. Matt would never do that to her. This was not about just sex, although she had to be aware of how turned on he was….
He squeezed her hand one more time and pulled from her kiss, resting his head back on the pillow. He looked at her as he tucked her hair behind her ear. It was good that he had just stopped things because he saw enough shock and confusion in Julie’s eyes as it was.
She would probably come to her senses and leave now. Their fight, their horrible exchange of words out in the hall…. That was the reason for this late-night fooling around. It had to be. Feelings got mixed up in the aftermath of their fight. That was all. She loved the idea of Finn, not the idea of Matt.
But she didn’t leave. She put her head back on his chest. Matt wrapped his arms around her. Fall in love with me, Julie, as I fell in love with you, he willed her. Fall in love, fall in love, fall in love….
Only for tonight, they belonged to each other, so he would stay awake.
Even if this closeness was just a result of mending what broke during their fight, he would take this excuse to stay next to Julie, the girl who had an irrevocable hold on his heart.
He would save her having to wake up with him. He wouldn’t leave her until she started to stir. Then he would ease his body away, slip downstairs, and this would be over.
The Jump
Flat-Out Love Chapter 32 retold
Matt Watkins Sometimes I feel depressed that I've wasted so much time, and I'm still no closer to discovering the resonant frequency of the human head.
Julie Seagle just “checked in” to your heart.
Years ago, Finn told Matt what he should do. Let your world as you know it be blown to bits because you fall heart-crushingly head-over-heels for someone. Matt had done that. And then he’d fought as hard as he could not to lose her that day last spring when Julie walked out of his life. He’d fought as hard as he could, and it didn’t help. His conversation with Julie—when the truth came out and when he begged her to stay—played over and over in his head all summer. Her words kept him up at night.
This was never going to end well. You realize that, don’t you?
And you’re so broken.
And you hurt me.
We’re not anything, Matt. Not after this.
You’ve broken my heart twice.
Nothing that happened has been true.
If you loved me, you couldn’t have done this. You couldn’t have been so careless with me. You know pain and loss and hurt better than anyone. And that’s what you gave me. I know that it’s not the same. I know yours is worse. I’m so sorry for you, Matt. For your whole family. You’ve all been through hell. And you’ve been braver than anyone could. But I hurt now too. And I can’t love you.
Matt had kissed her, poured out his heart, pleaded with her to give them a chance. He threw everything he had on the table, and Julie left him anyway. Matt didn’t blame her.
He wrote to her many times, hoping that communicating by e-mail would be easier and that he might be able to reach her. She was worth the pain it took to write her because he would never love anyone this deeply. The only response he got was one message asking him not to be the one to bring Celeste to any of the meet-ups with Julie. Eventually he stopped writing. He finally accepted that she would never love him.
So he let her go.
But then this morning, she came to Celeste’s going-away party for Flat Finn. He knew she would be there, and he expected her to be tactful but cool. She wasn’t a vicious person, but she clearly wasn’t coming to the party for him. So he prepared himself to be as polite as she would surely be, and he also prepared to have his heart torn out again.