“Yeah.” I sit on the couch while Brandon leans against the pool table. “I think I’ve always loved her. She’s…I don’t know, she’s just always in my head, ya know? Everything about her.” Then those times come that make me wonder what I’m doing. There’s still something going on that I don’t know about and it sucks that she doesn’t trust me with it. The way I didn’t trust her that night?
Brandon nods. “Yeah. I know.”
But really I don’t get how he does. As far as I know, Brandon has never been serious about any girl.
He’s fidgeting with the bottle in his hand, peeling the paper. When he sets it down, I could swear his hands are shaking. An anchor suddenly weighs down my stomach. “What is it?”
“I’m just going to say this even though I’m scared shitless to do it. I’m mean, I’ve never even said the words out loud before, but you’re my brother and who can a guy talk to if he can’t talk to his brother? Mom talking about how strong the Chase boys are and everything…I want to be strong. At least by telling you.” He shakes his hands like they fell asleep and he’s trying to wake them up or something.
My heart is going crazy, trying to figure out what could have Brandon this stressed out. Fear fills me.
“Don’t freak out on me, okay, Nate? I really need you to not fucking freak out on me.”
“Dude, I’m your brother. You can tell my anything—” All sorts of thoughts are running through my head, making me wonder what could be wrong with my brother that I missed.
“I’m gay.”
I stop breathing. Totally not what I was expecting.
The bottle in my hand slips through and falls to the floor, beer foaming out. I don’t even pick it up. “Excuse me?” It’s not that I’m homophobic or anything. Hell, what other people do is none of my business. To each their own, but hearing my brother tell me he’s gay isn’t something I ever thought I’d hear. I never suspected.
“I’m gay, man.”
“Since when?”
“What do you mean since when? Since forever. It’s not just something someone wakes up and decides.” He starts pacing the room.
“Shit.” I run a hand through my hair. “I didn’t mean to ask that. I just…you go out with girls. You talk about sleeping with them all the time. Hell, I saw you having sex with Sadie once.”
“That’s because I didn’t want to be gay!” he yells. “Who wants to deal with that? People judging you and looking down on you. I’m a fucking football player, Nate. You play sports. You know how that is. You hear the shit people say. I just…” He stops moving and looks at me. I’ve never seen my brother look so lost and scared in my life.
“I thought maybe I could fake it…or change it. Didn’t you notice I wasn’t really with anyone after her? It was wrong. I had sex with her and then I went home and ignored all her calls because she wasn’t what I wanted. I felt sick, but then even worse for feeling that way because I should want her, right? That’s what everyone says. That would make me fucking normal, right?”
Wow.
Brandon falls onto the couch, his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. And I just sit there. I don’t know what to do or what to say.
“Tell me I’m normal, Nate?” Then, my brother starts to cry. It’s not just tears in his eyes, but full out crying. “Tell me, tell me, tell me,” he says over and over.
I’ve never seen strength like I see from my brother right now. Because even though he’s breaking down, he’s manning up, too. He’s admitting who he is and I hate the fucking world for making him feel like he should be ashamed about it. “Hey. There is nothing wrong with who you are. You hear me? Fuck anyone who tells you anything differently.”
Brandon looks over at me with red eyes. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
He breaks down crying again and this time and I hug him. It’s awkward at first. I don’t think I’ve hugged my own brother since I was five years old, but soon it feels more natural. He’s still crying and I’m still trying to process what he said. It’s hard to work through it, but I don’t want him to see me struggle. I just want to be here for him.
My brother is gay.
He’s been lying to us, to everyone his whole life.
But he told me now.
It feels like forever until he stops crying. I scoot back and Brandon wipes his face with his shirt.
“Shit. I can’t believe I just broke down like that. That makes me feel more like a pussy than being gay.”
He laughs and even though I don’t feel like doing it, I laugh, too. Neither of us feels it, but we need to try to do something to lighten the mood.
“You could have told me,” I tell him. “All these year…you could have said something.” He’s been carrying that alone and it has to be killer.
“Yeah?” he sounds like he’s not sure if he believes me.
“It doesn’t matter to me. You’re still my brother and…I don’t think I’ve given you the credit you deserve all these years. I just didn’t know, man. I didn’t know you were holding all of that in and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry you felt like you had to keep quiet about it and…I want you to know, I’ve never been more proud to be your bother than I am right now.”
I’ve obviously just said the wrong thing because Brandon looks like he’s about to be sick. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.
“What is it?” I scoot back, waiting for him to tell me something huge. Nothing prepares me for what he says.
“That second summer…Alec and I…”
“What?” I jerk off the couch and push to my feet. My world tilts, then things start to align. “Alec?”
“I mean, I kind of new that first summer, but I didn’t want to believe it. I tried to fight it, but we talked all that year. I thought maybe if I didn’t go back, I could try and forget everything. Then the second summer…we just got closer then, ya know? I know you hate him, but you don’t know him like I do, Nate. Not a whole lot happened that year, but yeah, we started…” Brandon trails off before picking up the conversation elsewhere. “We kept talking again all year after that, and then last summer…”
I shake my head. Not wanting to hear more. Somehow knowing exactly what he’s going to say. “Don’t.”
“I have to. I need you to understand. We were scared. No one could know. His dad…and college…football…” He’s throwing out all sorts of words, but not finishing a sentence.
“What are you even talking about? Alec’s been all over Charlotte her whole life. He hated me. Kicked any guy's ass who messed with her. He wanted to run The Village with her one day.”
One look at him tells me it was a lie; Alec was lying, just like Brandon did. That Alec wanted to use Charlotte the same way my brother did with Sadie. “Tell me,” I grit out, backing away.
“Charlie caught us that night. Alec went after her. He was freaked out, Nate. He thought she would tell and he was scared.”
“So he kissed her to make up for it? And you knew. You knew I was gutted all year and you never said anything!”
“Fuck you, Nate! That’s easy for you to say. You don’t get it! You’ll never get it unless you’ve experienced it.”
“What I don’t get is letting your brother be miserable for nine months. I loved her, man and you let me think she wanted him!”
“Gutted? What about Marisol? You moved on.”
“The way you did? You just admitted to me that you were with people you didn’t want, so fuck you, Brandon. I love her! We had all these plans and…and you all knew. Everyone knew, but me.” Now it’s me who’s pacing the room. “I was the only one in the dark. I was wrecked and all three of you could have said something to ease it, but no one did!” Another thought hits me and it takes everything inside me not to tackle my brother and kick his ass. “I lost her so you could what? Keep Alec? So you guys could have your secret?”
“No. That’s not it! We didn’t talk last year. It didn’t feel right. You don’t fucking get it, Nate!”