“Mia,” Shameeka said, after exchanging nervous glances with everyone else. “I think it’s great you wrote a book. S-seriously! Congratulations!”
It took a minute for it to sink in that they were more shocked by the fact that I’d written a book than that I was a virgin. In fact, they seemed not even to care about the fact that I was a virgin, and werefixated on the fact that I’d written a book.
About which, can I just say—well, I was insulted, actually.
“But the sex scenes in your book,” Tina said. She looked as shocked as everyone else in the room. “They were so…”
“I told you.” I could feel myself turning as red as Elizabeth Arden’s door. “I read a lot of romance novels.”
“Is it, like, a real book?” Lana wanted to know. “Or is it one of those books you make at the mall where you put your own name in it? Because I wrote one of those when I was seven. It was all about how LANA went to the circus and how LANA got to perform with the trapeze artists and bareback riders because LANA is just as pretty and talented as—”
“Yes, it’s a real book,” Tina said, shooting LANA alook . “Mia wrote it herself, and it’s really—”
“HELLO!” I yelled. “I just told all of you that I’ve never had sex! And all you seem to be able to talk about is the fact that I wrote a book. Can we please FOCUS?I’ve never hadsex ! Do you have nothing to say about that?”
“Well, the book thing is more interesting,” Shameeka said. “I don’t see what the problem is, Mia. Just because we’ve all done it doesn’t mean you should feel strange about having waited. I’m sure there’ll be tons of girls at the University of Genovia who haven’t done it, either. So you won’t be at all out of place.”
“Totally,” Tina said. “And how sweet is it that J.P. hasn’t pressured you?”
“That’s not sweet,” Lana said flatly. “That’s weird.”
Tina shot her another dirty look, but Lana refused to back down. “Well, it is! That’s what boys do. It’s, like, their job to try to get you to have sex with them.”
“J.P. is a virgin, too,” I informed them. “He’s been saving himself for the right person. And he says he’s found her. Me. And he’s willing to wait until whenever I’m ready.”
When I said that, everyone in the room looked at one another and sighed dreamily.
All except Lana. She went, “So what’s he waiting for then? Are you sure he’s not gay?”
Tina shouted, “Lana! Could you be serious for one second, please?” just as Shameeka asked, “Mia, if J.P. is willing to wait, then what’s the problem?”
I blinked at her. “There’s no problem,” I said. “I mean, we’re fine.”
Mia Thermopolis’s Big Fat Lie Number Eight.
And Tina busted me on it.
“But thereis a problem,” Tina said. “Isn’t there, Mia? Based on something you mentioned yesterday.”
I widened my eyes at her. I knew what she was going to say, and I really didn’t want her to. Not in front of Lana and those guys.
“Uh,” I said. “No. No problem. I’ve always been a bit of a late bloomer….”
“I’ll say.” Lana snorted. “Geek.”
But Tina didn’t notice my subtle hint.
“Do you evenwant to have sex with J.P., Mia?” Tina asked.
Love, Michael.Now, why did that have to pop into my head?
“Yes, of course!” I cried. “He’s totally foxy.” I was borrowing a phrase from the bathroom wall, about Lana. She’d written it about herself. But I figured it applied to J.P., too.
“But…” Tina looked as if she were trying to choose her words carefully. “You told me yesterday that you think Michael smells better.”
I saw Trisha and Lana exchange glances. Then Lana rolled her eyes.
“Not the neck thing again,” she said. “Itold you, just buy J.P. some cologne.”
“Idid ,” I said. “It’s not that—Look, forget it, okay? You guys all have sex on the brain, anyway. There’s more to a relationship thansex , you know.”
This caused all the ladies who were doing our feet to start giggling hysterically.
“Well,” I said to them. “Isn’tthere?”
“Oh, yes,” they all said. “Your Highness.”
Why did I get the feeling that they were making fun of me? That they were ALL making fun of me? Look, I knew from my vast romance reading that sex was fun.
But I ALSO knew from my vast romance reading that there were some things more important than sex.
LOVE, MICHAEL.
“Besides,” I added desperately, “just because I think Michael smells better than J.P. doesn’t mean I’m still in love with him or anything.”
“Okay,” Lana said. Then she dropped her voice to a whisper and said,“Except for the part where it totally does.”
“Oh my God, love triangle!” Trisha squealed, and the two of them started laughing so hard that they splashed the water in their foot basins, causing their pedicure specialists to have to ask them to please control themselves.
It was at that moment Grandmère hobbled back into the room, wearing her robe and flip-flops and looking particularly frightening because she’d also just had a facial and so all of her pores were still open and her face was devoid of makeup and very shiny and she was wearing an expression of extreme surprise….
But not, it turned out (much to my relief), because she’d overheard us.
It was because no one had drawn her eyebrows back on.
Monday, May 1, 7 p.m., the Royal Genovian Yacht Clarisse 3, master suite
I have never seen so much pre-party psychosis in my life. And I’ve been to alot of parties.
The florist brought the wrong floral arrangements—whites roses andpurple lilies, not pink—and the caterer’s crispy seafood spring rolls came with a peanut sauce instead of an orange sauce (Idon’t care, but there’s some speculation that Princess Aiko of Japan has a peanut allergy).
Grandmère and Vigo are having CORONARIES about it. You would think somebody had forgotten to polish the silver, or something.
Don’t even get me started on the aneurysm they had when I suggested we use the helicopter landing pad as a dance floor.
Whatever! It’s not like anybody’s going to be landing the helicopter on it!
At least my dress arrived safely. I’ve been stuffed into it (it’s silver and sparkly and formfitting and what can I say? It was made especially for me, and you can tell. There’s not a whole lot left to the imagination), and my hair is all twisted up and tucked into my tiara, and I’ve been ordered to sit here quietly out of everyone’s way, and not move until it’s time to make my grand entrance, once all the guests have arrived.
Like I’m all that jazzed to go anywhere, seeing as how what awaits me out there are my twin “surprises”—one from J.P., and the other from Lilly.
I’m sure I’m overreacting. I’m sure whatever J.P. got me, I’m going to like it. Right? I mean, he’s my boyfriend. He’s not going to do anything to embarrass me in front of my family and friends. The whole thing with the guy who dressed up like the knight and rode up on the horse painted white—I mean, I explained that already. He got the message. Iknow he got the message.
So…why do I feel so sick to my stomach?
Because he called me a little while ago to see how I was. (I’m actually feeling a little better aboutsome things now that I’ve shared my “secret” with all the girls. The one about my book AND the one about my being the lastunicorn in the Albert Einstein High senior class—besides J.P., I mean. The fact that they didn’t seem to think it was such a big deal was a pretty big relief. I mean, not that it IS a big deal, because it’s not. It’s just…well, it’s good to knowthey don’t think it’s a big deal. Although I wish Lana would quit texting me with alternative titles for my book. I don’t actually thinkPut It in My Candyhole is that good a name for a novel.)