‘How are you feeling?’
I attempt a bright, cheerful smile and the ache in my throat intensifies. ‘Fine! It was just a stupid panic attack.’
I want to make some kind of joke, but instead I feel a sudden tremor in my chin. I pull a face to disguise it.
Her smile fades. ‘Perhaps I should leave you in peace for a little while—’
‘No!’ The word comes out louder than I intended. Heat rushing to my face, I force a desperate smile. ‘I just mean, now that we’ve got some time off, perhaps we should – you know – hang out together, l-like old times. Unless of course you’ve got homework to do or something . . .’
A hint of amusement touches her lips. ‘Yeah, right. I’m not about to waste an afternoon off school on homework, Lochan James Whitely!’
Closing the door behind her, she curls up in the armchair. ‘So, what are we watching?’
I grab the remote and fumble with the buttons. ‘Uh – well – surely there’s something other than CBeebies . . . How about this?’ I stop channel-flicking when I reach an old episode of Friends and look at Maya for approval.
She gives me another of her sad smiles. ‘Great.’
Canned laughter fills the room but neither of us seem able to join in. The episode drags on and on. I am painfully aware that the two of us, alone together, have absolutely nothing to say to each other. Has our friendship been shattered too?
I want to ask her, beg her, to tell me what’s going on inside her head. I want to try and explain what was going on in my head that night, why I reacted like such a bastard. But I can’t even turn to look at her. I feel her eyes, full of concern, on my face. And I’m sinking in a quicksand of despair.
‘D’you want to talk about it?’ Her voice, soft with concern, makes me start. Suddenly I’m aware of the pain from biting my lip, the weight of the tears that have slowly been accumulating in my eyes.
With a panicked breath I quickly shake my head, raising a hand to my face. I press my fingers briefly against my eyes and shake my head dismissively. ‘I’m just feeling a bit weird from before.’ Straining to keep my voice steady, I can still hear its jagged edge. Turning, I force myself to meet her stricken gaze with a desperate smile. ‘But I’m fine now. It’s nothing. Really.’
After a moment’s hesitation she gets up and comes over to sit on the opposite end of the couch, one foot tucked beneath her, auburn wisps framing her pale face.
‘Come on, silly, it’s not nothing if it’s making you cry.’ The words hang in the air, her concern swelling the silence.
‘I’m not – it’s not—!’ I reply hotly, cheeks ablaze. ‘It’s just – I’m just—’ I take a deep breath, frantic to deflect her worry, to pull myself together. The last thing I want is for her to know how devastated I am at having lost her, for her to feel any pressure to resume a relationship that, in her mind, is fundamentally wrong.
She hasn’t moved. ‘You’re just what?’ she asks gently.
I clear my throat and raise my eyes to the ceiling, forcing a short, painful laugh. I run my sleeve rapidly across my eyes as, to my horror, a tear glances off my cheek.
‘Do you want to try to go to sleep for a bit?’
The concern in her voice is killing me. ‘No. I don’t know. I think – I think . . . Oh, for fuck sake—!’ Another tear falls down my cheek and I swipe at it furiously. ‘Shit! What is this?’
‘Lochie, tell me. What happened? What happened at school?’ Sounding aghast, she leans towards me, reaching out to touch me.
I immediately raise my arm to deflect her. ‘Just give me a minute!’ I can’t halt this – there’s nothing I can do. My chest shudders with repressed sobs. I cup my hands over my face and try holding my breath.
‘Lochie, it’s going to be all right. Please don’t . . .’ Her voice is softly imploring.
The air bursts from my lungs. ‘Goddamnit, I’m trying, OK? I can’t – I j-just can’t seem able to—’ I’m out of control now and it terrifies me. I don’t want Maya to witness this. But neither do I want her to go. I need to get off this couch, out of this house, but my legs won’t obey me. I’m trapped. I can feel the blind panic descending again.
‘Hey, hey, hey.’ Maya firmly takes my hand in one of hers and cups my cheek with her other. ‘Shh. It’s OK, it’s OK. Just a build-up of stress, Lochie, that’s all. Look at me. Look at me. Was it the argument? Was it? Can we talk about that a little bit?’
I’m too tired to fight any more. I feel my torso crumple, slowly tilting towards her until the side of my head rests against hers, my hand covering my face. She strokes my hair and, reaching for my other hand, starts kissing my fingers.
‘In – in the cemetery,’ I choke, closing my eyes. ‘Please just tell me the truth. W-what you said, was it – was it true?’ I breathe deeply, hot tears escaping from beneath my lashes.
‘God, Lochie, no,’ she gasps. ‘Of course it wasn’t! I was just angry and upset!’
Relief floods through me, so strong it almost hurts. ‘Maya, Jesus, I thought it was all over. I thought I’d ruined everything.’ I straighten up, breathing hard, rubbing my face fiercely. ‘I’m so sorry! All that horrible stuff I said. I just totally freaked out. I thought you wanted to – I thought you were going to—’
‘I just wanted to touch you,’ she says quietly. ‘I know we can never go all the way. I know it’s illegal. I know the kids could be taken away if anyone found out. But I thought we could still touch each other, still love each other in other ways.’
I take a frantic breath. ‘I know. Me too. Me too! But we have to be so careful. We can’t get carried away. We can’t – we can’t risk . . . The kids . . .’
I see the sadness in her eyes. It makes me want to scream. It’s so unfair, so horribly unfair.
‘Maybe one day, hey?’ Maya says softly with a smile. ‘One day, when they’ve grown up, we can run away. Start anew. As a real couple. No longer brother and sister. Free from these awful ties.’
I nod, desperately trying to share in some of her hope for the future. ‘Maybe. Yes.’
She gives a tired smile and wraps her arms around my neck, resting her cheek against my shoulder.
‘And until then we can still be together. We can hold each other and touch each other and kiss each other and be with each other in every other way.’
I nod and smile through the tears, suddenly realizing how much we do have. ‘As well as the most important thing of all,’ I whisper.
The corner of her mouth twitches. ‘What’s that then?’
Still smiling, I blink rapidly. ‘We can love each other.’ I swallow hard to ease the constriction in my throat. ‘There are no laws, no boundaries on feelings. We can love each other as much and as deeply as we want. No one, Maya, no one can ever take that away from us.’
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Maya
‘How come it’s you today?’
‘Because Lochan’s not feeling very well.’
‘Did he throw up?’ Willa flicks her long fair hair back behind her shoulders and the tiny gold studs in her ears sparkle in the fading afternoon sun. Remnants of custard dapple the front of her pinafore and she is without her cardigan again.
‘No, no. Nothing serious like that.’
‘Throwing up isn’t serious. Mummy does it all the time.’
Ignoring this last comment, I turn my attention to her clothes. ‘Willa, will you do up your coat? It’s freezing!’
‘Can’t. The buttons are gone.’
‘All of them? You should have told me!’
‘I did. Miss Pierce says I’m not allowed sellotape on my book bag too. She says I have to get a new one.’ She takes my hand and we cross the playground to the football area, where Tiffin is tearing around half undressed with a dozen other boys. ‘And we’re not allowed holes in our tights. I got told off in front of the whole of assembly.’