‘I don’t want to say this but… some of the things Eloise said sounded strange to me,’ Nicole said. ‘She didn’t make sense.’
Her words yanked Allie out of her inner turmoil and forced her to focus on what really mattered – catching the spy. Jo. Because Nicole was right. Eloise had been oddly vague and unhelpful – even when her own fate hinged on their ability to help her. She hadn’t sounded innocent.
‘I thought that, too,’ Rachel said, exchanging a despairing glance with the French girl.
A palpable sense of gloom settled over the room. Only Zoe still seemed to have hope.
‘But we haven’t tried yet,’ she said. ‘To find the key, I mean.’
‘Allie, what do you think about this key?’ Nicole looked up at her. ‘Do you believe Eloise?’
Allie rubbed the back of her hand across her forehead – her skin felt gritty. ‘I don’t know if I believe her or not. I know there is a key – I saw it. But as to where she got it or what she did with it… what she said sounded weird. Like she was protecting someone. Besides, if she’s not the spy, and Zelazny’s the one who gave her the key, and he hasn’t told anyone that then…’
‘Then that would mean Zelazny is the spy.’ Sylvain finished the sentence for her.
He’d always been close to Zelazny, and Allie could see how much it hurt him to say that. It must be awful to think that his mentor could have fooled him the entire time. That he might actually be his enemy.
‘I think,’ Rachel said, ‘we need to be very careful right now. Because, at the moment, we have good reasons to be suspicious of pretty much everyone.’
TWENTY-ONE
The cold struck her first, then the wind. It must have picked up while she was walking. She didn’t remember it picking up. But suddenly it was howling, crashing the branches together above her head until they roared like the sea, and nearly knocking her down with its sheer force.
Trying to get her bearings, Allie turned in a slow circle.
Where was she? She’d been running for so long she’d lost track of where she was going. Who she was looking for.
‘Allie.’ That was Sylvain’s voice, his distinctive French accent making her name sound like a sigh, a caress.
But she couldn’t see anyone in the dark. There was no moon – the trees were shadows against shadows. The night felt dark and ominous – it had a weight to it that seemed to press down on her, making it hard to breathe.
‘Sylvain? Where are you?’ She craned her neck but saw nothing – nothing but trees.
‘Why did you do it?’
A sob shook her and she covered her mouth with her hand – he sounded so sad. Did he know she’d kissed Carter? How did he find out? They hadn’t told anyone. They could never tell.
‘Do what? I didn’t do anything.’ Her words were insistent but she could hear the lie in her own voice and she knew he must hear it, too.
‘Why weren’t you looking out for Jo?’ Sylvain’s voice sounded condemning. ‘She trusted you. I trusted you.’
Tears were streaming down her face now. She needed to see him. If she could see his face she could convince him that nothing happened. Nothing at all.
‘You can trust me,’ she insisted. ‘Jo can trust me. I won’t let her down.’
His reply was cold.
‘But Jo is already dead.’
It was Allie’s own scream that ended the dream; her own strangled voice.
She must have been crying in her sleep; her pillow was wet from her tears. And she sobbed again now as memories of last night returned to her in a flood.
Why did I kiss Carter? Why did I do that? I’ve ruined everything. Why am I this person?
First she’d failed Jo, then she’d ruined her friendship with Carter again. She couldn’t remember ever hating herself so much; she shook from it.
Without warning, her door sprang open and Rachel stood there, her hair wild from sleep, her face pale with fear that quickly transmuted into concern.
‘Allie? What happened? I heard you scream.’ Seeing Allie’s face, she ran across the room, kneeling beside her bed and pulling her into a rough hug. ‘Are you OK? Was it another one of those dreams?’
Still sobbing, Allie nodded against her shoulder. ‘I’m so sad, Rach. So sad. And I’ve done everything wrong and you can’t undo it. Once you’ve done it you can’t make it go away and I hate that.’
‘Oh, sweetie,’ Rachel’s tone was soothing. ‘You haven’t done anything wrong, I promise. You haven’t. There’s nothing you need to undo.’
But that wasn’t true at all.
‘I didn’t save Jo,’ Allie whispered. ‘And now I kissed Carter.’
For just a second, Rachel’s hand stopped stroking her back then she resumed the calming motion.
‘OK, first, you did everything you could to save Jo. Nobody could’ve saved her. Even God couldn’t save her. What happened to her was not your fault.’
Allie didn’t believe her at all but she wanted to.
‘Now.’ Rachel pulled tissues from a box on a nearby shelf and handed them to her. ‘Why don’t I get you some water and then you can tell me about kissing Carter.’
After she returned with a glass, they sat on the bed together, Allie clutching a handful of damp tissues in one hand and the water in the other, hiccupping as the tears slowed and then stopped. Brokenly, she told her what had happened that night in the forest.
‘And how did he react?’ Rachel asked, pulling a blanket over her knees.
‘Like it was a mistake.’ Allie held up her tissue hand as if to say What else?
‘Do you think it was a mistake? I mean, do you still fancy him?’
‘No… I don’t know.’ Allie sighed. ‘I’m just confused. I mean, when you were with someone and you thought that you… loved him, I guess… how do you just say, “Oh, I don’t love you any more.” Just like that? I miss being with him, and being friends with him, and I wish we didn’t have all this “formerly loving each other” thing hanging over our heads. But I can’t make it go away and when I’m alone with him it all gets muddled up sometimes.’
‘So… I think what you’re saying is you want to be his friend again.’
Allie paused to consider this. ‘I… guess so.’
‘Because I’ve got this theory.’ Rachel smiled and it seemed to warm the room. ‘Do you want to hear my theory?’
Nodding, Allie snuggled closer to her. She was beginning to believe Rachel could actually make this better.
‘I think that when we have a friend we love – like you and I love each other, right? Well, if that friend is the same gender, it’s super simple. You and I are not gay, and we love each other so… boom. We’re best friends.’ Allie agreed cautiously as Rachel continued. ‘But what if I was a bloke and you were my friend and we loved each other? It might get all confused. And if there was a lot going on and things were really emotional and dangerous, maybe your feelings of love for me could be misconstrued as romantic love. Then you might want to be my girlfriend and then it’s all tangled up.’ She leaned back to see Allie’s face more clearly. ‘I think what I’m saying is, it’s easy to confuse friendship love for romance love when your friend is a guy. And that’s why you’re confused.’
Allie shredded a tissue into tiny pieces as she thought this through. If true, it could explain how torn she’d always been between Carter and Sylvain. Maybe she had friendship love for Carter and romantic love for Sylvain. But how could she tell?