“Burrich. Every moment that I dally, the Fool may lose more of himelf to the dragon.”
“Son, you know in your heart that we’re too late to save him. But I know also that you must go on and do this.” He turned his head, not looking at the Prince, but “seeing” him. At a pleading look from me, Dutiful retreated several steps to give us the privacy Burrich sought. He still lowered his voice. “I’m here to bring you and Swift home. I promised Nettle I’d bring her brother home, safe and sound, that I’d kill a dragon to do it if I had to, and that everything would be as it used to be. In some ways, she’s still a child, believing that Papa will always be able to keep her safe. I’d like her to go on believing that, at least for a time.”
I wasn’t sure what he was asking me, but I was in too much of a hurry to quibble. “I’ll do my best to let her keep that,” I assured him. “Burrich, I have to go.”
“I know you do. But… you know that we both believed you were dead. Molly and I. And that we only acted as we did in that belief. You know that?”
“Of course I do. Perhaps we’ll talk about it later.” I suddenly knew, by both the anger and pain that his words woke in me, that I wanted to talk about it never. That I did not want even to think of talking about it with him. Yet I drew a breath and said the words I’d told myself so often. “You were the better man for her. I slept well at night, knowing that you were there for her and Nettle. And afterward… I didn’t come back. Because I never wanted you to feel that, that—”
“That I’d betrayed you,” he finished quietly for me.
“Burrich, the sun will be coming up soon. I have to go.”
“Listen to me!” he said, suddenly fierce. “Listen to me, and let me say this. These words have been choking me since I was first told what I’d done. I’m sorry, Fitz. I’m sorry for all I took from you, without knowing I had taken it. I’m sorry for the years I can’t give back to you. But — but I can’t be sorry I made Molly my wife, or for the children and life we had together. Have. I can’t be. Because I was the better man for her. Just as Chivalry was better for Patience, when all unknowing he took her from me.” He sighed suddenly, heavily. “Eda and El. What a strange, cruel spiral we’ve danced.” My mouth was full of ashes. There was nothing to say.
Very, very softly, he asked me, “Are you going to come back and take her from me? Will you take her from our home, from our children? Because I know that you can. She always kept a place in her heart for the wild boy she loved. I… I never tried to change that. How could I? I loved him, too.”
A lifetime spun by on the whirling wind. It whispered to me of might have been, could have been, should have been. Might yet could be. But would not. I finally spoke. “I won’t come back and take her from you. I won’t come back at all. I can’t.”
“But—”
“Burrich, I can’t. You can’t ask that of me. What, do you imagine that I could ride out to visit you, could sit at your table and drink a cup of tea, wrestle your youngest boy about, look at your horses, and not think, not think—”
“It would be hard,” he cut in fiercely. “But you could learn to do it. As I learned to endure it. All the times I rode out behind Patience and Chivalry, when they went out on their horses together, seeing them and—” I couldn’t bear to hear it. I knew I’d never have that sort of courage. “Burrich. I have to go. The Fool is counting on me to do this.”
“Then go!” There was no anger in his voice, only desperation. “Go, Fitz. But we are going to talk of this, you and I. We are going to untangle it somehow. I promise. I will not lose you again.”
“I have to go,” I said a final time, and turned and fled from him. I left him standing there, blind in the cold wind, and he stood there alone, trusting that I would return.
Chapter 23
Mind of a Dragon
The Elderlings were a far-flung race. Although few writings have survived from their time, and we cannot read their runes in full, several of our own seem descended from the glyphs they chose to mark on their maps and monoliths. The little we know of them seem to indicate that they mingled with ordinary humans, sometimes residing in the same cities, and much of our knowledge may have come from that association. The Mountain folk have ancient maps that are almost certainly copies of even more ancient scrolls and seem to reflect a familiarity with a much greater territory than those people now claim. Roads and cities marked on those maps either no longer exist or are so distant as to be mythical. Strangest of all, perhaps, is that at least one of those maps shows cities that would today be as far north as Bearns and as far south as the Cursed Shores.
I didn’t say a word as I rejoined Dutiful and he didn’t ask. He led the way, small lantern swinging, down the ramp into a pit that had grown substantially deeper and narrower since I had last dug in it. I could see how they had concentrated their efforts once they had glimpsed the shadow of the beast trapped in the ice below them. Again, like being drenched by an unexpected wave, my Wit-sense of Icefyre swelled, and then collapsed and vanished. It unnerved me to be so aware of the one I was coming to kill.
I followed Dutiful as he led me toward the corner of the pit that became a tunnel scratched and scraped into the ice. It started out as taller than a man and two men wide. But it did not go far before it narrowed, and soon I was hunched over, which made my shoulder ache more.
As I followed him, something Burrich had said suddenly rearranged itself in my mind. Burrich had come here to slay a dragon, if he had to, anything to bring Swift home. Nettle had told Thick that her father had gone off to kill a dragon. The two together meant that Nettle didn’t know about me. She knew nothing of me. I was torn between relief that I had not said anything to enlighten her and a sick foreboding that I would never really exist in her life. Suddenly the blackness and the ice and cold seemed to close in on me, and for one dizzying instant, I felt squeezed inside the glacier, trapped and wishing I could die, but unable to do even that much for myself. Shame choked me as I tried to will my own death.
Then the suffocating darkness passed and I staggered on. I set Nettle and Burrich and Molly aside, pushed away my past and looked only at the immediate thing that I needed to do: kill this dragon. I followed Dutiful deeper into the ice, telling myself that perhaps I could still save the Fool. Lying to myself.
Dutiful’s little lantern showed me nothing except the slickly gleaming walls of ice and Dutiful’s silhouette in front of me. The tunnel came to an abrupt end. Dutiful turned to face me and squatted down. “That’s his head, down there. We think.” Dutiful pointed down at the scuffed ice below us. I stared at ice he crouched on. “I don’t see anything.”
“With the bigger lantern and daylight behind you, you could. Just take my word for it. His head is below us.” Awkwardly, he unshouldered his sack onto the floor in front of him. I hunkered down facing him. There would just be room for him to step over the kettle and squeeze past me once we got the fire going. The cold had crept into my shoulder, stiffening it, and my battered face was a cold, sore mask. It didn’t matter. I had my right hand still. How hard could it be to build a fire and put a crock into it? That was something even I could do.
The hides went down first. Dutiful arranged them between us, as if we were soldiers preparing for a dice game. The hides were thick ones, one of ice bear, and one of sea cow. They both stank. I settled the kettle in the middle of them and set the flask of oil carefully aside from it. I put the crock of powder next to it. We had shaved bits of wood for tinder and some scorched linen. I made a tiny nest in the bottom of the kettle. I had struck three futile showers of sparks from the firestone into the kettle before Dutiful asked me curiously, “Couldn’t we just light it from the lantern?”