‘So has she broken her arm, or what?’ Despite the nonchalant tone of his voice, I recognize a spark of worry in his eyes as he glances up at me from his Gameboy. I push his legs to one side to make room on his mattress and sit down beside his sprawled-out figure.
‘She hasn’t actually broken anything.’ I explain about the dislocated shoulder.
‘Yeah. Tiff said Loch lost his temper and pulled Willa off the kitchen counter.’ His face darkens suddenly.
I pull my knees to my chest and take a deep breath. ‘Kit, you know it was an accident. You know Lochan would never hurt Willa intentionally, don’t you?’ My voice is questioning, serious. I know the answer, I know he does too, but I need him to be honest with me for a moment and actually admit it.
Kit takes a breath, ready for a sarcastic retort, but then seems to hesitate as his gaze locks into mine. ‘Yeah,’ he confesses after a moment, a hint of defeat in his voice.
‘I know you’re angry,’ I say quietly, ‘about how things turned out with Mum and Dad, about Lochan and me always being the ones in charge – and Kit, you have every right to be . . . but you know what the alternative is.’
His eyes have slid away, back to his Gameboy, uncomfortable about the sudden change in conversation.
‘If Social Services found out that Mum was no longer living at home, that we were on our own—’
‘Yeah, yeah, I know,’ he interrupts gruffly, pounding the buttons of his games console viciously with his thumbs. ‘We’d be taken into care and split up and all that shit.’ His voice sounds fed up and angry, but I can sense the fear behind it.
‘It’s not going to happen, Kit,’ I reassure him quickly. ‘Lochan and I will make sure of that, I promise. But it does mean we have to be careful, really careful, about what we say to other people. Even if it’s just some mate at school. All it would take would be for him to mention it to his parents, or to another friend . . . all it would take is one call to Social Services—’
‘Maya, I get it.’ His thumbs stop moving against the buttons and he looks up at me sombrely, suddenly appearing much older than his thirteen years. ‘I won’t tell anybody about Willa’s arm – or anything else that could get us into trouble, OK? I promise.’
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Lochan
We keep Willa off school for the rest of the week in order to avoid awkward questions, and I call in sick and stay at home with her. But by Monday she is bored, has lost the sling and is eager to return to her friends. Mum returns from Devon, and when I finally track her down at Dave’s for money, she shows scant interest in Willa’s injury.
I am having trouble sleeping again. Whenever I ask Willa about her shoulder, she gives me this worried look and assures me that it’s ‘all mended now’. I know she reads the guilt on my face, but this only makes me feel worse.
The green glow of my digital alarm reads 02:43 when I get up and creep out of my room and down the corridor. Released from the warmth of the duvet, I quickly start to shiver in my holey T-shirt and boxers. The creak of the bedroom door makes Maya stir and I wince, anxious not to wake her. Closing it softly behind me, I pad over to the wall opposite her bed, sliding down against it, my bare arms turning silver in the light of the moon. She continues to shift sleepily, nuzzling her face against the pillow, then abruptly raises herself on one elbow, pushing back her long curtain of hair.
‘Lochie, is that you?’ A startled, frightened whisper.
‘Yeah – shh – sorry – go back to sleep!’
She struggles to sit up, rubbing sleep from her eyes. Finally her eyes focus on me and she shivers, pulling the duvet around her. ‘Are you trying to give me a heart attack? What on earth are you doing?’
‘I’m sorry – I really didn’t mean to wake you—’
‘Well, you have now!’ She gives me a sleepy smile and holds up the edge of the duvet.
I quickly shake my head. ‘No . . . I just – can I watch you sleep? I know that sounds weird but – but I can’t sleep at the moment and it’s doing my head in!’ I give a sharp, painful laugh. ‘Watching you sleep makes me feel—’ I inhale deeply. ‘I dunno . . . at peace . . . D’you remember, I used to do it when we were young.’
She smiles in faint recollection. ‘Well, you’re unlikely to get to sleep sitting there on the floor.’ She holds out a portion of duvet again.
‘No, no, it’s fine. I’ll just stay here for a while and then go back to bed.’
With a sigh of mock-irritation, she gets out of bed, pads over and pulls me up by the wrist. ‘Come on, get in. God, you’re shaking.’
‘I’m just cold!’ I snap, my voice coming out harsher than I intended.
‘Well, come here then!’
The warmth of her duvet envelops me. She slides onto my lap and the touch of her warm skin, her arms and legs wrapped around me, forces me to begin to relax. Hugging me tight, she buries her face in my neck. ‘My God, you’re an icicle.’
I let out a strained laugh. ‘Sorry.’
For a few moments we are both quiet. Her damp breath tickles my cheek. We lie down and I feel my body gently thaw against hers as she strokes the back of my head, running her fingers across my neck . . . God, how I wish we could stay like this for ever. Suddenly, for no reason, I feel close to tears.
‘Tell me.’
It’s as if she can feel the pain through my skin. ‘Nothing. Just, you know, the usual crap.’
I can tell she doesn’t believe me. ‘Listen,’ she says. ‘Remember what Willa said the other day? We’re the grown-ups. We’ve always shared the responsibilities. You don’t have to start trying to shield me from reality now.’
I press my mouth against her shoulder and close my eyes. I’m afraid of worrying her, afraid of telling her how torn up I feel inside.
‘You think you can do the worrying for the both of us,’ she whispers. ‘But it doesn’t work like that, Loch. Not in an equal relationship. And that’s what ours is. That’s what we’ve always had. Our relationship may be changing in some ways, but we can’t possibly lose what we had before.’
I exhale slowly. Everything she says makes sense. In every way imaginable she is so much wiser than me.
Blowing into my ear, she tickles me. ‘Hey, have you fallen asleep?’
I smile slightly. ‘No, I’m thinking.’
‘Of what, my love?’
A small aftershock runs through me. My love. She has never called me that before. Yet that’s who we’ve become. Two people in love.
‘What happened with Willa . . .’ I begin unsteadily. ‘That must have given you a fright.’
‘I think it gave us both a fright.’
Unspoken words hover in the air between us.
‘Maya, you know, I – I really did pull her arm quite hard. It’s – it’s no wonder she fell,’ I manage in a frantic rush.
She lifts her head from my chest and props it up on one hand, her face turning white in the moonlight. ‘Lochie, did you mean to pull her off the counter?’
‘No.’
‘Did you mean to hurt her?’
‘Course not.’
‘Did you mean to dislocate her shoulder?’
‘No!’
‘OK,’ she says gently, stroking my face. ‘Then that train of thought leads nowhere. It was a complete accident. Don’t let that stupid woman at the hospital make you doubt that for one tiny second!’
Tears of relief threaten to overwhelm me. I didn’t think she blamed me, but I couldn’t be sure. I take a deep breath. ‘But now Social Services have got us on their radar – Jesus!’
‘Then we’ll just have to keep beneath it, same as always.’ Maya pulls herself up onto her elbow, looking down at me. Her hair partly obscures her face and I cannot read her expression. ‘Lochie, you’ll be eighteen next month. We’ve got this far. We can keep going! We can keep this family together, you and I. We’re a good team, we’re a great team. Together we’re strong!’