"It's not a joke at all. I know what's eating you."
"Do you? Do you really?"
"You think you have to keep everything fun and light. You think you have to fight all emotional ties because they bind, they restrict. But 1 don't want to hold you back or tell you what you should and shouldn't do. You're a grown woman, a beautiful, smart, incredible woman, and I want you just the way you are."
"Why?"
He blinked. "Why?"
"You've told me yourself you don't do deep relationships. After raising your siblings and then doing the sort of work you do, having someone want you on a daily basis is too much like a burden."
"I didn't say that," he said. "I never called love a burden."
"It was implied."
"Okay, I'll agree, it can be, if it's done one-sided. I've seen too much of that, Lily. Too many of my close friends burned because of unrealistic expectations. But that's not what I'm interested in here. I want a strong, independent woman who has her own goals and dreams, ones that don't depend on mine but can mesh with them."
"My life wouldn't mesh with anyone's."
"It would if you wanted it to."
And wasn't that just the crux. Her heart was beating hard and unnaturally heavy. "I've never wanted it to."
"Me, either. Before you."
Oh, God. The oddest feeling came over her, as if someone was dangling this big, fat, beautiful carrot in front of her, close enough to reach.
But what if it was poisonous? What if it grew teeth and bit her?
Then he capped her panic. "I think I'm falling in love with you, Lily."
Her mouth fell open. But it was the oddest thing, she still couldn't breathe.
"I wasn't looking for you, but it doesn't seem to matter. I found you."
Her throat burned and she shook her head, trying one last time to reason with him. "Easy words."
"You think so?" His eyes glittered with temper now. "You think they're just flying out of my mouth? "
"Okay, maybe easy was the wrong word. Dangerous."
"No, my job is dangerous. Your job is dangerous. That's just a fact. What I'm feeling for you has nothing to do with any of that. You can't die from it."
Then why did her heart ache so badly she felt as though she was going to?
"Look, Lily, I came here feeling restless. Like maybe I was floundering a bit, but I didn't know why. I know now."
He was killing her slowly. Torturously. Doing exactly what he'd said he wouldn't. She covered her face with her hands. He was hurting her. "It's only been six nights. Seven days." And a thousand memories.
"Long enough. Something was missing in me before. The most important part. The heart. You, Lily. You were missing."
"I don't want this responsibility." She had too much already.
"My feelings aren't your responsibility, and you know it. Stop finding excuses."
She dropped her hands from her face. "What happened? Why couldn't we keep it light and easy and fun like we wanted?"
He lifted a shoulder. A guy's response.
"This is asinine."
"Not exactly the reaction I was going for."
"I know that," she said to his grim face. "I'm sorry. Give me a minute, my heart is in my throat."
But before she got her minute, her radio squawked.
Sara's voice filled the compartment. "Lily. Oh, my God, Lily. Matt's missing."
"What?"
There were panicked tears in Sara's voice. "He and Debbie went out on snowmobiles. Debbie came back for lunch, thinking Matt was right behind her, but he didn't show up. No one's seen him, and he's not answering his radio."
"We'll be right there." Lily shoved the cat into gear for the short journey to the lodge entrance, not realizing until she put her foot on the accelerator that she'd automatically united her and Logan as a unit by saying "we."
Chapter 15
Lily could hardly drive the Sno-Cat, and it had nothing to do with the fact that more snow had fallen in a single twelve-hour period then she'd ever seen, or that it was still snowing.
It had everything to do with a few little, harmless words that when strung together equaled terror. Logan thought he was falling in love with her. Love. The weight of that felt too heavy, far too heavy a load for her to carry.
The snow was coming down harder now and Matt was out there in it. She figured Sara was overreacting as usual, that he could be back already, but she searched the area for him anyway, as she drove toward the front of the lodge. She glanced over at Logan. Did he really almost love her? She couldn't stop the words from repeating themselves in her head, or the low but thoroughly riveting tone in his voice when he'd said them.
Utter confidence. Complete belief.
Her heart hadn't stopped pounding since. What if she was falling, too? She couldn't think of anything worse because love would ruin everything. No matter what he'd promised, there'd be expectations, frustration. Hurt.
As she pulled up to the front of the lodge, Sara raced down the stone steps toward her. Only a narrow strip had been shoveled, and Lily nearly swallowed her heart at how quickly and carelessly Sara moved on the slick path, without a coat or a hat, or even the right boots. Lily hopped out and jammed her own beanie on her sister's head. "Are you crazy?" She wrapped her nice and toasty jacket around Sara, as well. "And you call me irresponsible."
"He's hurt, I just know it."
"Okay, take it easy. Who did Debbie leave him up there with?"
"Himself." This from Debbie as she came down the steps. Unlike Sara, she was dressed for the weather, but her eyes, usually cool and sardonic, were filled with worry.
"Damn it," Lily said. "It's against the rules to be up there alone."
"Since when do you care about the rules?" Sara cried. "Just find him."
The words felt like a hard one-two punch to the stomach. Since when do you care about the rules? How many damn years had she been respectable, responsible, and still, still she got no credit for it? She'd brood over that good and hard, but it would have to be later, when Matt was back safe and sound, when Logan was out of her heart and she was alone to lick her wounds in private.
Sara covered her own face. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."
"Forget it."
"No, I won't. I can't. I'm just so damn scared." Reaching out, she hugged Lily hard. "I know you've changed. I know it drives you crazy when we treat you like a baby. I do it all the time, and yet here I am asking you to save my life."
"Mart's."
"He is my life." A sob escaped her and Lily felt her heart crack.
"We'll find him."
"I love him ridiculously, Lily. Just like I love you. Go save my foolish husband for me. Like only you can."
"Tell me what you know," Lily said to Debbie.
"I wanted to ride before I left," Debbie said. "No one else could take me out, you were all busy."
"Working," Lily said. "You might want to try it sometime."
Debbie stared at her, then nodded in silent acknowledgement of the barb hitting home. "He took me to the top. He wanted to go down Sunrise Row to see how great the powder skiing would be for tomorrow, or whenever you got the lifts going again. But he didn't come back."
"And now I can't get him on the radio." Sara's teeth were chattering. "What are we going to do?"
"You're going to go back inside," Lily said. "I'm going up there to go look for him. Get on the radio and pull staff in from snow removal to get on the search, as well. Tell them what you told me about where he was last seen, and that he was solo." She glared at Debbie, who shocked her by looking so miserable that Lily didn't say what was on her mind but instead turned away.