As soon as we get into Alec’s room, I fall into the chair by his desk and he sits on the bed.
“Can’t believe summer’s almost over,” he says.
“Yep.”
“We’re seniors next year.”
“Uh huh.” The short answers are about all I can manage right now.
“Wanna run away with me and have all my babies?”
“Sure.” As soon as I reply, I realize my mistake. “Alec!”
“It’s your fault. What? You can’t talk to me anymore?”
My instinct is to yell at him, but there’s a genuine sadness to his words. That little bit of vulnerability that Alec doesn’t often show. “I just have a lot going on right now. It’s not you, and you know it.”
He nods, because no matter what, he really does.
“It’s crazy how much things can change sometimes, isn’t it? I mean…everything. It’s like you expect your life to go a certain way and then you get thrown this huge curveball—”
“Baseball metaphors? You’re inner football player must be pissed.”
“I’m serious, Charlie. I never would have expected someone to come between us. I just…always thought no matter what, there would always be certain things I’d know. You are one of those things. I never expected that to change…”
In that moment, I see someone different in Alec than I’ve ever seen before. It’s hard for me to even say what it is; I just know it’s not the Alec I thought I knew my whole life. For the first time, it's out in the open, that the future we both thought we would fall into won’t come to pass.
“You are and will always be my best friend, Alec. Please tell me you know that.” Getting up, I walk over and sit next to him.
“Yeah?” he asks.
“Absolutely. Nate or no one else will ever change that. I’d do anything for you.”
Alec pulls me into a hug. “I’ve got…there are some things going on with me too.”
I cock my head and look at him. “What is it? Your dad?”
“Yes and no. Never mind. I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
“I’m here when you’re ready.”
He sighs. “I know. I love you, Charlie. You’re a good friend.”
Bruises cover my heart, as everything seems to drain out of me. “I love you too.”
I knew nothing could stay perfect for long.
The truck is silent except for the rumble of the engine as Dad and I bump down the road.
“I’m sorry about today,” he says, after what feels like an eternity.
Which part? I wonder. The thing on the deck or trying to manipulate me. “Why did we go to Maggie and Randy’s tonight, Dad?”
“They’re our friends—”
“Who we haven’t visited forever. Why tonight?”
Dad sighs. “Look, Charlie. I’m tired and I’ve had a long day. If you have something to say to me, you need to just say it.”
“Fine!” I cross my arms. “Did you bring me to Alec’s to pressure me into wanting to stay? To remind me what I have here and…” To make me feel guilty for wanting to leave him. Or maybe not that. He has no reason to know I want to leave, but he doesn’t like how things are between Nate and me. Maybe that scares him.
To my surprise, Dad whips the car over to the side of the road and turns on the interior light.
“No matter what, I’m still your father and I don’t appreciate you accusing me of something like that. We went to see them because I needed it. Jesus Christ, Charlie! I pissed my pants in front of you and that kid tonight! Did you ever think how that made me feel? Maybe I just wanted a distraction. I’ve lost my wife, my daughter, and the ability to work all in the past year, and now I can’t even control my God damned bladder!”
Dad’s open hands slam down on the steering wheel. Tears are running down my face. I’ve never seen him get angry like this. Never heard so much pain in his voice. I feel guilty for assuming this night was about me.
“I wanted to forget and try to make myself believe things were like they used to be. Christ, I miss her. I miss them both so much, kid. I should have known. She never wanted a life here, but I thought I could make her happy. I assumed that after she left and came back to me—”
“What?” I cut him off. “When did Mom leave?”
He looks at me, his eyes as red as they were when Mom told him she and Sadie were leaving. “She was young…nineteen. I knew I loved her, even then. She left with some kid she met one summer. Two months she was gone before he broke her heart by being with another woman, and I healed it for her. There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for her. I loved her in a way he never could have. So yes, maybe I did subconsciously bring you to Alec’s tonight partially for that reason. You look at Nate the way your mom used to look at him. I’ll be damned before I let him hurt you the same why she was hurt.”
Light off.
Truck started.
Dad pulls back onto the road and starts to drive away.
My heart is too heavy and my mind too full to say anything. But there’s one thing I do know: I’m not my mom, and Nate would never hurt me like that.
All the lights are off in Nate’s cabin when we get home. Dad and I don’t talk further and I go straight to my room.
Hey.
Hey he replies.
Just got home. What ya doing?
Lying in bed. Have fun?
No.
What happened?
Nothing…fight with Dad. See you 2morrow?
Always, Star Girl. ‘Night.
Goodnight
Dad and I stand in front of the deck on the empty cabin. The completely finished deck that wasn’t done when we left it yesterday.
“Wow…” Dad runs a hand over his head.
Yeah. Wow.
The parking spot in front of cabin 3B is empty. Nate texted me to let me know his parents wanted them to all hang out together today, since they’d be leaving soon. Leaving. That word pries my chest wide open.
“Did you know?” Dad asks.
“No.”
There’s remorse in his voice, but not enough. I know it doesn’t change anything. Neither will my words. “He’s a good person. He’d never hurt me like that guy hurt Mom. I’m taking the day off.”
Dad doesn’t reply and I don’t wait. It doesn’t matter that Nate won’t be here until this evening. I can’t spend my day with Dad. I go swimming, something I haven’t done by myself in a long time. Afterward I change clothes and go for a hike, hoping my head will clear in all the open space.
Nate leaves in a week. I thought the fact that we’re going to stay together would change the empty feeling inside me. It’s crazy how you can feel empty and full at the same time. It’s exactly what has taken me over. The emptiness fills me.
When I get back down to the house, I pack a bag with my telescope, blanket, and all the other things I bring on our nights out. Nate texts when they get back and we pick the time to meet. Dad and I have dinner together, making small talk, but he knows I’m mad and I’m not ready to be over it. Mom left. Sadie left. But I’m still stuck here. And it sucks and it’s not fair and I wish he would see that.
“Hey you,” Nate says after I climb out the window.
“Hey.” We lock hands before I say, “Let’s go to the fort tonight.”
We take the same path we’ve taken so many times together over the past three years. The path that I wonder if we’ll ever take together again. If I leave—though I don’t know how I will—we might not take this walk again.