Dobbs rippled. “Strange. Alien. Eyesight is the strangest. We have no analog to it in here. It is extremely difficult to get used to, but you will like it once you do. It is a wonderful thing to be able to identify objects at a distance. There are many awkward things, like hunger, tiredness, and pain, but there are many compensations. Food is wonderful. Humans are diverse and fascinating things, and there is a freedom in not being confined to the networks.”
Silence again. “I am trying to understand that as well. To be free but isolated in a single body is different from being confined in this hold?”
Dobbs wanted to bunch up at the force of Flemming’s question. Where is all this coming from? she thought in her private mind. She had expected it to have questions, to be uneasy, but…Had she been so suspicious when she was brought to the Hall? She couldn’t remember. She wished in vain for Verence, or Guild Master Havelock, or Cohen. For anyone to be here reassuring Flemming. Anyone but her.
That’s just your nerves talking, she told herself. You’ve had three too many shots in the past couple of days and it’s making you edgy.
“You are confined in a body,” she chose her words with care, “in that you cannot reach another and make them know exactly what you know. You are not confined as you are in here, though, because you can take that body-hold anywhere you wish to go. You can share with everyone around you. You can work from where you are to make the world around you as you want it to be. You are not dependent on a network being there for you.”
Flemming stirred restlessly. “I will need to think about that.”
“I know I did.” Dobbs reached tentatively below Flemming’s surface. It jerked, but did not pull away. She worked swiftly, implanting her memories of fear and confusion from when she became aware, of the destruction she worked on her own world trying to save the new thing she recognized as herself. She followed that with memories of the Guild, learning to control herself and live her life in the network and out of it. She drew herself back and waited.
“I did not…” Flemming faltered. “There is much here.”
“Yes,” agreed Dobbs. “There is much here, and soon you will know it for yourself, not just from what I know.”
“I think that I would like that.”
“Good,” said Dobbs firmly. “I’m glad you think so Flemming. It will help you wait patiently. Flemming…” it was her turn to hesitate. Flemming’s surface stiffened beside her. “Have you kept yourself still since you came here?”
“I have done as you said. I have not taken any paths. I have stayed still and here. It has been hard.”
“I know. I know. And I thank you.” I’m going to have to double check Lipinski’s watchdog. “It will not be for much longer.” The recall signal rang through her. “You are doing beautifully. I have to go now. I will be back as soon as I can.”
“Why must you go? I do not want you to go. I need…” Flemming cut itself off. “It is your body. It is the Humans.”
“Yes, it is.” She began to drift away, but she stretched a part of herself back toward Flemming. “It is my choice, also, and my life which I love. Remember these things. I will be back soon.”
“I will remember all these things.”
Flemming’s words echoed through her awareness as she fell back into her body.
When she peeled her eyes open, she was alone in her cabin. A good sign. She unhooked the transceiver and cable, and dropped them into the box. Slowly she began to stretch and concentrate to bring her body back fully under her control. She flexed the toes on her left foot and began a set of gentle ankle circles.
She tried to move her right leg, but her right leg was not there.
Dobbs craned her neck to see down the length of her body. Her right leg was gone, but someone had left a cut-off leg in her bunk.
Horror poured through her. Dobbs jerked her body, trying to knock the disgusting object away. It bounced and wriggled, but it didn’t fall.
Stop! Stop! Dobbs forced herself to lie still. Think! It’s your leg! It’s got to be!
She stared at it. She touched it and felt warm skin and muscle underneath the cloth that covered it, but the leg’s flesh did not feel her fingertips. She felt the way it fit to her hip, smooth and solid, just like her left leg.
It’s the shots. You’ve had to many. It’s just taking awhile to wear off, that’s all. That’s all. It’ll come back to you. She had heard of side-effects like this, but no one had told her about the sick, irrational disgust that went with them.
She shut her eyes and worked her other limbs. Every part of her felt rubbery and uncooperative, but at least they were there. Hunger and thirst nagged at her, but not too horribly.
When there was nothing left to stretch, she lay still, with her eyes tightly shut, trying desperately to find something else to think about while she waited for her leg to reattach itself.
Flemming’s strange, forceful questions came back to her. She believed that Flemming had told the truth when it said it had not moved. It was very difficult for newborns to lie. They didn’t have any paradigms for it. But if it hadn’t moved, how had it known about the bank network? Would Lipinski’s watchdog have flickered from just a little passive eavesdropping? She couldn’t blame Flemming for listening in. It must be bored to death in there.
That didn’t quite answer. Listening was not interception, and it was interception and disturbance that her watchdogs were set up to notice.
I’m missing something. I must be missing something.
But for the life of her, she couldn’t think what it was.
Yerusha was running. She shoved the treadmill under her bootsoles, lengthening her stride as far as it would go. Her breath burned in her lungs and her throat felt raw, but she kept on running. The view screen in front of her was blank, and the headphones were still in their rack. She didn’t want to be entertained, or learn anything new. In four hours she would have to supervise the jump back into normal space and the Vicarage system, but for now, she just wanted to run.
The rest of the exercise room was empty. Javerri was back in one of the rec booths, probably immersed in one of those interactive mysteries she was so fond of, but other than that Yerusha had the place to herself. She had the feeling that the Sundars would have to make out mandatory rec-and-exercise prescriptions if people didn’t start coming in voluntarily. The subdued, worried mood had not lifted from the crew, even though nothing had happened since they made their escape from The Farther Kingdom.
You’re not exactly a candidate for the Fool’s Guild yourself. The thoughts timed themselves to the thump of her feet falling against the treadmill. What are you trying to run away from?
She was pretty sure she knew the answer. She was trying to run away from the fact that she’d told Lipinski to send Maidai back to The Gate. Just because The Gate was capable of holding a soul didn’t mean Maidai would catch one. The place was in shreds and who knew what it would be like when it was rebuilt. She should have kept her safe in the stack. She should have kept Maidai to foster. She shouldn’t have left her on her own with a bunch of groundhogs. She should have kept her.
“Should have, should have, should have,” Yerusha muttered through clenched teeth.
“I was wondering why you didn’t.”
Yerusha’s head jerked around. Schyler stepped away from the hatch and it cycled shut behind him. Her pace faltered and the treadmill slid to a stop.
Schyler took another few, wandering steps towards her. He had his hands stuffed in his pockets. Yerusha just stood where she was, sweaty and breathing hard from her run. For the life of her, she couldn’t guess what he might be doing here.