“That’s all you have to say?” I stared at him for a few seconds and I watched as he took another sip of his gin and looked back at his contract. I stood up slowly and walked out of the office. “I’m ready,” I said to Cody as I walked back into my bedroom.
“Finally,” he said and jumped up with a grin.
“Yeah, finally,” I said and gave him a small smile, my heart feeling worse than it ever had before.
Present Day
There's this dream that I have. This dream of one day being able to say exactly what I'm thinking, exactly what I'm feeling, exactly what I'm wanting. There's a burning hope inside of me that one day the words will come easier, the fear will be less intense, and the deep yearning will not feel like it's attached to my very essence. I want to tell her one thing. I want to tell her I love her. I want to tell her that I think of her every morning and night. I want to tell her that I can't get her out of my mind. I can't sleep. I can't stop the racing of my heart when she smiles at me. I can't stop myself from smiling in response. I wish her every smile were for me. I want to capture them in a jar and release them every time I feel down. I want her to know that she makes me feel things I don't know that I want to feel. I'm not sure how to tell her I'm not good enough. I don't know how to tell her that I don't know that my love is enough. I don't know how to tell her that with every beat of her heart I feel life inside of me. I don't know how to tell her she's my soulmate. So I don't. I just watch her and wait. Wait to see what'll happen. Wait to see if she can read my mind. Wait to see if the feelings will go. I hope the feelings will go. I don't do love. Not like this. Not when I feel like I can't breathe. So this dream, this dream that keeps me up at night—it's all I have. It's all I need. And every day, I feel myself losing her just a little bit more. And every day I feel myself loving her just a little bit more. If she could read my mind, she'd know. She'd know that she's it for me. I just don't know if I can ever be it for her.
“So what’s up?” I asked Cody as he sat in my office.
“You know what’s up.” He glared at me.
“Not really? The sky? The sun? The clouds?” I asked him and looked at my watch to indicate that time was running and I had work to do.
“This thing with Mila. I don’t really know what’s going on, but I know that there’s something going on.” He stood up and started pacing. “What game are you playing, TJ?”
“You know I have feelings for Mila,” I said stiffly.
“I know that this engagement isn’t really real,” Cody said, his voice getting angrier. “Nonno called me last night. He’s not sure exactly what’s going on, but he’s concerned. He asked me to look out for Mila.”
“I don’t know what to say, Cody.” I shrugged and looked away from him. How could I explain to him what was going on? I couldn’t tell him the truth. I wondered if this whole thing would cost me the best friend I’d ever had as well.
“You need to stop playing with her feelings, TJ.” Cody’s face was angry. “This isn’t just a crush for Mila. She loves you.”
“She doesn’t know what love is.” I grit my teeth as I stared at him. “She knows the score.”
“You’re my best friend, dude, but I swear to God...” Cody’s face grew redder and I could see his fists were clenched.
“What?” I stood up and moved closer to him. “You want to hit me?”
“Yes.” He scowled and looked up into my face. “I want to hit you.” He took a step back and sighed. “But I’m not a hypocrite.”
“What are you talking about?” I frowned, as I realized that not only was he angry at me, but he was angry at himself as well.
“I haven’t exactly treated Sally well.” He shrugged. “Maybe we both just suck.”
“Are you saying I haven’t treated Mila well?” I asked, but I knew the answer.
“I’m saying you haven’t treated yourself or Mila well.” His eyes pierced mine and I felt my heart stop. This was the first time Cody and I had ever really had a serious conversation about relationships. “If you love her, you’re not doing yourself any favors.”
“You know I don’t do love. You don’t do love either,” I said weakly, a weird feeling entering my stomach. “It’s just who we are.”
“Yeah, but what I don’t know is why.” He shook his head. “I’m tired of fucking around. I want something real.”
“Well, you always have Sally.”
“I’m not fucking good enough for Sally.” His face twisted. “She deserves someone better than me.”
“Yeah, she does.” I nodded and thought of Mila’s best friend and how long she had panged for Cody. I pictured the looks of disappointment and pain on her face every time Cody did something that hurt her. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t be the man she deserves.” I looked into his eyes seriously. “You can be that man.”
“Are you going to be that man for Mila?”
“I don’t know if I can.” I shrugged and closed my eyes. My throat felt constricted and my head felt heavy as I thought about her.
“You’re a fool.” Cody shook his head at me. “You’re going to lose her and you’re going to wake up one of these days and you’re going to wonder what happened.”
“This engagement is complicated.”
“What relationship isn’t complicated?”
“This isn’t a normal relationship.”
“TJ, you’re my best friend. I trust you, man. I trust you with my life. But this is my sister. I know I don’t know what’s going on here. I know that you don’t seem to want to tell me, but I gotta ask you this, what you’re doing here, can you promise me that you’re doing it with good intentions?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “I can promise you that.”
“Okay.” He sighed and I could see him thinking. “God, I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“I’m not sure that I really do,” I said under my breath, but he didn’t hear me.
“I know you’re busy, so I’m going to go now,” Cody said. “Maybe I’ll give Sally a call to see how she’s doing.”
“You sure that’s smart?” I asked him.
“Are either of us doing what we think is smart?” he asked me with a raised eyebrow and I just stared at him as he left the office. He was right. I knew without a doubt in my mind that neither of us were doing something smart. I let out a huge sigh as I looked at the paperwork on my desk. My dad had left a contract on my desk that was going to completely change the face of Mila’s parents’ company; something they were vehemently opposed to. However, because Mila had a 51% stake in the company, thanks to Nonno, she could make all final decisions. Which meant that I had that power now, legally, thanks to the papers we’d signed. I jumped up, grabbed the papers, put them in my briefcase and decided to leave the office. I couldn’t do this now. Not while I was in this inner turmoil. Even though I knew eventually I was going to have to go behind Mila’s back, had in fact already gone behind Mila’s back, I just couldn’t do this now. Not when I knew she’d gone crying to Nonno about me. Not when Cody was watching my every move. Everyone was going to be blindsided and there was nothing I could do about it. I wasn’t ready for that move yet. I needed to go and see Mila. I needed to let her know that I was trying my best, and while I knew that would never be enough and wouldn’t be enough to stop the betrayal, it would have to do for now.
***
I called Mila as soon as I got to my car. “Hey, can you get out of work early today?” I sat in the driver’s seat, my keys on the ignition, waiting, before I drove off.
“Not sure, why?” she asked curiously. “Is there another business meeting that you need me to attend?”
“No.” Kinda.
“Oh okay? Any more information would be nice.” She laughed and I smiled in response.
“I thought we could do something. Just the two of us,” I said softly. “Let me apologize for overreacting in the restaurant last week.”
“You don’t have to do that,” she said softly. “We all do things we regret sometimes. I already forgive you.”