Mona was waiting for me when we pulled up. She suggested going to her place to talk, but her parents were home. I told her we could go to my place. I walked in the back door and found it packed. Mona froze when she saw Greg, Suzanne, Beth and Cindy playing cards in the kitchen. I don’t think she expected to see anyone from school. I reached down, squeezed her hand, and gave her a reassuring smile when she looked at me. I felt her relax.
I walked around the table, giving everyone but Greg a kiss. I think he was okay with that. Angie and Mom came in from the living room, laughing. I pointed at Angie.
“You, evil woman, are dead to me,” I said, crossing my arms with a ‘harrumph.’
Mom came over and patted my cheek.
“You be nice to Angie.”
“Mom, she needs to be punished,” I said with as much righteous indignation as I could muster.
Angie was trying not to laugh at me. I was pissed. Mom saw the potential for a little fun.
“Judge Mom will hear your complaint after we get everyone dessert,” Mom said. Then she noticed Mona. “Hi, my son’s a barbarian with no social graces. Who are you?”
I introduced Mona.
For years, whenever Greg and I fought over something stupid, Mom would sit us down and be Judge Mom. If Dad were home, he would be the jury. It was actually a smart idea. It made us sit down and think about why we were mad. We then had to present our case. You got to talk without interruption, which forced us to hear the other side. Being young and pissed off meant you didn’t always listen, but you at least knew where your brother was coming from. It helped me once I calmed down. When we were talked out, then the jury would ask us some pointed questions. If one of us were truly in the wrong, Mom would make a ruling. Most times, we just had a family talk. Think of Judge Judy without the robe and not on television.
Mom made me help her while Greg told Angie and the girls what was going to happen. The traitor Mona joined them around the table. Then they started to whisper as Greg helped Angie prepare her case. Greg got up and came over to me so we could talk in private.
“Hey, Angie isn’t sure what you’re mad about,” Greg said.
“She packed my bag for my trip. She went out and bought me thong underwear. That was all I had to wear in my overnight bag.”
He started laughing.
“Are you sure you want to do this? Judge Mom is going to have way too much fun at your expense.”
I hadn’t thought about that. This could turn ugly. Then I thought about Mom needing to get her mind off of tomorrow. I nodded to Greg.
“It’s your funeral, Bro,” Greg advised, and then went to talk to the girls.
Mom had me make a new pot of coffee while she cut a pineapple upside-down cake. It was a recipe that had been handed down for generations. I ran and grabbed my tablet and pulled up the recipe app. I took a picture of one of the plates with cake on it. Mom had the recipe on an index card for me to copy.
While I did that, she and I caught up. I told her about my new friend Harper and how we all went on a triple date Saturday night. She told me Dad had taken her for a romantic dinner. When the coffee was done, I took the pot out to the living room. Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, Tom and Mary Dole, and Mrs. Glade were all talking to Dad. They already had coffee cups, so I warmed them up.
Mom and I brought them all cake. When everyone was almost done, Mom announced that court would be in session shortly. I had stayed in the living room so Angie and her counselors could plot my demise. They all brought chairs from the kitchen so they could enjoy the show. Mom explained to the parents what was going on. Dad just rolled his eyes at me.
When everyone was settled, Mom brought the court into session.
“Angie, since you are new to these proceedings, I’ll explain how this will work. The accuser will present his testimony. No one is to interrupt during his presentation. He’s allowed to talk as long as he doesn’t start to repeat himself.”
That rule had been added when I had said the same thing over and over one time. I thought it was a very important point, but some people are sensitive, I guess.
“Then you will get to talk. At the end, the jury may ask each of you questions,” she said, pointing at the parents to indicate who the jury was.
“At any time, you two can decide that you want to settle out of court. My ruling will be final. Do you agree to have Judge Mom hear your case?” Mom asked us.
We both said yes.
“Please begin, David.”
I got up to tell my tale of woe. I put on my best hound-dog look that got a chuckle out of the girls in the back of the room. I might have overdone it a bit.
“I come before this most magnificent court to plead the injustices forced upon my person,” I said.
Flattering the court had won me a number of cases. Bribes also worked on occasion. You had to be careful if you tried that; sometimes it would backfire on you.
“My dear future sister-in-law, whom I love and trust, offered to pack my bags for my weekend trip. Being the innocent boy that I am, I trusted her completely.” I paused for dramatic effect. I pointed to Angie. “The accused packed inappropriate underwear.”
I gave a big sigh. I opened my bag to make the big reveal. It might have gone better if the variety pack of condoms hadn’t fallen out and rolled on the floor. All eyes were glued to the pack and not the three thongs I had in my hand. The look of amusement on everyone’s face told me I was a goner.
I turned to Angie.
“Do you wish to settle out of court?” I begged.
“Oh no, I think I need to have my name cleared.”
“David, please hand the jury Exhibit A,” Mom said, pointing to the condom box.
I thought about arguing, but I knew that Angie would just present it when her time came. I handed the box to Mrs. A. To my horror, she opened it and started to sort through them. She held up the ribbed packet.
“What kind is this, David?”
“Those are ribbed, for her pleasure.”
She handed it to Mr. Anderson and winked at him. Beth about died, and the room erupted in laughter. He pocketed the condom with a nod of thanks to me.
“Let’s get back to the heart of my case,” I said as I held up the thongs. “This is what was packed for me.”
Someone in the back, I think it was Cindy, shouted out, “Make him try them on.”
My face went red. There was no way that was happening. I decided to cut my losses and rested my case. Angie got up to present her defense.
“As a loving sister, I offered to help poor David by packing his bag. Tami called me and told me that David was going to Wesleyan for a sexy weekend. She commented on how cute his butt was and that the women would appreciate it if it were shown in its best light.
“In an effort to help him, I also bought him naughty condoms. I would suggest that if you counted them that there might be some missing from the box. I contend that the underwear helped him and didn’t harm him in any way.”
“They ride up your butt,” I complained.
Dad was counting the condoms. Mom put a stop to that line of questioning.
“As a parent, I do not want to know if my virginal son lost any condoms over the weekend.”
There were some snorts from the peanut gallery. Dad smiled at her and put the box down.
“Does the jury have any questions?” Mom asked.
They all seemed to have a grasp of the case. Dad took them to the office to deliberate.
“Angie, we can still settle this out of court. Just admit that you’re evil and I can make this go away,” I offered her.
I think she thought she had the better case.