Her eyes lit up and she looked so damn hopeful that he regretted the way he’d all but attacked her. He had no excuse other than the blame he felt for leaving her. If he’d been there, she would have never been taken. Never suffered what she’d suffered for the last months.
And close on the heels of his words came self – recrimination.
“Christ, I’m sorry, Maren. This can’t be what you wanted. It’s my fucking fault. The goddamn condom must have broken or leaked. That’s on me. You have to know I would have never placed you in this position on purpose.”
She stroked over his face, soothing him with her touch.
“I know that, Steele. It’s both our blame and neither at the same time. We’re adults. We both know that birth control isn’t foolproof. We both played with fire and we both got burned. But now that I’ve had time to take in the news, I’m not sorry about the baby. I hope when you’ve had enough time to digest it all, you won’t be sorry either. Our child may not have been purposely conceived, but he or she is there now. Inside me. A part of me. I love our baby already. The last several weeks have been so horribly stressful. I was afraid to eat or drink anything because I feared that Tristan would try to harm our child or make me miscarry.”
Anger surged through him all over again. He reached out to cup her jaw, rubbing his thumb along her cheekbone, trying to wipe away the lines of fatigue and stress. He chased away the tears that dampened her cheeks and then he leaned in, softly kissing away the moisture.
“I failed you, Maren, and I’m sorry for that. It seems I have a lot of experience in failing people who matter to me in the last year. First P.J. Now you. I should have been there sooner. If I had, you wouldn’t have spent the last months in hell, worrying that the son of a bitch would force himself on you or cause you to lose your child. My child,” he said forcefully.
His child. God, he couldn’t even wrap his mind around the fact that he was going to be a father. He was so ill prepared for parenthood, it was ludicrous. Children had never been in his game plan. Ever. With the job he held and never knowing where he’d be from one day to the next, and worse, not ever knowing if he’d make it back from a mission? It was no way for a child to live. It was no way to be an effective parent.
He wanted to be the kind of father his own dad was to him. Even though he’d never planned to have children, now that it was inevitable, he wanted to give his child two loving, stable parents just like his own had been.
How could he or Maren provide that when their jobs took them to all parts of the world? Into dangerous situations?
“You didn’t fail me, Steele,” she said softly, breaking into his thoughts. “How were you to have known? I could have said something when Tristan started sniffing around me. I blew it off. It was stupid. I could have called Sam at any time. But I’m a big girl. I can handle myself. I’ve been doing it for years. I’ve worked alone in places many men wouldn’t venture. But you know what? I blew it off because I had no reason to ever believe he would take things as far as he did.”
She exhaled sharply and continued.
“I’ve never been singled out like that. You have to understand, I blend. I never draw attention to myself. I’m not the kind of woman who stops traffic or gets noticed in a crowd. What happened in Africa was just an unfortunate case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. It wasn’t personal. I was taken hostage along with all the other people who just happened to be in that same wrong place at the same wrong time.
“But with Mendoza, or Tristan, or whoever the hell he really is, it was personal. And I didn’t get that. I couldn’t believe that I was being singled out when I’ve made it a practice to do my job quietly and without a fuss. I guess that’s what I find so disturbing and why it upsets me so much. I’ve never had anything like this happen, and I still don’t understand why he did it. Why me? A man who has his kind of power and money could have hired the best darn physician money could buy. Guys like that don’t want a backwoods doctor who dispenses free medical care to the poverty stricken. And as I said, I’m not a woman who stops traffic, so I don’t understand why he fixated on me. Was it convenience? Proximity? I just happened to be in the area and he said, What the hell, she’s a doctor, I’ll take her?”
Steele put a finger over her lips and then rubbed soothingly. “Maybe we’ll never know. You can’t make yourself crazy trying to understand how crazy people think. But as for you not stopping traffic? Got news for you. I’d definitely notice you in a crowd.”
She flushed a delicate pink, color blooming in her cheeks. She bit into her bottom lip until he thumbed it to free it, and he softly pushed back so she wasn’t damaging the tender skin.
“So what do we do, Steele?” she asked quietly. “I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear. I know neither of us planned on it. It may not have happened the way we wanted, but I don’t regret it now. I wouldn’t go back and undo my pregnancy. This baby is a part of me. I’ll do anything in the world to protect this child.”
He weighed her words, still processing the shock of discovering his impending fatherhood. “What we do”—he began slowly—“the very first thing we do is ensure your health and well-being and that of our child. You’ve had a very stressful few months, and even if Caldwell didn’t harm you physically, the strain wore you down. We need to make sure you’re healthy, the baby is healthy and that you both get the care you need.
“After that? You’ll stay here with me where I know you’re safe. This changes everything, Maren. I don’t know what your plans are or if you’ve even thought about it yet. Did you want to go back in the field so soon?”
Slowly, she shook her head. “If it were just me and I didn’t have a child to consider, I’d take another assignment. I wouldn’t allow some crazy bastard to dictate my life or make me so afraid that I couldn’t do my job. It’s more than a job, Steele. It’s a calling. I don’t know if you understand that, or maybe you think I’m nuts.”
“Not at all. We all have callings. Mine is KGI and our missions. I don’t think you’re nuts any more than I think I am for what I do. We both help people. We just do it in different ways.”
She smiled and squeezed his hand. “Thanks for that, at least. And to answer your question, I don’t know. You’re right in that my pregnancy changes everything. Changes my priorities. I’ve lived out of the country for so long and I don’t have an actual place I call home here. I could stay with my parents until I figure it all out and until after the baby’s born.”
His frown was instant. There were a lot of problems with that scenario. Apart from the safety issues, he didn’t want her away from him. He wanted to be a part of this pregnancy. He wanted to be there when his child came into the world. And he couldn’t very well do that if she lived states away.
“What are you thinking?” she asked softly.
Her gaze was focused on him, her blue eyes inquiring.
“I don’t want you miles away from me,” he said bluntly. “I may not have planned this any more than you did, but I want to be a part of my child’s life, Maren. I want to see you get bigger. I want to feel him or her kick inside you. I want to see the sonogram pictures. And I damn sure want to be there for the birth. There’s no reason for you to do it alone. You won’t be alone. Because I’ll be there. Every step of the way.”
Her eyes widened, but he saw relief there. Had she wanted him with her? Had she been afraid he wouldn’t want to be a part of his child’s life?
“I’ve said what I want,” he continued. “But we haven’t talked about what you want.”
“I want you with me,” she whispered. “I’d like that a lot. I wasn’t sure. I mean, I know this was a huge bomb to drop on you. I know it’ll take you time to digest it all. I guess I was worried that you wouldn’t want much to do with me or the baby.”