I stood stunned for a beat before following after. “It is not. I have questions and you’ve given me zero answers.”
“I have no answers to give you. This subject is closed.”
His dismissal infuriated me, and more, it left me feeling helpless. “Are you kidding me? You’re not going to talk about this?”
“No, I’m not.” He sat at his desk, reinforcing his refusal to speak further on the matter.
“Hudson, this is so not fair.” I moved around to his side of the desk, not wanting this physical barrier between us. “We’ve said we needed to be honest with each other—that we needed to form a relationship built on trust. We agreed to be open. But you’re hiding something with this. You lied! And not talking about it? How are we supposed to move forward when you’re keeping such a big secret?”
He flew up from his chair and grabbed my arm with a tight grip. “Have I done anything to betray your trust before this?”
I was too surprised to try to pull away. “You went behind my back to transfer David…”
He yanked me closer to him. “That was for us.” His eyes widened as he emphasized the last two words. “Have I done anything that makes you think I don’t have our relationship’s best interests in mind? Have I done anything to make you believe that I don’t want to be with you? That I don’t…” His voice cracked and he swallowed before continuing. “That I don’t care…for you with everything I have?”
I shook my head, unable to speak.
He relaxed his grasp on me, but didn’t let go. “Everything I’ve done since we’ve been together has been for you and me. Trust me when I tell you this isn’t important.” With his free hand, he brushed my hair off my shoulder. “This doesn’t affect us.”
“How can it not affect us? This was the night of the Stern Symposium. The night you said you first saw me.”
“Yes, it was the night I first saw you.” His voice was softer. Soothing as he cupped my neck. “But this was before that. Separate. You need to forget about this.”
Separate. I held onto that word, absorbing it, searching for its meaning. But how could it be separate? It was the same night.
Looking into his eyes didn’t clear up anything either. All I saw there was him pleading and begging to lay this video to rest.
But that wasn’t the person that I was. He’d told me once that he would always be manipulative and domineering, even when he wasn’t playing games. It was who he was.
Me, I would always be obsessive. I’d always question. Even when I was healthy. Asking to forget about this was defying my nature.
I swallowed. “What if I can’t let it go?”
His expression filled with disappointment. “Then it means you don’t trust me.” He let me go, straightening his back. “And I don’t know how we can continue on with our relationship without trust.”
My knees buckled and I put my hand out on his desk to steady myself. “Are you saying that I have to choose? Trust you about this or we’re over?”
“Of course not.” His confidence was missing from his words. “But I have nothing else that I can say. Whether you can live with that or not is the choice you have to make.”
I brushed my fingertips across my eyebrows and down my face. The situation felt so surreal, it was almost as if I had to be sure I was still physically there. How had I gone from a question about Hudson’s past to an ultimatum about our future?
And even if I could bring myself to live with his terms, what kind of a future could we possibly have?
I shook my head. “That’s a trap, Hudson. How could anyone live with that? How can we ever move forward when everywhere I turn there’s a wall?”
“There are no walls.” His jaw tensed and his voice tightened. “I’m here with you. I share everything with you.”
“Except your past.”
“Except this one thing in my past.”
“No. There’s more.” My throat and eyes burned. “It’s not just the video, Hudson. It’s your secrets, the things you can’t say. You can’t tell me what that night was about. You can’t tell me how you feel about me. You can’t tell me what the true nature of your relationship is with Celia, with Norma—even with Sophia!”
“Jesus Christ, Alayna. I’ve told you exactly the true nature of my relationships and you—” he pointed a finger into his desk for emphasis, “refuse to believe what I’ve said.”
“Because there’s proof over and over again that says otherwise.” I slammed my hand against my thigh each time I said over. “And if I’m missing the whole picture, than maybe you should stop leaving all the vital parts out.”
He closed his eyes briefly. Then he stepped closer to grasp my forearms. “Nothing of what I’ve kept from you is vital to our relationship.” His voice was low and sincere. “It has nothing to do with us.”
I threw my arms in the air. “It does! It has everything to do with us.”
Hudson slammed past me to the other side of his desk, but he didn’t go far. He rocked on his feet, his back to me, and I felt he was deciding. Deciding what, I didn’t know.
I circled after him until I was within an arm’s length. I could reach out to touch him with my hands, but I kept them at my side. “Don’t you see, Hudson? I want to know everything about you. I want to be everything with you. How can I when you don’t let me in?”
“I’ve let you in further than any other human being I’ve known. You know things about me that I never planned to share with anyone.” He turned his head to look at me. “Doesn’t that count for something?”
“It does.” I reached out to caress his cheek and he moved the rest of the way to face me. “It counts for so much. But see,” I dropped my hand to my side, “that’s where we’re stuck. Because you’re asking me to give up so much of who I am in order for you to keep your secrets, and that will tear me apart. I can’t do it. I can’t function. I obsess, Hudson. I’ve never kept that from you. Now, I’ve had a history of obsessing over things that weren’t valid, but this time, it’s not in my head. There are real things you’re hiding and can you not see how I’m going crazy over it? Everything you fixed about me is unraveling and I don’t know what to do.” I took a deep breath. “And I’m not even sure you care.”
“I care, Alayna.” He brushed a tear off my cheek—funny, I hadn’t even noticed I was crying. “I care more than I can stand it, and I will do anything to make this better.”
He braced his hand behind my neck and leaned his forehead against mine. It would be so easy—so easy to lean up and let him kiss away my pain and insecurity. His lips on mine could erase all darkness, could soothe any pain. Until that afternoon, I’d believed that like some people believed in their religion—Hudson could fix me, every time.
Except this time he was the problem.
And it wasn’t his touch that would fix me. It was words. Words he wasn’t willing to give. “Then tell me what I need to know,” I whispered.
He straightened and took a step away from me. “No. I won’t.”
He turned away, heading back toward the living room.
Once again, I chased after him. “Were you together? Did you fuck her? Did you fuck her that night? The night you met me?”
He paced the room. “No. No. No. And no. I’ve told you this before and if those words aren’t enough, why should I believe that any others would be any different?”
“Because those words aren’t the words I need. I don’t need denials. I need truths. What happened, Hudson? What is she to you?”
“Alayna, leave it alone.”
“I can’t!”
He stopped suddenly. After a beat, he said, “Then I need to leave.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I swallowed. “Like leave to cool down?”