Shit. That’s not what I meant to ask.
She stopped walking, a quizzical expression on her face.
Bergen could almost feel the Squid’s tentacles insinuating themselves inside his brain. He concentrated on keeping him locked out, but it might have been too late.
Her face had gone pale. Was she feeling guilty? “Alan? I haven’t meant to hurt you—”
His teeth clenched. He made his lips form words. They sounded angry to his ears and he didn’t know why. “You haven’t hurt me! Goddamn it!”
“It’s not that I don’t want…there’s a lot on my plate. This transition has been difficult. I thought you understood that. I’m trying to adjust. I’m trying to make important decisions. This isn’t just about us.”
He stared at her, trying to process her words, her tone, but he was seething with feelings.
“You’re shutting me out.” He flinched. Why did that just sound like an accusation?
She shook her head. Her tone turned plaintive. “No. Never. You shut me out and you know it.”
He took a step back from her, his heart hammering painfully against his ribcage. “I shut the Squid out. Isn’t there a difference, Jane?”
She looked hurt and he regretted the words instantly.
Her expression hardened. “I don’t have the energy for this, right now. Your timing couldn’t be worse—”
Was it his imagination? Had she just swallowed down the words, “as usual?” Or had the squid jumped in and subtly fed the suggestion of them to him to start shit? Did it matter?
His heart screamed, Grab her! Kiss her! Tell her—we can have it all!
He nodded and worked his jaw. “Right. Never mind.”
“Alan, please try to understand. Now…just might not be…our time.”
He stared at her pained expression a moment longer, then turned and walked away, alone.
28
Jane glanced at the bridge’s view screen as it flickered to life. Displaying primarily a dark field without stars, only a slender crescent of light shimmered on one side. She’d put the ship in a holding pattern, hovering on the far side of the moon.
It seemed sensible to keep considerable distance between the Speroancora and Earth for the time being. It was unlikely that anyone was aware of their current location besides the U.S. government. Others might have satellite data, but wouldn’t be able to render that data into anything meaningful for weeks or months. By then, she’d be long gone.
She was acutely aware of Bergen leaning against the wall at the back of the room, arms folded, exuding indifference and disdain. She felt a pang of regret. She hated putting him off again, but there were so many reasons she felt like she’d done the right thing.
When he’d come to her door, looking twitchy and shy, she’d wanted nothing more than to melt into his arms. But now was not a good time to be distracted by a new relationship. She couldn’t possibly give him the attention he deserved. His interactions with Ei’Brai bordered on hostile. He was needed on Earth. It was all so complicated.
Above all else…she wanted him to be able to choose freely, not get pulled into something he didn’t really want. That thought lingered uncomfortably until she forced herself to stay rooted in the here and now.
The others were milling around, talking in low tones, their thoughts full of images of home and family, their excitement contagious. The entire Providence crew was present, except Walsh, who was still in the sanalabreum, recovering. He’d be out soon.
Compton had been the first of them to emerge. Shortly after the ionic burst, the tank drained spontaneously, leaving a naked, bewildered Thomas Compton blinking up at her from the bottom. She’d just slipped Ajaya into her own tank when she felt the alert and turned to peer down at him. He looked a full ten years younger and said he never felt better. The joy she’d felt in that moment was incomparable. It was a lightening and lifting moment.
Now Compton was clapping Gibbs on the back as they bickered about what they should have as their first meal when they got back to Earth. It was refreshingly normal.
Gibbs guffawed. “Come on Pops, let’s grab a steak! Or at least something good, like sushi. Why you wanna eat your old-man food, first thing?”
Compton rolled his eyes and chuckled. “You’ve never had Mia’s pot roast and mashed potatoes or you wouldn’t talk like that.”
“Korean barbecue? Work with me here!” Gibbs exclaimed.
Jane stifled a smile and silenced them with a look. It was time. They came to attention and a view of Mission Control came up on the screen. A quick scan told her all of the leadership was present and accounted for.
She had transmitted detailed mission reports from each crew member to Earth a few days before. This was to be a Q and A session to go over those reports and to flesh out what was going to happen next.
Gordon Bonham, NASA Administrator and two-star general, stepped forward and nodded gravely, his eyes shrewdly flicking over a monitor off-screen. “Providence crew, it’s good to see you looking so well. I don’t see Commander Walsh among you.”
Jane lifted her chin. “Commander Walsh is still under treatment for the illness discussed in my report, General Bonham. This—” She paused, closing her eyes briefly to instruct Ei’Brai to change the video feed. “—is an image of the chamber he occupies currently. He cannot respond to you, but you can see he is alive and well.”
Bonham appeared to be unfazed, but many of the others surrounding him did not have the same level of self-control. There were a few gasps, some looks of dismay, and knit brows among most of the remainder.
Bonham turned back to the camera with a skeptical look. “It’s my understanding that every one of you has been inside one of these devices within the last month. Dr. Varma, you described the experience very thoroughly in your report. Do you have anything you’d like to add?”
Ajaya still stood at attention. “No, sir. My report stands as written.”
Bonham pursed his lips and picked up a piece of paper. “Your FGF code, Dr. Varma?”
It was a code, unique to each one of them, that they’d been ordered to memorize and not share with another soul. Bonham was trying to determine if it was really Ajaya he was talking to.
Compton’s change in appearance must be evident, even to them.
Ajaya rattled off the 20 digit alpha-numeric code without hesitation. A few beads of sweat pricked at Jane’s hairline. It’d been a year since she’d last thought through her own code.
Bonham’s eyes followed along on the sheet of paper as Ajaya recited the code. When she finished, he nodded briefly and set the paper aside. He folded his arms and tilted his head to one side. “Can you come any closer to the camera, Dr. Varma?”
Ajaya strode forward several feet.
Bonham nodded again, his eyes smoldering with intensity. “Dr. Varma, is Dr. Holloway sound in mind and body?”
Jane stared straight ahead.
Ajaya responded immediately. “Sir, Dr. Holloway has been nothing short of honorable and brave.”
Bonham’s eyes narrowed. That wasn’t the answer he wanted. “She’s capable of flying that ship, without any training or experience—with just her thoughts? Do I have that right?”
Jane cut in, “Not precisely, no.”
Bonham folded his arms and nodded Ajaya’s dismissal. “Edify me, Dr. Holloway.”
Jane did not allow her expression to change. “It’s all in the document I transmitted to you. The knowledge needed to do these things was freely given to me. And I’m not doing it alone. I have the assistance of the Kubodera, Ei’Brai. We spoke often of the Clarke quote in Houston, if you remember.”
“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”